I think I have a story which is unique

you have a 100% record in coping with everything life has challenged you with so far, it is important to remember this fact, you are powerful, you are capable, you are strong, you are gentle, you are loving, you are kind, you can believe in yourself more, only you can choose to do this for yourself

Dear DrowningAlone...

Your mother-in-law's hospital experience is an illustrative point. Put your mind or your body in someone else's hands, and that person doesn't have a fraction as much interest in the outcome as you do. Massive brain haemorrhage? Dear god, how does anyone come back from that?? For the hospital staff it's an embarrassing mistake. They say sorry, give their explanations, and carry on. Your future can be wrecked by one person, who says oops and keeps going while the world writes you off.

I'm aware of the feelings you have for your mother-in-law, possibly the only real witness to and sharer of the anguish you experienced from the time of your wife's diagnosis until now. I'm thankful you told your story here before this happened, because it's another Bastard Blow (From Above?) and we might never have known of you if this had happened before you signed up.

I have been wanting to write back to others who have responded to my post – and especially you, Candid, I absolutely have not forgotten you – but I just haven’t had the time.

That's okay. It really is. I've witnessed a family scapegoat going off into the wilderness to drink himself to death. I knew him and his family. As far as I know his parents are still alive. His gravestone is online, showing that whoever buried him didn't know his birthday or how old he was. I have self-containment like you wouldn't believe, and a Purpose that overrides all else, including moments of despair. I make time for the forum because I experience it as a safe space in which to talk to people with issues along the child abuse continuum. I also collect data here for my book on the subject of family scapegoating -- and practically anyone here offers raw material. Depression. Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Anger, Addictions, Eating Disorders, Workplace issues, Self Esteem & Confidence, Relationship issues generally... Being taught at a young age that you're a piece of shlt with no rights whatsoever sets you up for any or all of these. It's a question of how I allocate my time.

I am just trying to stay above water right now.

I know the feeling! Am I going to get my magnum opus out there before I keel over from constant frenzied work and chronic insomnia? Will I actually tell my story? Time will tell. The insomnia gives me 20+ hours a day to ricochet around, half wishing I'd get the fatal diagnosis that lets me wave the white flag and say Mother, you won. But I expect to be here if/when you have time to 'talk'.

and i thought I am depressed because i feel a lil isolated

how can you connect more right now?

My mother-in-law had a sudden heart attack and died, Her heart just couldn't deal with all the consequences of the brain hemorrhage. Just one more thing sucking the life out of me. She was actually relatively healthy until the medical system got a hold of her.

Sorry I have not responded to anyone, I am just too overwhelmed to think.

That's ok buddy, we are here for you whenever you would like to chat

Yeah, me too. xx

@DrowningAlone
I've read through the thread and your experiences. The sense/state of constant onslaught is all too familiar, I wish it wasn't. Sorry to read you've had another huge blow. I hope you'll find sufficient sanctuary and support via this thread (or anywhere) to allow you to find your way past this last hit, and out the other side to reunite with your productive self.

I found this thread during one of my deep downers, so not much to offer right now, reading your story (and Candid's responses) actually got me to register here, something I usually avoid. I just wanted to give you an e-hug and let you know that you're being heard. I'm aware you may not respond for a while or perhaps not at all, I've had too many blows myself to take it personally, so don't make it something to worry about.

@Candid - just quick hit and run. I read your responses, the expression "instinct-injured", just jumped off the page. I suspect this is the/a root cause of this state of constant onslaught. I'm having a really bad day, so I'll come back when My head is clearer, but thank you for shining a light on a potential door out of this hellish tunnel.

MakeorBrake wrote:"instinct-injured", just jumped off the page.

Have a look at http://tonirahman.com/2011/03/26/instin ... t-happens/ and http://www.healingresources.info/trauma ... orders.htm.

I suspect this is the/a root cause of this state of constant onslaught.

I always suspect it when I see its effects, and on this forum (but not IRL) I've been known to go in like a bulldozer and challenge people's rosy view of their caregivers. IRL I take it much slower, knowing that people with instinct-injury and attachment trauma will respond immediately to validation of their feelings if I don't start pointing fingers.

I know how hard it is to see parents/caregivers as acting from their unmet needs when they routinely tell us they've beaten us black and blue for our own good. See Alice Miller, http://www.alice-miller.com/ on the subject. "My parents don't love me" or "actively hate me" is the Unthinkable Thought for a small child, and that second reading in particular shows how we can get stuck in black-is-white thinking. That means choosing abusive partners and friends because this is 'love'. This is what 'love' does: it punishes us and punishment is a good thing. The longer it goes on, the more painful history we have to look back on, confirming that we're bad, stupid and wrong. Even the best of our friends start saying so.

I'm having a really bad day, so I'll come back when My head is clearer, but thank you for shining a light on a potential door out of this hellish tunnel.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Yes, there's always a door out of hell.

Thank you Candid, I've been reading a the links, yes, familiar it's ringing many bells. I don't want to hijack this thread, so I've started another thread.

DrowningAlone, sending you another e-hug.

MakeorBrake -- thank you for the e-hugs! Candid -- hello again, I hope you are well.

One other thing I am doing right now in the midst of everything is preparing for a quite aggressive and non-traditional treatment for the effects of my traumatic brain injury. It's too complicated to go into here, but my health has seriously deteriorated in the last few months, and this treatment has the ability to make a big difference (it could almost restore me to normal) -- but it also has a big risk associated with it (essentially death). I have been working on this for years now, and am ready to take the plunge (I have no choice, really, I am deteriorating too rapidly). So this is really an all-consuming endeavor, I only get shot at it. This is what has kept me so busy! I am doing a number of things to get all my "ducks in a row" so as to maximize the odds.

Aggressive and non-traditional! I hope you're not consorting with witchdoctors?

Thank you for the expression "ducks in a row". Seems like a worthy endeavour at any time, especially for those of us whose ducks are perpetually flapping and quacking all over the place, routinely getting shot down. Imagery works well for me... so I'm now thinking of labelling a whole lot of ducks so I can coax the one with my best interests at heart to lead a nice neat V formation. Some of my ducks probably need to be shot down.

You're headed for surgery, right? What kinds of things have to be done to maximise the chance of success?

I'm concerned about the affirmation "I am deteriorating too rapidly", and I wonder how objective that is. Is it about monitoring your slide down the slippery slope, and worrying about it? Is it possible to look for any small ways in which things are improving?

Wishing you the for the treatment. How are you coping with the loss of your MIL? Are you able to care care of yourself in terms of eating and sleeping?