One girl is angry at me for no reason

Having yourself as your only friend certainly does not preclude you being social, getting out talking to other people once in a while.

Getting to talk once in a while might be too little to improve. My one of best friends says I should go talk to people and be in social situations as much as possible to get better.

Why do you need to get better? Better at what? What exactly do you think is wrong with you?

I need to get better so that I would not feel bad being between people, talking to people, and to be respected. I hate that I am getting stressed in social situations.

After all, when you don't like who you are, you think people are right to be angry with you for no reason.

Did I say that people are right to be angry for no reason? I think they do not have right be angry at me for this.

Give me a list of 10 people you admire, and tell me what you like about them. Guaranteed you have those qualities yourself.

It is hard to think of 10 suddenly. Or I admire them fully until I see their bad sides. For example:
there is one waiter where I go to eat often - she looks so cute, her body is perfect.

Another is my boss. She does not look like one who is a burden for a man. She is smart and probably earns good money. She is good looking also - good body and face. She talks super nicely to us. She even apologizes when I do not see her fault, for example when she did not answer for long time in the chat because she had a phone call. She is a boss, and we have to understand that she has the right to have phone calls, so why she should apologize. But her talk makes her so nice. She is 10/10 woman. But on the other hand - I do not know her very closely. Maybe she likes to sleep with other man which I would not like at all if she was my.

Another is Donald Trump - I do not like everything about him. But one thing I like is his success, how he makes such a good money. And also I like how he says what he thinks about something, like "We will destroy North Korea if that will be needed " or smth like that. He does not give a **** if somebody does not like what he says. That is interesting because - how he as being so know is not afraid to be killed for his such talks. There are lot of people who do not like him.

Or there is another local guy - who again made lot of money and bought lamborhini. I think I would have hard time in talking to him. But I like how he shows to other people that it is possible to make money instead of complaining how hard is to live. He makes big smile in his photos with his lamborghini and there are lot of people who do not like him. But he does not give a **** I know one guy who says - what a business man - he does not even know how to make a normal sentence on television. I think many people do not like him showing his lamborhini. PLus how he annoyis other people is - by driving 200+ km/hour where limit is 130 and making facebook live stream. And then saying - prove it that it was me and police proably cannot give a penalty.

Another is probably my father. He is often annoyign. But he made lot of money during his life, especially last 10 years when ecoonmy got much better. It is good to have a father who knows how to make money instead of some regular who just knows how to drink vodka. And he should be able to live much better live when he retires than regular people. PRobably he will stop working only when there will be no health, because he is hardworker. He deserves this money.

My sister - again she is annoying when I want to talk anything and not give a **** what I talk. But on the other hand - she is also a woman who is not a burden for man. She does not earn super big amount, but comparing to average woman in our country she earns above average probably. And has bigger plans instead of asking money from man.

Another man is George Soros. He again is not a slave to somebody else. I like this: "He is known as "The Man Who Broke the Bank of England" because of his short sale of US$10 billion worth of Pound sterling, making him a profit of $1 billion during the 1992 Black Wednesday UK currency crisis."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Soros

that is super cool to break the bank

another is Aaron Fifield - https://chatwithtraders.com/about-aaron-fifield/ I do not know much about him, but I like what he has done - he has done lot of interviews with over hundred of other trades who I admire.

So practically I can add to this list almost all those successful traders.

Hamming wrote:Getting to talk once in a while might be too little to improve. My one of best friends says I should go talk to people and be in social situations as much as possible to get better.

Taking baby steps, or going all out, . . . however it works for you sounds like a Good Plan.

Perhaps going for a walk with her and when she is in a good mood try to explain to her what you are doing during a game is only a game and it doesn't reflect anything bad from you towards her.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Attack her...

Don’t be a wuss, be a man and attack, attack, attack. You will gain her respect and she will think you are cool. Sure, she might be angry at first, but when you show strength and attack it proves you are cool.

No one thinks a wimp is cool.

Sometimes attacking her could have the wrong affect. Some girls might be impressed by your non wimpish approach and others might be totally turned off by it. I'd be careful on that.

Perhaps going for a walk with her and when she is in a good mood try to explain to her what you are doing during a game is only a game and it doesn't reflect anything bad from you towards her.

I do not feel good about it. Feels almost like I apologize her if I say this. Plus I probably would not be very honest and she would feel it. Because I like to attack her from something previous what she had annoyed me, which I do not remember already. But at least I remember how she treads her husband - it looks sometimes she treats him disrespectfully, not like a man. And that also make me want to attack her at least in the game.

How about forget her? Why pursue someone who doesn't like you? There are plenty of people out there who will.

Candid wrote:How about forget her? Why pursue someone who doesn't like you? There are plenty of people out there who will.

1. She is my friends wife, I have to get along with her.
2. Even if she would be random girl - its about improving social skills. Sometimes we cannot choose or the cost of choice is big. For example when I was in high school, I was in village and there were no other schools in the village, I was not driving car while kid to go to school far away and even if that would be possible, there is high chance that there would be hard to talk to people.
3. There are not so many people who like me in general.

There is also friends friend, lets call him A who regurarly insults me. I think I try to not be insulted when it is a joke, but it looks like he is not having intentions of joking but he does that to hurt me, I dont know. Or to feel smarter.

He is interesting man and high achiever in carrer so it is intereting to listen his stories or thoughs in general. Plus if I want to be not thrown from the friends circle I have to learn to deal with him.

But I do not understand at all. I could reply but he would be then angry.

I stop talking for some time after the insults and over time forget. I noticed that if I keep anger and keep thinking negatively, I feel bad. But the problem is - once I forget insutls and negative emotions, and it looks like talk is fun, I start joining the conversation. And again I am insulted. He means I am dumb when I tell some thing.

I have all the arguments to explain but then I know people do not like arguing so I am not knowing what to do and sitting with my thoughts and also its bad that it is harder to concentrate at work which causes lower productivity because of those thoughts.

Plus when I start talking again, he learns that this is normal to insult, nothing bad can happen. So he continues.

I do not know. I also do not understand how my friend, lets call him B is not angry at him and talks nicely and does not remove him from the circle. So he thinks that this is ok how he is talking. And I dont see A throwing insults at B. Maybe because I am dumb and B is not dumb so he does not insult him.

But other people say for me to increase confidence - when somebody says I am dumb - do not accept it as truth. But it looks like A wants to convince me I am dumb which is the opposite. Does he want to have unconfident friend? I guess no. He would like to have cool friends in the circle I guess. Otherwise he himself is dumb.

Damn I hate of not knowing what to do and getting these situations over and over. Btw I registered to group psychotherapy, so maybe will find ways to discuss this with the professional psychologist and I am intereting what he will say about this.

When I see that A guy badmouthing other people, like his colleagues for no good reason, does not look like a joke, I feel like he would bad mouth me same way if I would tell same thing as his colleague, and feeling like also insulted even when I did not yet get the insult, just hearing badmouthing other people and feeling like want to argue but again since learned not to argue, I sit with my thoughts.

Hamming wrote:1. She is my friends wife, I have to get along with her.

No. You don't. You can be polite without getting into a conversation with her.

Even if she would be random girl - its about improving social skills. Sometimes we cannot choose or the cost of choice is big.

You have to ger along with workmates, but you don't have to like them or get into conversation over and above communication about work. Nor do you have to hang around people you don't like. But I don't think that's the problem. You do like these people. You feel hurt when they show they don't like you.

There are not so many people who like me in general.

That's because you think you have to get on with everyone. You 'court' the people who don't like you just as you are. Stick with the people who do like you. Have a bit of dignity around anyone who doesn't.

There is also friends friend, lets call him A who regurarly insults me.

Don't give him the opportunity. Stay away from him. If he's in a group where you are, don't answer him; talk to other people.

He is interesting man and high achiever in carrer so it is intereting to listen his stories or thoughs in general.

Okay. So listen to his stories and his thoughts in general, but don't back him up or argue with him. Just listen, and stay aloof.

I noticed that if I keep anger and keep thinking negatively, I feel bad.

This is a good insight.

once I forget insutls and negative emotions, and it looks like talk is fun, I start joining the conversation. And again I am insulted. He means I am dumb when I tell some thing.

So you need to keep quiet around him. Have a bit of mystery about you. Don't speak unless someone looks you in the eye and asks for your opinion.

Know what? Sometimes people talk over me. I could feel upset about that -- but why? I know what I'm going to say. They don't. If people aren't interested, I keep it to myself.

Plus when I start talking again, he learns that this is normal to insult, nothing bad can happen. So he continues.

Maybe he's trying to get a rise out of you. If you were quick-witted and had a smart reply, it would be worth speaking out. Otherwise, you have to keep schtum.

Maybe because I am dumb and B is not dumb so he does not insult him.

I think this is a distinct possibility. A and B are equals. B doesn't go into every interaction worried about being insulted. You do.

But other people say for me to increase confidence

Yes, this would be a good thing. If you didn't feel bad about yourself and how you are around other people, you wouldn't feel insulted. You'd be relaxed enough to air your opinions naturally.

I registered to group psychotherapy, so maybe will find ways to discuss this with the professional psychologist and I am intereting what he will say about this.

It will also be interesting to find out how you get on in a safe group setting, whether people in general dismiss you or treat you with respect. It will be good to tell the group the kinds of things you write about here.

Getting on with other people really isn't that hard.

You have to ger along with workmates, but you don't have to like them or get into conversation over and above communication about work. Nor do you have to hang around people you don't like. But I don't think that's the problem. You do like these people. You feel hurt when they show they don't like you.

With workmates, isnt it related - if I get along - then I like them? more or less. I understand I dont need to be real friends with tem, but as long as I am treated not like trash, it is ok.
And if I dont like workmates, I can change job. But that way I have less jobs to choose from. And why should I not like if most people like them? Maybe its my issue?

I like some parts of those people. But not every people have to like me. But there are at least in my country even possible to sue for insulting speech, even on the internet if you write a bad comment you can be sued. So that means every people theorecitaly should have the right to be treated respectfully.

When I accidentally insult people in real life by not being a good speaker or making a bad joke, then I am worrying.

That's because you think you have to get on with everyone. You 'court' the people who don't like you just as you are. Stick with the people who do like you. Have a bit of dignity around anyone who doesn't.

I think I dont think I have to get on with everyone. I want to get on with succesful people I guess. It feels good if you are in the circle of cool people and cool people respect you.

I did not understand "Have a bit of dignity around anyone who doesn't." and google translate does not translate well this one. Can you rephrase?

Don't give him the opportunity. Stay away from him. If he's in a group where you are, don't answer him; talk to other people.

So you need to keep quiet around him. Have a bit of mystery about you. Don't speak unless someone looks you in the eye and asks for your opinion.

This kind of works, but feels weak, feels like you are not having enough right for your opinion, for speech. It looks like cool people say what they want to say. LIke this guy who insults me - he says what he wants to say. He looks strong. I look weak. Same lets say Trump - he does not always tell good things, but he looks strong by letting himself say what he thinks. No matter others like it or not.

Plus if looks int my eye and asks for opinion - agan there can be reason to insult after I tell.

Btw today I tried to not talk much but it feels weird.

And also one more thing - if all people in the group leave us alone, and say we will come back in like 5-30 minutes. You have to talk something I guess. It is otherwise awkward silence.

Maybe he's trying to get a rise out of you. If you were quick-witted and had a smart reply, it would be worth speaking out. Otherwise, you have to keep schtum.

What is smart reply? I think I always have them but since I cannot argue, nobody hears. And they think it is not smart if they hear.

I think this is a distinct possibility. A and B are equals. B doesn't go into every interaction worried about being insulted. You do.

You mean I am insulted because I worry about being insulted?

Yes, this would be a good thing. If you didn't feel bad about yourself and how you are around other people, you wouldn't feel insulted. You'd be relaxed enough to air your opinions naturally.

Are you sure? I think other people who feel bad about themselves, are insulted also quickly. For example there is a movie Ford v Ferarri. In it Ferrari boss told big insult to Ford boss. Ford boss feels good about himself, he is a boss of huge company. But he felt insulted I think.

Or another example. THere was my teacher and when I was kid, I did not know about respect much and told kind of "joke" at him and whole class was laughing. He felt disrespected and called my parents and my parents told to apologise him . He was a respected teacher in school.

It will also be interesting to find out how you get on in a safe group setting, whether people in general dismiss you or treat you with respect. It will be good to tell the group the kinds of things you write about here.

Yea, this should be interestig. I wish I get into conflct situations in the group to so that coach could tell me how to deal with them. But somehow I doubt that in the group there wil be people insulting me like this guy. Unless coach would ask them really tell what would they tell in real life in some situation.

This morning I decided to google "how to deal with assholes". And found this:

https://lifehacker.com/how-to-deal-with ... 1822977174

Sutton suggests taking one of five strategies:

[*] Don’t take it personally.
[*] Decide that you’re going to find the a**hole hilarious. (It’s best to keep your amusement to yourself—which is also part of the fun.)
[*] Create physical or emotional distance between yourself and the a**hole. If you’re sharing a conference room with an a**hole, sit as far away from them as possible. If one of your relatives is an a**hole on social media, mute or unfollow them so you no longer see (or emotionally respond to) their posts.
[*] Tell yourself you’re conducting a psychological study of assholery. Keep a tally of how many times your coworker interrupts someone, or how often your friend’s new significant other dominates the conversation.
[*] Be nice to the a**hole—as pleasant and unruffled as possible. Don’t react to or otherwise encourage their behavior.

First point I have hard time. Because I know he feels pleasure of hurting me. I dont take it personaly probably when I can reply back with an insult or argument, for example when I am anonimous on the internet and I can speak without consequences. I dont take it pesonally if its intention for a joke also.

2nd - if I again need to make funny reply but if I make fun he will get angry again, which is not useful for me if I want to keep diplomatic relationship and get some benefit of him.

3rd - this is same as you say - avoid. And in my situation kind of easiest one. But I hate that others are not joining me. I would feel so much pleasure if he loses all the friends because of this. That would be achievement. But since others respect him, then I am thinking maybe its my problem and maybe is he not an a**hole.

4th - not sure what to study there.

5th - I am nice I think.

So more about avoiding. I could stop going to meets with my friends. Just the thing is I loose such high achieved friends and they dont loose much, they can easily find somebody to replace me. They will just laugh at me that I am insulted and left as if I am something special and they will win.

Or I can talk not much and meet them. But currently I still have hard time to relax when that a**hole won by insulting me.
I also need to work on finding other such high achieved friends but I am lazy to do that. Probably need to go to meetups more. At least in my office where I work there are many high achieved people and its fun most of the time with them.

Hamming wrote:And if I dont like workmates, I can change job. But that way I have less jobs to choose from. And why should I not like if most people like them? Maybe its my issue?

Yes, it is your issue. It would be bad policy to change jobs because you can't get along with one or two people, especially for someone with so many posts on the board about not getting along with people.

But not every people have to like me.

I'm glad you know that, because it seems you spend much more time thinking about the people who don't like you than about the ones who do. Not everyone likes me. Not many people are universally liked. It makes sense to focus on the people who do like you, instead of courting those who don't.

When I accidentally insult people in real life by not being a good speaker or making a bad joke, then I am worrying.

Trouble is, you never seem to learn when you're boring people or what a bad joke is.

I did not understand "Have a bit of dignity around anyone who doesn't."

It means stay aloof around people who clearly don't like you. Stay away from them if you can.

This kind of works, but feels weak, feels like you are not having enough right for your opinion, for speech.

Without knowing what your opinions are, I can't tell how you're coming across. Maybe you refuse to listen to counter-argument, and want everyone to agree with you. You'll never find everyone agreeing with you. You can't force it. And sometimes the loudest speakers are just plain ignorant.

LIke this guy who insults me - he says what he wants to say. He looks strong. I look weak.

You don't have to make a decision between saying what you want to say, and being popular. You can be popular by mixing only with people who a) agree with you or b) enjoy a debate. If someone repeatedly insults you, either stay away from them or develop a thicker skin.

if all people in the group leave us alone [...] You have to talk something I guess. It is otherwise awkward silence.

Oh, you're uncomfortable with silence? You think it's up to you to fill it? I much prefer silence to someone who rushes in with nonsense. I'm quite content with my own thoughts.

What is smart reply? I think I always have them...

I suspect you don't. If you always had a quick comeback that wasn't insulting, you wouldn't be on the forum agonising about who likes you and who doesn't. There's a world of difference between having a smart reply and being and smart-ass.

You mean I am insulted because I worry about being insulted?

Yes, absolutely. In human interactions, we get what we expect. If you go in defended, you're practically guaranteed to be attacked. Being verbally attacked or insulted isn't in my head. On the rare occasions that I feel insulted, it always comes as a surprise to me. But you are a lot younger than I am. You'll discover life is too short and your peace of mind is too important to be giving a hoot about whether someone likes you.

Ferrari boss told big insult to Ford boss. Ford boss feels good about himself, he is a boss of huge company. But he felt insulted I think.

Feelings are involuntary. However, you can understand that someone just insulted you without going away and agonising over it. If you have low self-esteem, you agree with the insult. That's how it wounds you. If you know you're an okay human doing your best, you can laugh it off as the other person's problem.

The group leader will be trained to manage conflict and to notice when anyone's upset. You may be asked: "Hamming, how do you feel about what person A just said?" Being totally honest will make the group most beneficial to you. In the set-up, the group leader will talk about confidentiality, "what's said in the room stays in the room", and you'll feel safe to speak up as you discover everyone else has the same feelings and difficulties as you do.

Oh, and how do I know you're much younger than I am? Because people who've knocked around the world as much as I have know that what other people think of me is none of my business.

Just saw your most recent post, and I think the advice you found is good.

One thing jumps out at me: You're very invested in courting high achievers. You probably come across as sycophantic.

Become a high achiever yourself. It will use up far less energy.

Candid wrote: One thing jumps out at me: You're very invested in courting high achievers. You probably come across as sycophantic.

I agree with Candid and will add one thing...

You are invested in courting men that you idolize along two factors, women and wealth.

It doesn’t matter if they are a good person or not. You don’t care about that.

You don’t worship the hard working man with solid ethics, wife, child, living a modest life as they save for education and retirement. Instead you worship the flashy man at the bar with the expensive car that has multiple women in his stable.

Your mindset is that of a young male teenager.

And that’s sad really. It shows a degree of ignorance on your part. It demonstrates a level of shallow, lustful, hedonistic, emotionally driven worship of other people based on values in life that are less than fruitful.

The worship of women and wealth is something you should reconsider.

Yes, it is your issue. It would be bad policy to change jobs because you can't get along with one or two people, especially for someone with so many posts on the board about not getting along with people.

It means stay aloof around people who clearly don't like you. Stay away from them if you can.

Those statements are conflicting. I have to stay away if I can. And changing jobs I can. I hope nobody finds out that this nickname belongs to me I really doubt that some bosses will dig so deep. But more worried that the people who know me well might start reading this forum and see stories sounding familiar.

Maybe you refuse to listen to counter-argument, and want everyone to agree with you. You'll never find everyone agreeing with you. You can't force it. And sometimes the loudest speakers are just plain ignorant.

I try to listen. It looks for me the opposite - they dont listen to my argument.

You don't have to make a decision between saying what you want to say, and being popular. You can be popular by mixing only with people who a) agree with you or b) enjoy a debate. If someone repeatedly insults you, either stay away from them or develop a thicker skin.

Hmm, about thincker skin, I googled, so they say dont take it personally. I know some people who dont fight back as much versus people who insult them but they look weaker. Or can you name some popular people who are cool and have thick skin? I think one guy I know is also an a**hole by the way he talks with his mother. And his mother is weak, does not fight back. When he the cousin was small kid, I believe she would have fighted back because she had more power then. And he himself said once that he looks if oponent is weak and argues as he is right even if he is not right. After he stated this, I thought I am weak, and he is doing same with me, and I reduced amount of communication with him. It clearly looks like he will be exploiting my weakness. But on the other hand, I got some good advice on life from him also. So by excluding those assholes from my life I also lose something. Oh, and maybe the big thing is - why I should not take it personally if the one who insults takes everything personally. Thats really sound not fair. If I can listen to insults, I should be able to insult him back without consequences because he would not be taking personally. I guess that is bit motivator to take it personally.

Oh, you're uncomfortable with silence? You think it's up to you to fill it? I much prefer silence to someone who rushes in with nonsense. I'm quite content with my own thoughts.

Yes, I am uncomfortable. Only in close relationship I am confortable. Dont know who is up to fill it. But when I dont fill, I feel I will look too much insulted.

Yes, absolutely. In human interactions, we get what we expect. If you go in defended, you're practically guaranteed to be attacked. Being verbally attacked or insulted isn't in my head. On the rare occasions that I feel insulted, it always comes as a surprise to me. But you are a lot younger than I am. You'll discover life is too short and your peace of mind is too important to be giving a hoot about whether someone likes you.

This is weird. Why is that?

Feelings are involuntary. However, you can understand that someone just insulted you without going away and agonising over it. If you have low self-esteem, you agree with the insult. That's how it wounds you. If you know you're an okay human doing your best, you can laugh it off as the other person's problem.

I would say I question the insult - is it right or not. And come to forums to investigate or argue with the insulter if I dont see bad consequence. I kind of do not want to agree with the insult, but I am not sure, maybe he is really right. But the problem is that they dont want to argue and I do not hear fully convincing arguments of why they think I am stupid. Their few arguments which they tell do not make sense. I doubt they can find enough arguments to prove me I am stupid.
Its easy to say I have low self esteem, but I am trying many years to make it high, but looks like it does not work for me so far.

The group leader will be trained to manage conflict and to notice when anyone's upset. You may be asked: "Hamming, how do you feel about what person A just said?" Being totally honest will make the group most beneficial to you. In the set-up, the group leader will talk about confidentiality, "what's said in the room stays in the room", and you'll feel safe to speak up as you discover everyone else has the same feelings and difficulties as you do.

About telling how I feel what someone said to me in the group I guess will be no problem to honestly say About confidentiality - thats hard part. I will not tell name surname said this in the group. But maybe its not a problem if I tell without telling name surname of the person. I hear on the radio, whole country can hear how psychologist tells stories from their clients without telling their names and no problem.

You're very invested in courting high achievers.

It doesn’t matter if they are a good person or not. You don’t care about that.

For me it looks like it matters if they are good or not. I even want to fight them and show them their place who are bad. Especially I want to criticize them for doing bad things.

Why do you think it does not matter form me?

The worship of women and wealth is something you should reconsider.

I am not sure if I worship the woman as much just some. About wealth - not sure why is it bad. When I started earning more - I am feeling that my life became better. Plus I have more options to choose what I want to be with - assholes or nice people. And if you say I should avoid assholes, the wealth help it. If your priority is money from the job because you dont have them, you have less jobs to choose from. And in those few jobs there can be assholes working also.