Depression and Relationship Problems

I want to apologize because I already know this is going to be a long one. Also, I am on a phone, so I apologize for any typos, too.

To explain what's up, I need to go back a few months. I'm a 17 year old guy, and I'm gay. I came out to my best friend as bi a few months ago because I was worried he wouldn't accept me (he comes from a Catholic family). I begged him not to tell anybody. He was totally fine with it, but I wasn't. Later that week I started feeling incredibly depressed. I hated being gay, hated all the homophobia and challenges that I knew I was going to have to live through, and I hated myself. I started feeling suicidal, and the only person I could reach out to for help was the same friend I came out to. Thankfully, he talked to me by text for a while and I started feeling a bit better. I begged him not to tell anyone about it, because I was worried that my parents would eventually find out that I was gay when I wasn't ready to tell them if he did.

Fast forward a few more weeks, and things started going downhill again. I had just been told by a medical professional that he couldn't fix the sports injury I'd been trying to take care of for a while. This got me really upset, because I had been talking to some of my dream colleges and feared that my chances of going were shattered because I wouldn't be able to finish the season. Being convinced that my future education and athletics were gone, I was devastated. I fell into depression again, which reminded me of how much I already hated myself for being gay, which made the depression worse. I started thinking about suicide again, and was visibly struggling with these issues at practice. But this time I didn't get any support from my best friend; he never asked if I was ok or even talked to me. I didn't understand why, and I got extremely upset with him and stopped communicating with him.

Moving forward three more months, I still hadn't talked to my friend and he still hadn't talked to me. The whole time, I'd been struggling on and off with my problems, but either nobody noticed or nobody said anything to me about it. I was beaten to the ground by this point - I didn't really have any other good friends, and the only good one I'd had had just been torn out of my life. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, so I tried to bury the hatchet, work up my courage, and talk to him. I was still absolutely furious with him for abandoning me when I needed him the most, and it was really hard for me to do.

The conversations didn't go well. I expressed how upset it had made me that he wasn't there to support me and tried to explain why I was so angry at him. His response was that he had tried his best, but that I just blind to his help. He said I always just dump my problems on him and expect him to fix everything. That wasn't how I felt, though. All I had wanted was for him to ask if I was ok, just anything to show that he cared about me. I didn't understand how he had "tried his best", because he never even talked to me.

Moving forward to yesterday (after a few more days of arguments), he eventually tells me that when I first told him I was contemplating suicide, he went and told his dad. His dad suggested he go and talk to our coach (we are on the same sports team) because he's more experienced with this kind of thing. So, I found out that he had done the ONE thing I had pleaded him NOT to do: tell other people. He told me that he and our coach were meeting regulary to talk about how I was doing. I finally understood what he had meant about doing "all he could". But I feel so betrayed and angry and upset and terrified. Now my coach knows I'm gay (actually bi, because I never told my friend I was actually gay) and I feel absolutely awful about it. I'm so incredibly angry at my friend now, and I think it's safe to say that he's the only person I've ever truly hated with all my being. I told him I need to talk to him in person about this, because texting like we've been doing all week wasn't sufficient. I'm going to meet with him tomorrow in a private, isolated park so we can talk. I have no idea what I'm going to say. Yes, he does care about me because he tried to seek help from adults. But at the same time, that was the LAST thing I wanted him to do. I wasn't ready to tell other people I was gay, but he took that option away from me and told people anyway. His reasoning was that "people are going to find out in the end anyway, why does it matter who knows now". But that's the most private part of my life and deep, personal thing that I'm not at all comfortable sharing, and he disrespected me by sharing it. I'm so unvelievably angry at him right now. I faked being sick because I was going to have a breakdown at practice today and I just needed to get away.

Am I justified in feeling how I do? What can I even say to him? I don't want to lose him as a friend because I know how good he's been to me the last few years, but at the same time I've never, ever, EVER been this upset because of something someone's done, and I don't know how I'd ever get over this. I feel ashamed of myself being at practice in front of my coach now, and I hate myself more than ever. I don't know who else my coach has told, he might have even told my parents by now and I feel so exposed and vulnerable and I hate it. And in the end, my friend told my deepest secret to multiple people, and they didn't even talk to me or do anything. So now I feel like he just ruined part of my life for no reason at all - the adults were no help. I don't know what to do and I need help.