Anger and my significant other

Dear Gurulantern,

Welcome to the Forum. I can appreciate that you would reach out for Support, especially since I can suppose that your Mind is reeling from these Shame Disturbances… well, not really shame so much as insult and disrespect from somebody that you love. That Hurts. And I can understand why you would not wish to confront her about it, as that would serve to Stir It All Up Again and prolong what you probably wish would just recede and go away. But, as you have said, She seems to have been raised to believe that Insults and Disrespect are Family Norms. That really is a problem in many parts of the World where Politeness and Civility are not Bedrock Foundations of the Social Structure, as they are (or used to be) in East Asia. America and many parts of Europe there is little concern for Politeness, but on the other hand with the Rise of Insult Humor, most people think it is Amusing to be Abusive. For instance, I can easily suppose that your partner Grins and Smiles while she is stabbing you in the heart with her Sharp Tongue, and that she somehow expects you to enjoy her wit and join with her in laughing at yourself.

That sort of Reminds me of a very troubling experience I myself had back more than half a year ago. I had been scheduled for hip replacement surgery and was supposed to spend 3 to 7 days in the Hospital, and so I needed to find somebody who would stop by once a day and take care of my cats. Well, there was this Down On His Luck musician who was actually fairly talented, but Word on the Street was that he would drink excessively on the job, and then engage his audiences with what he thought was humor, and when the Club Managers would speak to him about it, well, he would turn his ‘Humor’ on them also, and so he would Chronically Get Fired. So he actually ran through Every Club there is in this Small World of a Town, and he is too poor to Move to the Next Town and start all over again and so now he is Poverty Stricken. Well, he SAID he had quit drinking (which, now that I Think about it, probably meant that he didn’t have the money anymore to buy as much booze as he would like), and the one time I met with him while he SAID he was sober, he did seem significantly altered for the better. So I asked him if he could watch my cats for what must have been an unusually generous payment for such an easy task, and asked him to come over so I could show him around my Place and explain what would be involved. But, My God, I wish I could turn back the clock on that. As soon as he came through the door, it was just Non Stop – first he started Racially disparaging my Neighbors (from which I could infer a tacit criticism of myself for tolerating Neighbors that he would find intolerable), and then endless comments about my home’s state of uncleanliness, and when he walked into my Music Studio, endless criticisms about how I maintained my instruments, and then he would dismiss my Reasons with comments such as “if you knew what you were doing, you would not Need to do That”. On and On and On it went. Well, eventually he left, but he left me in a state of Shock. I waited for my Mind to settle down, and when it finally did settle down, it occurred to me that PROBABLY the REAL Reason he lost Every Gig in Town was not so much because of his Offending the Audiences so much as his Offending the Managers and Owners of the Clubs. His Non Stop Criticism seems to be beyond Impulse Control. He probably Commented on Everything, and mostly with Negativity and Derision. He got fired because Everybody Hated Him! So it occurred to me that, well, I Hate Him Too! I knew that with him Watching my Cats I would have to interact with him again at some point, and that was something I was unprepared to do. So I called him, and told him he could keep the Advance I gave him but please return the keys. He asked why, and I told him it was because of How he talked to me, and that I did not want to Talk About It, because that would involve having to listen to him Talk even more. Well, he insisted. He told me that I did not have a Sense of Humor and that He had only been Making Jokes. He said that was New York Humor. That was the “Insult Humor” I was speaking about above. One might be able to understand that a Crowd of People witnessing a Good Insult toward somebody that they are indifferent to might think it Funny, but how could Anybody suppose that the Person being Insulted should actually Enjoy the humiliation or embarrassment. But that’s not it, or All of It – it is More than just Insensitivity. I think I know what’s going on with such Comedians… that because Comedy is so dependent upon Correct Timing that they have to spit out their Punchlines to ‘hit the mark’ and so this disallows taking any time to Contemplate the Consequences of saying what they say. It is almost like they have to Train themselves into a State of having Absolutely No Impulse Control over their clever tongues, because, in Comedy, “he who hesitates is lost”. Nearly every Funny Person I know gets into Trouble because of it – having to say whatever pops into their heads that they THINK is Funny. I used to be Funny myself, but had to give it up because of Anger Management Concerns, and that “Thinking Before Speaking” basically cancelled out most of my Really Funny Stuff anyway. Oh, and since I stopped being so “funny” I actually have more friends now. You see, People may laugh at the Time at some stupid and cruel Joke, but I have a feeling that Negative Comedy leaves a Bitter Aftertaste, and that often People find themselves Ashamed later on that they Laughed about certain things, and then they blame You for it.

So, yes, I understand how a person can be Deeply Offended over just Idle Words. Well, That Man I was speaking of has a few Old Friends who are also friends of mine and they tried to apologize for him. But I told them that he subjected me to close to an hour of nonstop insults and abuse, and asked them if He ever did the same thing to Them. They would say “Yes, a little bit, but nothing so prolonged and intense”. Well, I responded, “that must be because he has more respect for you than he has for me, but because he has so little respect for me seems to be very little reason why I should forgive him”.

Well, that is All about Me. But it is You who wants support. You know, it is difficult to give Support in such a Case. You see, it is not really You with the Problem. Yes, I suppose one could say that it is YOUR Problem for not having a Well Developed Self-Effacing Sense of Humor, and that if you were Free of Ego then you wouldn’t take Everything so Personally. But, Really? That makes me think about a News Story I read about Japanese People visiting France. It Seems that the Japanese are so Used to Politeness that when they got to France, with all the Rudeness they encountered there, well, many of the Japanese Tourists suffered Nervous Breakdowns because of it. So the Japanese Travel Industry in conjunction with the Japanese Consulates began providing Briefing Pamphlets warning about the Ubiquitous French Rudeness, and they established offices for Japanese Psychologists and provided every Tourist with their Contact Numbers in case of Nervous Emergencies. Notice that the Japanese Official Response was more than just telling their Tourists “Suck in their Egos and not take anything Personally”.

When you think about it a bit you become mindful of the fact that Human Beings are Social Creatures. And Ridicule DOES have a Social Use. Ridicule is used as a Corrective for Out of Line Social Behavior. Ridicule is what happens First. Next Comes Punishment and then comes Banishment… maybe even Murder. SO when a Social Person experiences Ridicule, the Evolutionary Survival Instinctual Response to it would be Fear and Trepidation that his own Social Status is Being Dangerously Downgraded. For a Person who Feels that Community and Cooperation is Essentially Important (which I believe is Yourself), any instance of Ridicule SEEMS like a Prelude to being Cast Out and Ostracized. THAT is why the Japanese in France have their Nervous Breakdowns, and I suppose this is why Your Head is Spinning right now.

Also, you seem to indicate that your Partner was not always so Insensitive. This often happens in Relationships. One Party to the Relationship begins to grow Cold about it, but the Inertia of the Relationship carries forward anyway. Living Arrangements and Property Agreements, Common Pets, and all sorts of Factors make any kind of Break a very complicated Prospect. And so People stay in Relationships even though the Original Glow has long faded away. But THEN what happens? When People live in close and continuous contact, often Speech is left unguarded. One can hardly be on Guard ALL the Time, can one? And so the Dissatisfaction often comes out in just plain old Irritability. Maybe your Partner has just found a way to put a Certain Polish on her Basic Irritability.

That makes me remember another Personal Story – I was Almost Engaged a few Decades back. I myself noticed that The Constant Glow of Love In Her Eyes had dimmed, and that I was seeing more Peevishness from her. I was hearing complaints about this trivial thing or that trivial thing. Well, as I said, Relationships develop an Inertia and we were set to Move In Together despite my misgivings. But THEN, after knowing that for more than a year that I had a Cat, which she had pretended to like, she came out and told me a week before the Move that she was Allergic to Cats and that Bobgirl Baby Cat would have to Go. THAT made me think about It. Also we had set our Date for Moving in together for when my Lease would expire. So I had a Deadline. Well, after I Thought about it, I Re-Signed my Lease and Kept my Cat. I called Her and told her it was nice knowing her.

Well, GUESS what happened. Inside of a Month she was engaged to be Married. She had said in idle conversation that ‘Some Guy’ had flirted with her (which wasn’t surprising… she after all was quite presentable, and so I didn’t give it a second thought). Well, in Perspective, suddenly it all became clear. Her Behavior toward Me changed when Some Other Guy popped up on her Radar. I am glad I paid attention to my Reluctance and Anxieties concerning her, as they turned out to be quite valid and substantial. Oh, and I think she Kicked my cat. The poor thing lost its appetite and touching her seemed to give her pain. I took her to the Vet and it seemed that her rib cage was busted up and her internal organs had been traumatized. But there was a chance she could recover. In a Month the poor thing was dead. I remember that cat more fondly than I remember Her.

Hmmmm, maybe you should trade in your Too Hot to Handle Partner for a good Cat. But maybe that is not the kind of Support you came her asking for. Well… let me try again….

Yes, Anger Management requires a Lot of Review on How we Think and Feel About Things. We Can learn to Desensitize to certain kinds of Triggers, and to put a lot of Stuff into Perspective. I suppose one way you could Deal with your Partner is to focus Entirely on Her Behavior, that is, when she Insults you, you can busy your mind with thinking “well, WHERE did THAT come from?” This would prevent You from focusing on your own Emotional Reaction. But, Advice Like THAT, is usually intended for Dealing with Strangers, Co-Workers and other People that you can’t Avoid, but still it would be useful to understand the Social Dynamics involved with them, but on an Intellectual rather than Emotional Way. But such a Methodology becomes Problematic when applied to anyone Close to you. You see, when you Make It THEIR Problem instead of YOUR Problem, it REALLY DOES become their Problem. And so we are back to Your Partner being the One with the Problem.

Hmmmm. I can understand why you don’t want to Talk with Her about it. After all, it is Her Talking that IS the Problem. So maybe you can deal with it without talking. For instance, The next time she Insults you, get up and pack your Overnight Case and tell her that you need some alone time… that you “need time to learn how to appreciate her humor”. And come back after your mind settles in two or three days. Maybe after doing that 4 or 5 times she will get the Hint. Or it will give her an excuse to hook up with that Guy that has been flirting with her (there always IS, you know). And If she Breaks Up with You, then there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Oh, and keep all your really important stuff close at hand, so you can leave in 5 Minutes and not leave anything important behind. You know, sometimes the Important Decisions come to you in a Flash, and so it is good to be Ready to Jump.