CandyApples wrote:I decide to stay ---try and try....bc marriage and love is worth trying, and my family unit is worth trying for
You try and try, but
what you try is to change your husband to get what you want, in direct opposition to what he wants.
I think any husband, any man that says I do, it should be hard wired into him that you are there for your wife.
But what does that mean, exactly? From memory, "I do" is about as far as it goes, with (mercifully!) nothing about specific behaviours such as cuddles and flattery. If your husband were to do what you require of him, you would have the "do" without the "I", because that isn't who he is.
To me, marriage is a contract between two people who have agreed to accept each other as a separate "I" with whatever needs, behaviours and quirks are in place. Every couple knows that the contract is subject to change, or rather that "I" and "thou"
will grow and change, because that's what life
is.
As much as you believe he signed up to "be there" for you, he has the right to believe you will be equally sensitive to what he wants. That includes being able to enter the front door without facing immediate demands for praise and flattery.
As the one who identifies more with his position than yours, an important factor in my marriage is that my husband is deaf. It's easy for me to get from front door to my room without him knowing I'm home. It would be insupportable if he was in my face before I had time to 'be at home', and our marriage works much better if I go to him rather than the other way round. That's why I advised you (and still advise you) to let him come to you.
I just think its very simple. "I had a bad day" response "oh, what happened"....." can you please just sit with me for 5 mins" response "sure what's up" ...
Absolutely.... unless it's always the same one of the couple who expects instant empathy, and he or she needs it practically every day, or even several times in one day, and the other half of the couple has different needs
that are consistently ignored because the one needing so much careful attention doesn't even think to put him- or herself in the other party's place.
What are you going to do, hand him a script?
While things are way way better now, I still have to remind him "hey hug your kiddo" or "say good night to her".
Yes, you already have. Many times. My husband also tells me what to do, usually but not always for practical purposes. Because we came late to marriage, the power struggle is likely to go on for a while yet. There's the shock of realising "this person is separate from me, and not an extension of me", followed by attempts at makeover and, ideally, understanding and compromise.
The Mars and Venus stuff by John Gray has been criticised and ridiculed, but his basic premise makes sense to me.
One example is men's complaint that if they offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation, the women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, but mainly want to talk about them. ~
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_f ... from_VenusI think we can see as much in this thread.
He loves her more than life...
Ugh. My literary self
and my literal self object to this nonsense everywhere I see it. No one loves
anything more than life. It isn't possible, unless you mean that your husband would run into a burning building to save the kiddo. No doubt he would -- but he would expect to survive himself, and would stop short at an impenetrable wall of flame.
I object to cliches, especially when applied to human emotion. To me it makes you seem insincere if you can't find words of your own to use.
I simply demand and deserve a little more.
You demand, but from what you write it's doubtful you deserve. The question is whether you want specific behaviours, or the man you married.