Needing therapy for one's therapy?

I often joke with my psychologist that I feel like I need therapy for my therapy... I suspect she thinks I'm joking.

I should probably say straight up that I have DID. And from my experience of this would agree most with things written about it (Paul F Dell for example) from the view of it being an attachment disorder.

Needless to say attachment causes plenty of problems in my therapy. I would say I am probably more attached to her than I would like, but she says attachment is necessary for trust and that I will gain "independence" as most children who experience "good enough parenting" would as they grow up.

I have young children who don't have a lot of understanding of words who are very attached to her. And others who really don't seem to understand any words at all who are terrified of her. So each week (I see her once a week) I go through this cycle which at least makes more sense as I come to understand myself better. At first the idea of the week is excruciating to the attachment based ones and their pain intrudes and can be quite overwhelming. As the week goes by though the fear based ones increase in strength. By the last couple of days of the week the attachment based ones start to relax while the fear based ones become very strong. I have no thought connection to them whatsoever. It is as if they are completely unaware of my current reality, of our life in 2011. Their fear comes out in my body - nausea, upset stomach, etc. And so as one lot of children relax, another lot (or one, I don't even know) experiences terror. And I can't reach them.

I am not here to defend my diagnosis, but to avoid any discussion of it if the above sounds weird I will say that as an older child and teenager I became very aware of my ability to "change people". I particularly thought it was a "clever skill" because it saved me from having people know what was going on. My final year of school I was going through a court case and nobody at school ever knew because the person who chatted to friends at school was not the same person as the person going through that. Similarly I was very aware of this "changing people" in an abusive situation where I would walk from a room with the abuser to another and "change" on the way to be the person they all knew. A "clever skill" perhaps, but also one which now (that I'm in my 30's) wreaks havoc in my life.

I really struggle with many aspects of therapy. The cycle I go through each week outside of it is hell to be honest. I am no longer likely to jump off a cliff thankfully (and sought therapy so that my children would get to grow up with a mother - I simply couldn't live anymore) and have made great progress in many areas of my life since starting therapy. My first abuser was my mother, and my therapist is a woman around my mother's age. Although when I first met her I was terrified I now think that this was probably what I needed most. Every week, unless I were to say no, she spends a couple of minutes sitting next to me, and the littlest of the children cry silently for a couple of minutes and sometimes older ones as well. Then the connection is restored, safety is restored and the session can continue.

But actually getting up the stairs to her office can be hell.

I guess there is more on safety I would like to ask, especially as many people here seem to be therapists themselves. But I am also a bit scared to be thought of as a maniac, so might stop here for now. If anyone can tell me whether I am actually supposed to allow this attachment (which feels so inappropriate to me) I would be grateful. It makes me feel crazy to be honest, to be so attached to a professional I see once a week. It frequently makes me want to quit, but I'm not sure the little kids could any more without significant distress and far worse issues waiting for the next therapist down the track... (surprisingly I made it to 34 years old without any therapy whatsoever, I've now been seeing this therapist for 20 months).

Anyway, thanks for any input on attachment and therapy