My anger has my kids terrified of me!!!

need more info. Would people say you're "flexible"? Can you change your opinions easily?

Hi drap_man,

I suffer from an intense form of anger, that when I lose it I have to lash out on something.... doors, walls etc.... The feeling in my stomach after such an event is so degrading and horrible... But I don’t have kids, so I can only imagine what your going through....

But you have come to the right place my friend, there are lots of people here with a similar problem...

My anger has always been inside me from young age, this was because of the abuse shelled out to me from family, foster careers, house keepers.. My anger stared out as a defense mechanism to the pain and suffering.... Over time I have come to deal with these hardships, and yes, deal with the triggers of my anger.... But its not a complete solution....

Was u angry as a younger man ? How did your anger start ?

I have found a good thing to do is to talk to those who have seen my angry spitting face, and explain why i get so angry...

Anyway my friend, you take it easy... Tomorrow is another day

Spence.

Hey Drab,

It sounds to me like there might be some stressors in your life that are reducing your frustration tolerance level. I'm really glad that you are able to recognize this yourself and take the necessary steps to help yourself overcome your anger. Going to see your GP is a great step. Here are some of my thoughts:

Anger is energy....very powerful energy. I once saw a pissed off weightlifter roll a car upside down at the guy he was angry at. In order for an angry person to come back down to normal levels, that energy needs to be vented somewhere. Unfortunately, a lot of people channel this energy out at loved ones. Destroying property in front of loved ones is almost the same thing as attacking them directly--the emotional damage to them is just as great. Getting rid of this energy in a safe manner is the key here. Pushing the body to physical exhaustion will get rid of that stored up anger. Aerobic activities such as running, swimming, or boxing do tremendous wonders on releasing that built up tension. If you are prone to becoming angry, then pick up a rigourous exercise routine designed to physically exhaust you to the point where anger no longer exists because you are too tired to lash out.

The other necessary thing is preventative maintenence. This is done by talking about those stressors in your life with someone who will listen. By talking about them, you actively identify what it is that's bugging you in your life and you defuse any anger that is building up.

Best of luck

Ok.....here goes!

Background....I'm currently unemployed, which doesn't help my situation. When i'm working i can focus my attentions on the job at hand. Being unemployed is a bore, and boredom leads to impatience...etc...

I am flexible in my views, but only when i'm ready to be. It can take me hours to see the plus side to a cup of coffee in the morning. It all depends on my mood at the time.

I hate feeling like this i really do. Quite literaly ten minutes ago i was drilling holes for an Iron holder! Simple enough i hear you say!! Well it would be, the job itself didn't bother me, what did bother me was the fact that the raw plugs, or wall plugs, are never of good quality and they split in to and the holder come crashing of the wall. Instead of screaming and shouting and kicking seven shades of sh** out of the damn iron holder, i came up stairs to my pc, rolled myself a cigarette, and here i am now, calming down!!

What you have to understand about me and my anger is that i scare the sh** out of everyone. My kids cower when i shout, my wife will often back herself into a corner in a vain attempt to get away from me. I'm just not a nice person when i'm like that!! What doesn't help is my physical attributes. I stand at 6' 8" And am built like Jonah lomu (For rugby fans) or The Fridge (for american football fans). Just using them to give you some idea of my proportions. My wife is only 5' 5" and of a slim build, and my kids are all under 10. So you can understand what i am worried about.

I hate that my family live in fear of me, i hate than my wife walks on eggshells, or just stays out of my way as much as possible. I've really tried today to not let anything get to me and i have been good,it's been an average day. I haven't broken anything, or even hit anything for that matter, although i have wanted to so much today. I have only shouted once, and that was because my youngest Daughter (4) was tormenting the family dog.

I was not able to call my GP today like i said i was going to, But only because it is a Bank holiday in the UK and the Doctors surgery is closed. So first thing tomorrow i'll be making that appointment, because something has to be done about this. Even if it involves having me put down, lol. Can't keep living like this, and my family deserve alot better from me.

Please, any advice anyone has to offer i will be glad of. and it will most sincerely be appreciated.

Thank you for reading this
Drab

that makes a lot of sense. Ok let's use the Dilt's model of belief systems and behavior. I'll simplify it to ABC's. Who I think
I Am allows me to adopt my
Beliefs, which defines my
Capabilities, which guides the things I can and can't
Do, so far as my
Environment supports me.

For instance,using the format as above:
if I thought I could be a great snowboarder (identity),
I could believe I can learn to snowboard
which would allow me to expand my capabilities
so I could practice snowboarding (behavior).
Unless I lived in the desert lol (environment).

Get it? Well, it gets more complicated than that. Identity: If I thought of myself as "I am an artist!" it would allow me to pursue an artistic lifestyle. Whether I was any good is debatabe. Regardless, if I felt that was my identity- I would likely be compelled to do artist-like things and shun things that are the opposite of being "an artist."

Beliefs are a direct pipeline to the bodies nervous system. Like adrenalin for a flight or fight response. When a belief is touched upon the person is given the "appropriate" behavior and feelings automatically. Phobias are great examples. If I had a phobia of spiders and saw one I would get a jolt of adrenalin and feel fearful. I wouldn't have to practice at it, it would come to me automatically- every time.

Changing automatic behavior quickly and easily often requires changing a person's beliefs or even identity first. You can do it through repetitively denying behavior, but that's working from the bottom up. It's easier working from the top down. So,

What must you believe about the things that you get angry about?
What kind of person gets angry like that?

Hi Drab_man,

I don't know if you saw our posting above, but I work for a British documentary company. We are making a science series about the link between nutrition and temper for Channel Five. The plan is to meet people who would like help with their anger and through anger management classes and examining the food they eat, we will be able help people to control their temper. Nutrition forms a big part of anger management, and we have already got two top experts on board and are looking for people who think they would benefit from being involved in the series.
We are looking for people in the UK, and I assumed from reading your message that you are..If you are interested in the project or would like some more information please e-mail me. My name's Amy Walker and my e-mail address is [email protected]

Thanks very much.

I'm not sure anymore what gets me angry. Some mornings i wake up angry and thats generally how my mood stays for the day. I can't explain it, I was talking to my wife about this yesterday and she seems to think it goes back to my Dad and my Mum breaking up when i was 13.

Although it would be so easy for me to say, Yes! Thats the reason i'm so angry!! But i'm not going to get of this the easy way, and blame someone else for my problem. I honestly don't know why i'm angry, half the time i don't even know i'm angry, or that i'm shouting. It just sneaks up on me.

My wife is tired of me, and i know she is on the verge of asking me to leave, and either return when i have this sorted, or don't return at all.
I need help with this or i stand to lose everything i hold dear to me. Even thought i don't show my feelings they are there, and people must see me as invincible. But i'm not, i will bleed if cut, just like everyone else.

What do i do here guys and girls....Now your advice is more important than ever. Some general anger identification tips would help, By letting me see the anger building then maybe i can pre-empt it. And stop it before it starts.

We argued today, my wife and I. about all this, and i was so angry i had to come up stairs, i had to find a solid wall or i was gonna pop! I punched it so hard my hand is now killing me. But i know i can't tell her that cos it would just make her angry that i couldn't even control myself enough not to take it out on the wall. The argument, incidentally was all in her favour, lol. I am in the wrong, but my pig headedness wont let me see it at the time, only after the damage is done. Maybe a broken hand, left to pain me for awhile will remind me of my mistakes and stop me making them!

I'm scarred that one day soon it will be to late to say sorry, that i will have blown it big time, and lost my family.

Please help a dying man

Drab

ohhhh! What would happen if you were "wrong"? What would it mean? Is it ok for you to be wrong? what does being "right" mean to you? Does "being right" have any significance to you?

satanstoystore wrote:ohhhh! What would happen if you were "wrong"? What would it mean? Is it ok for you to be wrong? what does being "right" mean to you? Does "being right" have any significance to you?

I don't understand what your trying to say here. Can you explain please!

Thanx man

Drab

*grin* everyone does that to me. I'm being literal. I'm not trying to be philosophical or rhetorical or anything. Let's just do one.

Is being "right" important to you? or could you care less?

Hey Drab,

So it sounds to me like your life is at something of a low point right now. I know because I've been there myself and it sucks. You asked how you can identify the things that make you angry so you can better control those things....Great question....One that is not easy to answer though. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it would seem like your tolerance for frustration is low right now because of all the stressful events that are happening in your life i.e. unemployment, boredom, kids, wife etc.... When our tolerance for frustration is low, then really anything could trigger an outburst of anger. So that is why it is difficult to answer your question because any small thing could result in anger when your frustration tolerance is low. I once kicked down the front door of my own house because the key would not work right that day.....How dare it!!! Well, the lock and key were the same as always....there was a trick in opening it, but I was so pissed off that day that I wasn't paying attention on how to open it, except with brute force. Imagine how embarrassed and ashamed I felt when my girlfriend came back home, took a look at the door and asked, "Hmmm....Did the door pick a fight with you today dear?"

Anger has the habit of making a bad situation worse and like a drug, we don't realize the full extent of the damage till after it is done. Therefore we are in need of some drastic solutions before things get worse. The key is not to identify the little things that trigger your anger because that could be just about anything, but rather to identify the underlying stressors that are causing you to be more irritable. Just by reading your posts, we can rightfully say that unemployment is a major stressor. Can you add to the list? Is there any alcohol involved because that will only increase angry outbursts....We tend to think that alcohol cures stress by relaxing the mind, but in reality, the stress and the anger are still there--its just the loss of inhibition and senses that creates the illusion of it disappearing. And actually, the loss of inhibition makes anger seem even more powerful and frightening to those around you because alcohol removes all the safeguards that would normally be in place to prevent such behaviour.

Once you have come up with a list of underlying stressors that you believe is the cause for your current tension, then the next step is to prioritize those stressors by the amount of stress that it causes your life. After those stressors are prioritizes, then it becomes a matter of working in small steps and taking out the smallest contributing stressor first. It's like being in debt--if you try to pay small amounts to each of your credit cards, then you will spread yourself too thin and never get out of debt, however, if you attack the smallest of your outstanding debts with full force and eliminate it, then you can move on to the next one and generate momentum with each one you eliminate. The key to eliminating that stressor is to write up a tactical plan for eliminating it--just as someone would write up a business plan for success. You need to analyze the best ways to tackle the issue, which might mean seeing a GP, avoiding certain things, places, or people, or putting full force into getting a new career...I can only speculate on what your plan might be...only you know what needs to be done to tackle your personal issues.

Another useful tool is to write up an anger contract for yourself. Sign it and put it up on the wall for everyone to see. Send it to other people so that it becomes known. By doing this, you are more compelled to follow your own rules when it is in print and when other people can hold you accountable for that.

Lastly, always remember that we might not be able to control some external events in our lives. We can't control fate...or at least I haven't found a way to do this yet What we can control is ourselves and our ability to either dig ourselves out of a bad position or make it even worse. It sounds to me like you have a lot of things going for you. You have a darling wife and kids. I know plenty of people who would look up to you just for having that. Its important not to mix the people we care about in with the problems that we are facing in our lives. Separate the problems from the people that we love. Direct all your anger towards the defeating the problem like it was your worst enemy, while at the same time, be gentle with the people who are really important to you because in the end, they are the ones who really matter.

Hope this helps!!

TalkToMe wrote:Hey Drab,

So it sounds to me like your life is at something of a low point right now. I know because I've been there myself and it sucks. You asked how you can identify the things that make you angry so you can better control those things....Great question....One that is not easy to answer though. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it would seem like your tolerance for frustration is low right now because of all the stressful events that are happening in your life i.e. unemployment, boredom, kids, wife etc.... When our tolerance for frustration is low, then really anything could trigger an outburst of anger. So that is why it is difficult to answer your question because any small thing could result in anger when your frustration tolerance is low. I once kicked down the front door of my own house because the key would not work right that day.....How dare it!!! Well, the lock and key were the same as always....there was a trick in opening it, but I was so pissed off that day that I wasn't paying attention on how to open it, except with brute force. Imagine how embarrassed and ashamed I felt when my girlfriend came back home, took a look at the door and asked, "Hmmm....Did the door pick a fight with you today dear?"

Anger has the habit of making a bad situation worse and like a drug, we don't realize the full extent of the damage till after it is done. Therefore we are in need of some drastic solutions before things get worse. The key is not to identify the little things that trigger your anger because that could be just about anything, but rather to identify the underlying stressors that are causing you to be more irritable. Just by reading your posts, we can rightfully say that unemployment is a major stressor. Can you add to the list? Is there any alcohol involved because that will only increase angry outbursts....We tend to think that alcohol cures stress by relaxing the mind, but in reality, the stress and the anger are still there--its just the loss of inhibition and senses that creates the illusion of it disappearing. And actually, the loss of inhibition makes anger seem even more powerful and frightening to those around you because alcohol removes all the safeguards that would normally be in place to prevent such behaviour.

Once you have come up with a list of underlying stressors that you believe is the cause for your current tension, then the next step is to prioritize those stressors by the amount of stress that it causes your life. After those stressors are prioritizes, then it becomes a matter of working in small steps and taking out the smallest contributing stressor first. It's like being in debt--if you try to pay small amounts to each of your credit cards, then you will spread yourself too thin and never get out of debt, however, if you attack the smallest of your outstanding debts with full force and eliminate it, then you can move on to the next one and generate momentum with each one you eliminate. The key to eliminating that stressor is to write up a tactical plan for eliminating it--just as someone would write up a business plan for success. You need to analyze the best ways to tackle the issue, which might mean seeing a GP, avoiding certain things, places, or people, or putting full force into getting a new career...I can only speculate on what your plan might be...only you know what needs to be done to tackle your personal issues.

Another useful tool is to write up an anger contract for yourself. Sign it and put it up on the wall for everyone to see. Send it to other people so that it becomes known. By doing this, you are more compelled to follow your own rules when it is in print and when other people can hold you accountable for that.

Lastly, always remember that we might not be able to control some external events in our lives. We can't control fate...or at least I haven't found a way to do this yet What we can control is ourselves and our ability to either dig ourselves out of a bad position or make it even worse. It sounds to me like you have a lot of things going for you. You have a darling wife and kids. I know plenty of people who would look up to you just for having that. Its important not to mix the people we care about in with the problems that we are facing in our lives. Separate the problems from the people that we love. Direct all your anger towards the defeating the problem like it was your worst enemy, while at the same time, be gentle with the people who are really important to you because in the end, they are the ones who really matter.

Hope this helps!!

I can only imagine the time and effort you spent on this reply, and i thank you.

And in alot of respects your spot on, My unemployment leads to boredom and stress, and my boredom and stress lead to a shortend fuse, and it takes less and less to make me blow.

I like the sound of the anger contract, something of my own i can use to keep myself in line. And something others around me can hold me to.

I was asked if i was bothered about my views/opinions, and if i care about them. In a way yes, but only for myself. I care what i think, about most things. I don't like to be wrong about much, but i know when i have been beaten and will back down. As for other peoples views/ opinions, well it depends what the view is about. If they have an opinion about me, then no, i don't care about it either way. I know i can e different than this because i have been before, I beat anic depression 3 yrs ago. And have never looked back, Now it just appears i'm angry, lol. ut of the frying pan and into the fire.

I don't like what i have turned into this year through unemployment, and i have thought long and hard about this and i know thats the problem. I know as soon as i settle into a new job i will be fine again, and things will be great. The main stressors in my life will be dealt with, and my family will be able to breathe a sigh of relief....but!!

What about next time, if ther is one of course. Is this going to happen to me everytime i find myself in a posistion i don't like. There are always going to be if's and but's, i understand this. In my situation though i 'm not sure waiting to find out the answers are something i have the luxury to do. I need to find these answers now, otherwise the next time might be the last, and BANG! I've lost it all!!
I can't take the chance, and i wont become complacent about this once i'm feeling better, work or no work, i know this is a problem, and i know i need to find a solution. So my gp is seeing me on Monday and we will see what she says about it.

I want to thank everyone who has taken an interest....Pity on me and my situation. you have all helped more than words can express. Please don't give up on me just yet though, i'm still in need of the sound advice of you all.

Thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart!!

John

I think we get caught up in the moment.
Punch the door because my plan went wrong..a friend ripped me off and now I am getting stressed in the house due to whatever.
(That would explain a small hole in the bathroom door I made years ago!)

I have noticed that when I am caught up like that..I am not respecting the other person (in the house) at all..I am not respecting even the idea of another person.
This is a dangerous place..for then I am quick to judge and quick to anger.

You are a big guy..and you do not like your moments of stress and anger..I can really see that it has come to a crucial moment for you.
It is going to be a journey for you..there is no quick fix and you may even find the worst possible thing you mention, the real chance that you remove yourself for a while from the house, becomes a real necessity.
But that is a last resort and you should not see it as failure at all..but an option that leaves open a chance of recovery in your family life.
You have a lot on your plate.Your kids and the family you love and the day to day stress of not working.
It is all createing in you a bitterness and ability to complain about everything..we all know raw plugs are crap!! All raw plugs are crap!!!!
People really do recover from this but it takes time and soul searching.
Meditation and things should not be discounted..I practice Buddhism and have heard peoples experience in transforming these kinds of tendencies through it.
You could get therapy and learn new skills to put in place to deflect these crisis moments in a new and more creative way..you will find that this is holding you back in every single area of you life, and that as you fix this one problem area,everything else will change for the better.
Deal with one thing..your anger..and everything will flow from this.
But you will need to look for your path out..leave no stone unturned..it will always be you that makes the difference!
Rob

Hey drab,

I believe I have a similar problem as you. My kids are sometimes terrified by me when I shout and scream at them. I have a hot button. I get frustrated easily when dealing people whom I think are slow or not smart. Being a member of Mensa myself, I find it hard to accept the fact that my kids are not even as intelligent or quick as other average kids. I know it is totally wrong for me to expect my kids to be intelligent. And like you, I want to do my best to control my temper and make them happy. I've been working on improving myself for years. It is painful, it is really painful to change, but I've been making every effort. My hubby has been very encouraging.

Here are a few things I've done ( I've listed them based on the effectiveness, to me):

1. I have a calendar in my bedroom, my kids give me a smiley sticker everyday if I did not shout or scream at them. And every month I aim to get more smileys.
2. I agree with Rob ( see quote below). I practice Buddhism and meditate sometimes. It effectively helps you relax. Once you are relaxed, you are not likely to get angry. Just imagine, can you be relaxed and angry at the same time?
3. Practice Buddhism also helps me generate loving thoughts, and have other perspective eg, nothingness. But if you are not a Buddhist, you may want to follow your own religion, if you have any. I believe any good religion will teach you love and help reinforce your love to others. With loving thoughts, it will be more difficult to get angry.
4. Reminders: Be liberal in using all kinds of reminders, the calendar I mentioned is one of them, others can be quotes, signs, anything prominent enough for you to notice when you are angry. And change them after a while, otherwise you are so used to them you become numb.
5. Get help from your family. Ask your wife and kids to help you. Every time you lose your temper, aplogise sincerely, and talk about it with them. Maybe they can give more ideas on how you can improve.

I fully understand what you are experiencing. I fully understand how difficult it has been to you to try to change. Certain things are programmed in your genes, they are hard to overcome. Yet because we are human beings, we are capable of learning and overcoming difficulties that sometimes seem impossible, with strong will power.

I am a person who always wants to give my best in doing everything I want to do. And I am determined that I want to give my family the best I can give. I believe you want to do the same. I believe you can do it, if you are determined enough. All the best to you.

Witch

Rob wrote:I think we get caught up in the moment.
Punch the door because my plan went wrong..a friend ripped me off and now I am getting stressed in the house due to whatever.
(That would explain a small hole in the bathroom door I made years ago!)

I have noticed that when I am caught up like that..I am not respecting the other person (in the house) at all..I am not respecting even the idea of another person.
This is a dangerous place..for then I am quick to judge and quick to anger.

You are a big guy..and you do not like your moments of stress and anger..I can really see that it has come to a crucial moment for you.
It is going to be a journey for you..there is no quick fix and you may even find the worst possible thing you mention, the real chance that you remove yourself for a while from the house, becomes a real necessity.
But that is a last resort and you should not see it as failure at all..but an option that leaves open a chance of recovery in your family life.
You have a lot on your plate.Your kids and the family you love and the day to day stress of not working.
It is all createing in you a bitterness and ability to complain about everything..we all know raw plugs are crap!! All raw plugs are crap!!!!
People really do recover from this but it takes time and soul searching.
Meditation and things should not be discounted..I practice Buddhism and have heard peoples experience in transforming these kinds of tendencies through it.
You could get therapy and learn new skills to put in place to deflect these crisis moments in a new and more creative way..you will find that this is holding you back in every single area of you life, and that as you fix this one problem area,everything else will change for the better.
Deal with one thing..your anger..and everything will flow from this.
But you will need to look for your path out..leave no stone unturned..it will always be you that makes the difference!
Rob