Hello everyone,
I don't really know who to turn to since I finished therapy and would really appreciate your opinion.
To break it down, I'm 23 yrs old, married and have no clue what I'm doing.
So far so normal.
I've spent my teenage years in therapy and worst case- on mental wards, 12 times by the age of 21. My last diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder.
Luckily, the last 3 years have completely changed my life. I've had no psychotic episodes and the depression didn't get out of hand either. I'd like to think that, apart from the occasional panic attack, I'm ''healed''. I used to be a medicinal testing ground so to speak - changing medication all the time, because nothing really seemed to work and a lot of the time side effects were treated better than the original symptoms. In the end, I turned my back on psychiatry and tried to manage on my own. And I did - I changed my life drastically.
The relationship I was in when I was still being medicated was basically just for stability, because I thought it mature to have a simple but stable life. I never thought I could change, so I just rolled with it. We shared an appartment, he was fine with me not being able to work due to my mental condition and so long as I could be his little housewife it worked.
Until I got off meds and realized what my life has become. After a few months I moved to my best friend. I felt like I was finally free to start my life. We had a lot of fun together and I even got a job at a restaurant. We married soon and enjoyed being young and careless. But we've had a difficult start because he didn't have a job for a long time and the stress of being a sole earner built a lot of tension and frustration. But somehow we pulled through and when he got a job offer from across the country we didn't hesitate and just went.
But somewhere along the way I lost my motivation. I was so focused on getting through the day - day by day, working in a rather toxic environment and coming home to console my husband who got rejected by yet another company while also doing the housework. All the talking in the world didn't help my frustration and even now as things are good, I'm still feeling empty. I just don't really know what to do now. I thought about starting the training to be a chef but that would mean that I'm bound to my husband for at least another 3 years and I don't know if I want that either. We married because we genuinely liked living together and cherished every moment of it. I never loved a partner but he got damn close.
Yet again, we just had each other to rely on, since we didn't have any friends.
Now that he is working again and my worries about money are mostly gone I am questioning our relationship in a different way. Maybe due to his dependency I distanced myself somewhat. I still like living and spending time with him but more as a friend than a lover. I really don't like intimacy at the moment which doesn't help the situation. All the women I know are in more or less unhealthy relationships but stay in it because they built up a life and think they would be worse off on their own. Am I making the same mistake? Again? I don't have to, I don't have any children and I am financially independent. But I still very much like my husband, he is the coolest guy I've ever met. If he would stop wanting physical contact, I'd be totally fine. But that is not healthy. But it is MY issue, not his. Is this what marriage is like? If he'd be a woman there would be no difference, this is not about gender - i'm pansexual, I don't have that excuse. I just don't want to break his heart by changing something for no reason but I don't want to regret doing nothing again.
I am a master in enduring unpleasant situations but I never know when to stop.
I've told you about my history because even if the problem is just ''marriage issues'' there are things to take into account as to why I am behaving the way I am. Any thoughts on my situation?
Sorry for the long post
- take care