Hey guys, this is a longer post. I decided to be a little bit more exhaustive just so there was no ambiguity with the story.
I'm on the OCD // Anxiety spectrum, and situations that seem super small will often send me into a powerful anxiety trip. For this situation, I'm trying to gauge what I should do, and how I should do it. Thanks!
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A handful of years ago, when I was 24 or 25, I moved back in with my mom and discovered that she had drama with neighbors ( we live in condos). They had a toddler whose play would create bumping noises that disturbed my mom. Eventually, after asking if they could keep it down, my mom banged on the wall out of frustration at the noise level.
A little while later, my mom ran into them outside, and they had a shouting match. I guess the wife said some things, my mom called her a low class bitch, and then the husband told her to move into the retirement center down the street.
I’ve grown up with no father figure, and my mom tended to be confrontational. This periodically thrust me into positions where I felt like I had to be a backbone/support in the household. So when she told me about this incident, I decided to approach them and use my strong ability with words to play mediator. At that time, I actually *hadn’t* known about my mom banging on their wall or calling her a low class bitch, so I figured that a desire for peace with neighbors would prevail.
I immediately knocked on their door and tried the “I think there’s been a mistake…” line. I figured if I could explain how easily noise travelled between units, that we would be able to get some sort of resolution. Anyways, being unaware of the full context, I was completely taken off guard when the husband called my mom an old lady, said there was no misunderstanding, and that he didn’t want to hear anything about the manner in which they conducted their family activities. I was so caught off guard, hurt, and intimidated. This ended up creating a level of fear and hatred, because I felt like I needed to stand up for her honor, but also felt genuinely intimidated. I am a big guy, but this guy was almost my height and far bigger than me. I later learned that he was an insecure fatty who tried to assert himself to feel important, but certainly not a tough guy himself.
At the time, I had internalized church doctrine about forgiveness and grace. I had also misinterpreted this to mean that confrontation was generally bad. So out of piety and fear, I decided to let it sit. If it had happened in more recent times, I would have revisited the issue and found some way of putting him in his place; even if it was just by making him feel ashamed by exhorting him.
The next day, I happened to come across him, and he nodded his head at me. I figured after everything had settled down, he and his wife probably respected me, and probably felt pretty guilty about their conduct when I was being so peaceful. I’m sure that he probably saw and remembered the level of hurt I had when he evoked my mom with the old lady line.
A little while later, we were sort of united based on an additional, newer neighbor who turned out to be a professional criminal. I actually took on the more aggressor role. But the rise of crime in our little area and how it evoked our personal safety brought my mom and I a little closer together with the other neighbors. However, I learned through this experience that while he was interested in gossiping about the situation, he didn’t want to risk his neck in the same way I was to stop this other dude.
Anyways, with a few years passing, we were on good terms with the neighbors. Yet… I couldn’t get past the bitterness as to what he had said about my mom. I ran into a saying that a hero dies once, but a coward dies a thousand deaths. And what I realized was that I hadn’t been able to let his comments go, and I hadn’t been able to forgive myself for being intimidated. A relevant add on is that I tend to have an insane long-term memory when it comes to faces and conversations. I’m also on the OCD/ Anxiety spectrum, and have a tendency to sort of…stress.
To this day, I’ve found myself still feeling bitter, and feeling like he needs to be confronted because he stole something from me and dishonored my mom. The skeptical/safe side to me observes that it’s literally been six years, and we’ve been on good terms, and that confrontation if gone wrong could just exacerbate my bitterness toward him, or if I ended up making some sort of threat or suggesting it go to the physical level, legal trouble for me. I can’t tell if I’m just being honest with myself, or exhibiting some type of moral scrupulosity, but it’s been disturbing me so much that I figure something has to give: either I find some sort of aggressive therapeutic technique to try and let it all go, or I pursue some sort of aggressive/ confrontational technique to gauge where he’s at and see if he even feels bad about it. I don’t know if I’m just crazy or correct, but as weird as it may sound, these decisions cause a significant amount of stress in my life.
Thanks in advance for your time!