How can i control my anger?

Hi Unknowwn,

I believe I might be able to help. I will explain the ‘How To’ of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but first a Trick that will keep you from getting so close to what seems like Rage Anger all the time. You see, what fuels intense Anger is a brain secretion called Cortisol. It is released by a gland that is fairly close to the Brain Stem. What triggers Cortisol is whatever might make you feel defensive or threatened. Yes, what seems to trigger your anger doesn’t seem like much, but the unfortunate thing about Cortisol is that the more the gland that secretes Cortisol is activated, the easier it is to activate the next time. What happens I suppose is that your Body feels, because of all the Cortisol activations, that you live in a Very Dangerous Environment. This is the problem of living a High Stress Lifestyle – that you develop a kind of a ‘hair trigger’ where Cortisol is involved. But this Trick I am about to tell you about will help you to put this escalating cycle to an end.

Understand that Cortisol is triggered by subconscious portions of the Brain. Whatever signals or perceptions that Triggered the Cortisol may not register in your Conscious Mind for several seconds after the Cortisol has already been pumping. What Cortisol does is it acts like a very intense Stimulant for the muscles, and it also redirects Brain Activity to the more primitive portions of the Brain, away from the Higher Rational Centers, and this is why Once You Are Angry it is so difficult to regain control. Because the conscious mind often lags behind the Cortisol by a number of seconds… often until it is too late… you need to STOP the Cortisol even before you are even consciously aware that you have been Triggered. This seems like an impossible dilemma until you realize that because the Jaw Muscles are so close to the Brain gland that releases Cortisol, that almost the very instant that the Cortisol begins pumping THE JAW MUSCLES TIGHTEN, OR YOU MAY FEEL IT AS THE TEETH CLENCHING. The Trick is to use THAT signal as your Warning and all you have to do is Instantaneously RELAX YOUR JAW MUSCLES. You can do that simply by Opening your Mouth – pretend you are taking a deep breath through your mouth. That, for some reason, stops the flow of Cortisol immediately.

I don’t know why all the Anger Management Books do not site this particular technique. I myself have been working on my Anger for years, and the books always say to look for the first signs of Anger, and that is how I spotted the Jaw Clenching Reflex. Relaxing my Jaw Muscles was then just a lucky guess. Then through subsequent reading I pieced together the rest of the puzzle. I would suppose that primitive people and people more in touch with nature always knew about this Reflex – if a bear walked into the village then Clench Your Teeth and Keep them Clenched because you would want to Go Wild and Crazy, but, if you just caught the site of the village stupid mangy dog out of the corner of your eye and thought it was a Wolf for a split second, and then as quickly saw it was a false alarm, you would open your mouth and go “Wuuuuu!” or whatever and let the little bit of Cortisol that got released pass. But, yes, here at the Anger Management Forum we have been spreading the word about this Cortisol Jaw Reflex Technique for some time now and many people have commented that It Works. So, Unknowwn, see if you can practice it and see if it doesn’t work for you. When I first decided to Practice the Technique I thought of stabbing my hand with a pin in order to excite a Cortisol release, but it turns out that all you need is a pin and the Idea that you are about to stab your hand – just the anticipation of stabbing yourself with a pin is enough to kick off the Cortisol. Remember, don’t waste a millisecond – as soon as you feel your Jaw Muscles tighten, go “Wuuuuu!”- Open you mouth, relax your Jaw Muscles.

Then I discovered that whenever one of my 4 cats would be naughty or annoying, for instance when I would be writing or working on Mathematics, my jaws would tighten up. I used to get Angry at the cats, but not anymore. Now in a relaxed manner I just tell them “You Be Good!”. Also, one lady said that, surprisingly, the Jaw Tightening also occurs before Physical Intimacy (apparently, as far as the body goes, the Act of Physical Intimacy is ‘risky’ and dangerous enough to trigger a mild Cortisol release, so you can use moments like that also for recognizing and relaxing the Jaw Reflex). Especially, whenever you get into any discussion with your Partner, even if you think it starts innocuously, well, we both know that these Triggers can come out of nowhere, so keep a close eye on yourself for that Jaw Reflex. Another lady wrote back saying that in order to be careful she just keeps her mouth open, lips slightly apart and teeth separated, and she breaths through her mouth during situations where she wants to be extra careful. She told me that “It is impossible to get angry with my mouth open”. So you see, this is not just me with some crazy idea. People here really do say it Works. Let us know how it works for you.

Now, about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The idea behind that is that chronically angry people have been conditioned by their Lives into having really bad behavioral habits and bad habits in the way they think about things that causes them to feel defensive, offended, insulted or just plain Angry. The shortcut to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is to remember the 3 R’s. First R – REVIEW. You Review all your Behaviors that get you into trouble and all the Thought Patterns that get you into trouble. Second R – REVISE. Do NOT try to justify these Behaviors and Thought Patterns that get you into Trouble. That is what people always do (why I am right to be so pissed off), and that is what keeps them getting into Trouble all the time. You want to Revise these Behaviors, these Thoughts. So you think of what you should DO instead, or what you should THINK instead. 3rd R – REHEARSE. Once you identified behaviors or thought patterns that get you into trouble, and you have thought about what to Do and Think instead, then whenever it crosses your mind, Rehearse the new thoughts and walk yourself through the new Behaviors like you are rehearsing for the School Play.

Lastly, since you anger seem so close to Rage and it has been almost chronic, you really should put yourself on a serious diet of Anger Management Books. Stay away from the New Age Stuff because those authors are just writing books for what they think is a niche market, and they don’t really know what they are talking about. Also, avoid books by Philosophers who spout about Anger but they were probably never angry a day in their life… they just have their theories about Anger like they have theories about everything else they know nothing about. You need to stick to books by Psychologists and Medical Professionals who have had clinical experience treating Angry People. The best author out there I believe is Ronald Potter-Efron. You can get his books on line. He wrote one book specifically about Rage. A recent book, “the Angry Brain” goes into detail about what I said about Cortisol (except for the trick). And there are other titles by him. If you read “the Angry Brain” he talks about Neural Plasticity – that the Brain will Re-Wire areas that are seldom used for the learning of New Tasks. The way it applies to us is that if we discontinue Angry habits of Behavior and Thought, then it is very likely that the Brain will simply Over-Write the Old Habits with the New habits… or the Brain might actually develop New Centers, even generating brand new brain cells. BUT, this process takes a while. Chronic Anger will not go away simply because of a change in Attitude. It takes Daily Anger Management thought and Focus for you to thoroughly re-program your Angry Brain into a nice courteous and polite Brain. It is like learning to play the violin. Practice, Practice, Practice. The author says “months” but I would tend to believe it takes “years”. Yes, for years, I would read a chapter of some Anger Management book every day. Then I took this Forum on as a Hobby to keep my Head in the Anger Management Game. I believe you should work at it the same way. Make anger management your new Hobby. Become an expert. In ten years you will be an entirely different person. At Thanksgiving your own family won’t know who the heck you are. “Who are you and what did you do to our mean and surly Daughter?”

Thanks for the reply. I will defiently try this out and i will post again if i notice a change. Thanks for advice also.

Leo Volont,

Very interesting that about relaxing jaw muscles soon as you feel them clench as anger starts to mount, have never heard of that before.
People often say when you start to get angry step back and take deep breaths and it often works, at least partially. I now suppose there could be a connection between that and having the mouth partly open, i.e. relaxing the jaw, as you start to feel angry.

moondaddy1 wrote:Leo Volont,

Very interesting that about relaxing jaw muscles soon as you feel them clench as anger starts to mount, have never heard of that before.
People often say when you start to get angry step back and take deep breaths and it often works, at least partially. I now suppose there could be a connection between that and having the mouth partly open, i.e. relaxing the jaw, as you start to feel angry.

Hi Moondaddy (cool name!)

Hey, thanks for the thumbs up. Oh, yes, "stepping back and taking a deep breath" might take too long. As I said, that Cortisol is pumping the whole time. So, really, you just have to De-Clench on the exact instant that you feel the Clench. My kitty-cats have given me a lot of practice.

You know, some day I suppose an actual psychologist will visit this page to see how the Common Masses perceive Anger Management Therapy, and he or she will be rewarded with an Idea for a Research Grant. the Shrinks should realize that they will learn nothing new just sitting around in their Tower listening to their own Echo Chamber.

Dear Leo,

I just want to thank you for sharing this technique. I have been using it for some time and I can see the improvements in my ability to control my anger. For some reason it works and I guess I'm lucky to have come across your wonderful writings. I've read a lot of them since I find them informative, helpful, insightful and at the same time, entertaining. I respect that you take the time to respond to us angry people in order to help us overcome our weakness, which may have affected our lives severely before. I can feel your kindness and also your humor in some posts. I'm trying to emulate those two approaches to my life as well. I believe that you are trying to teach us to find the humor in life and not take ourselves too seriously all the time. I also believe that the kindness that you sincerely show is a testimony of how you yourself have overcome your own anger. Sorry if I got it wrong, that's just how I see things. I appreciate your replies a lot. They've helped me so much that I felt oblige to recommend your works to other forums in Uncommon.

I've been weeks without angry outbursts since I kept in mind the things you've said and practiced the jaw relaxing technique. It feels like such an accomplishment when I manage to keep the tiger in the cage instead of letting it impulsively pounce when I'm pushed to the edge. I have you and your cats to thank for this. Your cats have certainly done humankind a monumental service through your anger management practice sessions together. Please buy them some treats on my behalf. (I have cats too, and I find that I'm less angry at them now whenever they do things that usually pisses me off )

Anyway thank you my kind sir. Wishing you and your cats well. Please keep on writing.

Cheers,
SoulFull

Hi Soulful

Wow! that was beautiful... I'm all choked up. Our Society seems very reserved sometimes and it seems that everyone just believes that people don't need gratitude or positive feedback because "that is what they're paid for"... and they think that even about Volunteers, whose Reward is probably supposed to be the Warm Fuzzy Feeling we get by serving the Greater Community. Well, yes, that Warm Fuzzy Inner Feeling, and $8.95 will get you a Double Latte at Starbucks. So, yes, thank you so very much. It means a great deal to me to realize that I have made a difference.

Also, THIS Forum could use as much Confirmation as it can get for this Jaw Relaxing Technique. the more positive anecdotal 'hype' this technique gets, the closer we will get to having it be incorporated in the next generation of Anger Management Self Help Books, and of course by the Clinical Therapy People. So, yes, thank you on behalf of that Technique, which really should have a Life of Its Own.

Oh, and Soulful.... don't forget about Reviewing your Dreams for anger. If you can remember your dreams, then they can be very useful. Some people use dreams to Vent and as a SAFE Release. Well, there is nothing SAFE about it. Dreams are Training for Life, and the Choices we make in dreams will be the Subconscious or even Conscious Impulses that drive our behavior when awake. But, yes, people screw up in dreams all the time, but you only have to Consciously Determine that "Well, I Got That Wrong!" and go over in your mind how you wish you would have behaved. It is like a LOOP where Dreams Influence Life and Life Influences Dreams .... it is wonderful how the Mechanisms of Life and Dreams work together.

Again, Soulful, Thank you thank you thank you.

Leo
Thank you again for helping!

I am taking notes and practicing your suggestions.

Review: my long spiels, my interruptions, my loudness + more

Revise: Options, alternative expression, making suggestions instead of demands, summarizing instead of lecturing, Listening + more

Rehearse: repeat repeat repeat until it sinks in!

BUT

The hardest HARDEST part is ignoring!
The injustice
The Danger
The Truth

It's like saying if the Jews had trained their brains not to secrete so much Cortisol then they wouldn't have died in the Gas Chamber!?

I have a battle in front of me and some of it requires Backbone and Teeth.

Do I wait till it's done and blood is spilt before I raise my voice?

Do I let injustice run it's full course because the perpetrators accuse me of having an "Anger issue?"

I lay my burdens down and pick up my cross on every other issue. At Home, at work, at sports and with Family and even Politics I stand without accusation.

Only 1 entity stands between me and a normal life.

So I work on me, while they wreck havoc?

Says The Bear who is being poked?

this is something you have learned to do and you managed to get away with it

you would not do problems with someone who doesnt let you get away with it, you know that your partner doesnt know what to do and you taking advantage of it

your partner should have warn you with a brake up if you continue to escalate the situation, no matter who started, there are red lines you should not even think about

thats the problem, you need a bad asss partner the one you know you cant get away with acting crazy

Hi Pokiebear,

Sorry it took so long to get back to you… its tax season and I had to do some running around. But, yes, your brand of anger (long spiels, interruptions, and
Loud talk) is familiar to me. I am so pleased that you took my somewhat generic advice to heart. Our kind of anger (none rage, none violent, but loud and demonstrative anger) is really the most common. Just a generation ago in many Societies and Communities not many people had much of a problem with such Anger – they called it ‘blowing off steam’. But in the Times we live in now the Threshold has dropped and so any deviation from Mild Manners is considered an unpleasant scene.

Now about the difficulty you have in simply ‘ignoring’ Triggers, that is, ‘picking one’s battles’ with the emphasis on picking as few as possible. As you undoubtedly know, launching into an Anger Episode is very wearing. One is very upset for at least the rest of the entire day, and may lose some sleep, and the echoes persist for the next few days. It is often best to just save the wear and tear on our own nerves by avoiding issues that can be avoided. But you bring up the interesting complexities of Injustice, Danger and Truth. Now, yes, of course, DANGER and any Safety Issue must take precedence over any concern for maintaining a calm veneer of social propriety. But I have to wonder how one can become Angry over a Danger. Perhaps a Hostile Threat could make me Angry, but not, let’s say, a man walking towards an open manhole staring at his Iphone. I would yell a warning but it wouldn’t be an ‘angry’ Warning. But, yes, if some irresponsible group were playing some dangerous game in my area of responsibility then Anger would appear justified. But still I would weigh the Costs and the Benefits of using an Angry tone with them. An Angry Man who can’t afford to move to a New City and start over, must put a High Value on protecting his Reputation from Himself. Always consider what the Real Danger… or worse Danger is? Simple property damage can be fixed, but if you make one Scene too many so that everybody you know will feel uncomfortable around you – that damage is I fear irreparable – or almost irreparable. How many decades must go by with you being a perfect Saint before everyone finally forgets to always refer to you as ‘that Angry Nut’.

Injustices are also very serious. But, again, I have to wonder about the Emotionality of Anger. Whether the Injustice is in regards to one’s self or others, then the perfect response (if we are Masters at controlling our Anger) would be a calm appeal to reason. Sometimes all we can do is to put our Objection on the record. Certainly, where we have no Authority, then expressing our objections with Anger wouldn’t stop anybody. We both know well enough that Anger from ourselves only escalates the Anger in others. If a Calm Objection to Injustice will not remedy the Situation, then Anger certainly wouldn’t, but would probably just make it all the more worse.

Lastly, our concern for Truth. We live in Strange Times. Nowadays a great many plain and uneducated people honestly from deep in their hearts believe that “Opinion” and “Truth” mean the same thing. You can assert a True Fact in a discussion and somebody might disagree with you by claiming “Everyone is Entitled to their Opinion”. Yes, you could get angry, but what for? This is why I truly believe we need much better schools and public education. The Schools have been so fixated on merely Educating a Work Force that they neglect the Important Things such as Moral and Intellectual Character. You know, one can’t talk about the Truth to everybody. With many people, it would simply be going over their heads. There is such a thing as Fighting Battles, and then there is just trying to swat every fly in the Dumpster. Sometimes it is not so much about “picking our Battles” as “saving our breath”.


Oh, Pokiebear, while you did mention “Cortisol”, you didn’t mention whether you had a chance to observe whether or not your Jaw Muscles tighten up when you get Angry, and then whether you have noticed that immediately relaxing your mouth seems to keep the Episode from moving forward. Remember, our Problem is only with the Excitement, the Drama, and all the Yelling, that is, all the things that source from Cortisol. If we can keep the Cortisol down, then we can handle matters Without the Anger. Anger is not Necessary to Action. For instance, the other day I broke up a fight between two children. I knew going in that I would have to remain calm. I told the bigger boy “Whoa”, that whatever reason he had for disciplining the smaller boy, that it seemed to me that it had already gone far enough and that it would probably be best to just “chill out” and go home. Then the smaller boy began to grumble about his ill treatment, and I asked him whether he wanted it to end or wanted it to continue. When they were both quiet, I wished them a good evening. Whatever happened afterwards, at least neither of those two kids would be thinking of me as “that crazy old man”.


Oh, and finally, I really need to commend you for your last 10 or 15 lines. They read like Poetry. You really should have Created your own thread. Those lines would have been worth showcasing. BUT, it worries me that you see this all Poetically. It is too Dramatic. We shouldn’t let ourselves SEE Anger as Ennobling. What I say to everyone who knows that Anger is personally troubling (creating anxiety and worry in our lives), and what I say to everyone who knows that Anger has gotten them into trouble and could destroy their good reputation in the Community (as a Man or Women of Peace), what I say to them is “There is Never any Justification for Anger”. Yes, the Books allow for exceptional cases, but those are the Doctors and the New Age Idiots who may not have firsthand experience about just how troubling Anger can be. As Angry Men and Women Ourselves we need to draw the line at NEVER. Everything can be Handled Calmly. Let THAT be your Drama. Imagine how Martin Luther King would look down from Heaven and Smile upon your engaging with Danger, Injustice and attacks on the Truth with unswerving Calm. That would be the kind of Poetry our Society and the World’s Future needs. Not just another angry fist futilely stirring the air.

Please, Pokiebear, let me know how things are going for you. Your poetry has me worried for you.

Leo

You listen and you feed back and that gets my attention, but you do understand and that means everything. So clay, malleable clay I must remain.

Earlier I used the word ignore ( concerning injustice, danger and evil ) that word is misplaced, ,,, maybe endure is the right word, to endure hardships, to survive to live to see another day?

I need to learn how to go invisible instead of invincible? This is much harder on the front line when retreat will only lead the enemy back to the camp. And if I let the stealthy thief slip past my guard again my Home is at greater risk than if my hearty noise is made.

But I fail again and I escalate and bemoan instead of solve. I make yet Another enemy than I had the day before. And it's worse yet because my enemy has many more Allies than I AND my shoulder company often step aside when I lunge forward? Of course I always end up lonelier tomorrow than today.

My knee jerk reactions are my greatest enemy, ,,, worse than the ones who come after me. And the medicine i take afflicts me more. The consequences i receive inflame my cause! I successfully turn Hope into Hopelessness and then cry foul.

Show me please again the Better Way!

Let my ears and understanding lead and not my fist of fury, please!

Pokiebear wrote:Leo

You listen and you feed back and that gets my attention, but you do understand and that means everything. So clay, malleable clay I must remain.

Earlier I used the word ignore ( concerning injustice, danger and evil ) that word is misplaced, ,,, maybe endure is the right word, to endure hardships, to survive to live to see another day?

I need to learn how to go invisible instead of invincible? This is much harder on the front line when retreat will only lead the enemy back to the camp. And if I let the stealthy thief slip past my guard again my Home is at greater risk than if my hearty noise is made.

But I fail again and I escalate and bemoan instead of solve. I make yet Another enemy than I had the day before. And it's worse yet because my enemy has many more Allies than I AND my shoulder company often step aside when I lunge forward? Of course I always end up lonelier tomorrow than today.

My knee jerk reactions are my greatest enemy, ,,, worse than the ones who come after me. And the medicine i take afflicts me more. The consequences i receive inflame my cause! I successfully turn Hope into Hopelessness and then cry foul.

Show me please again the Better Way!

Let my ears and understanding lead and not my fist of fury, please!

Hi Pokibear,

My God you are Poetic. ‘Learning how to be invisible instead of invincible is absolutely GREAT… I can’t wait until I forget that You said it so that I can think that I thought it up. You really ought to be a writer. But, back to our business here… Yes, you have no problem in regards to knowing what you Should Be Doing, but we have a case where the Attitude is Willing, but the Flesh is Weak, or rather I suppose it is the Case that the Flesh is Stronger than your Attitude – your Intellectual Will Power is overwhelmed by your Nature. Well, you have read what I have written (my name is plastered all over this Forum). Have you taken to heart what I said about Cortisol. Even at the top of this Thread, I had written about Cortisol. The Long and Short of it, Pokibear, is that to keep down your Level of Outrage to almost Zero, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN… don’t let your teeth touch. A Lady who wrote in and taken my advice and had written back to give me her Simplified Shortcut for it – She only has to keep her mouth slightly open when she knows she is walking into The Lion’s Den (a situation where she anticipates being Triggered).

So, Mr. Polibear, PLEASE, keep that Cortisol Trick in mind, and practice it – open your mouth whenever you feel those jaw muscles tighten up. THAT will keep your Overall Stress Low. It really works. This could be your salvation. Oh, and don’t be too proud to apologize to your most recent Enemy. Make some excuse – that your cat is sick and you haven’t been able to get enough sleep and so you were inadvertently ‘cranky’ but that you are deeply sorry, blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean. You are Great With Words and so I don’t know why you haven’t been able to Silver Tongue people instead of Sharp Tonguing them.

Yes Leo the jaw exercise is part of my newest me, and it works, as long as the other parts of the mouth cooperate & as long as no sound comes out (no wrong sound) while the jaws are relaxed.

I can actually "bark like a dog" I've been told.
i.e. w/jaws wide open. LoL

The fluid tongue is the danger.

And those pesky vocal cords.

Let's add a possible routine for the aft and forward ends of the tongue muscle in the quest for reduction of Cortisol takeover?

Thanks again and I apologise for taking over this very valuable thread.

Pokiebear wrote:Yes Leo the jaw exercise is part of my newest me, and it works, as long as the other parts of the mouth cooperate & as long as no sound comes out (no wrong sound) while the jaws are relaxed.

I can actually "bark like a dog" I've been told.
i.e. w/jaws wide open. LoL

The fluid tongue is the danger.

And those pesky vocal cords.

Let's add a possible routine for the aft and forward ends of the tongue muscle in the quest for reduction of Cortisol takeover?

Thanks again and I apologise for taking over this very valuable thread.

Oh! I get it now! Being able to give impromptu speeches has always been your forte, and so you feel totally eviscerated if you must hold your tongue... to take the Field without unfurling your finest Flags or brandishing your sharpest swords. But, the Cortisol Control Technique SHOULD be able to keep you from STARTING to speak in a state where you are already excited. But, yes, I know how it goes... talking carries a momentum and particularly creative speakers can in some sense work themselves up into a fever pitch. It happens with writers too. I do a lot of writing, and must do editorial re-writes to go back and delete all the "good stuff" and replace it with cooler, calmer and more socially appropriate stuff. But, Mr. Pokibear, after a few years of practice with Anger Management, you will find that you will be able to trust yourself more and more with giving Cool Speeches. Make this part of your Review Revise Rehearse Trilogy... especially the Rehearse. Practice giving Speeches that are Intimate and Engaging, even when they are expressing your disapproval or annoyance with people. With your Skills in Talking, you will figure it out. Oh, and have you read into me enough to have gotten my Speech regarding Reading Anger Management on a daily basis as a kind of "Keep Your Head In the Game" devotional practice? It works. Everyday I set aside some time to do some Anger Management practice or activity, and Reading is the easiest Go To thing you can find. My favorite Author is Ronald Potter-Efron, a psychologist who has written a number of popular Anger Management books and even a College Textbook. You can buy one or two on line. Read the reviews and the book descriptions to see which is best to start out with. But, yes, it is always fun to talk with you, Pokibear.

lovelife wrote:The link is not clickable on my post for some reason here try this https://clk.ink/oBW8x

Jezus Kyle, That URL is just a URL. Why can't you give us a Searchable Name of Something. I wasn't stupid enough to just Line It and hit Enter. I put it into a Search Engine and the Engine came back with "Whoa! Are you Sure About This?"

Yeah, I'm suspicious.

Plus, your pushing Easy Cures for Anger. Really?