Help Changing Perspective on Romantic Relationships

Go on dates. That will help change your perspective.

An analogy might be a person that hates a group of people because of the color of their skin. They grow older and while they recognize it isn’t logical, their past experiences cause feelings of distrust.

What advice would you give them?

It is similar with your distrust in all women. You have built a stereotypical, simplistic view that you have decided to apply broadly to an entire class of people. And the fastest path out of that view is to prove yourself wrong. How? By going on dates.

Note, I’m not saying it is necessarily easy. It will involve the risk of more rejection. But it still isn’t an issue of all women.

I can give you a pretty direct perspective, I don't think you've considered. When you were younger and in a different place in life, did you chase after girls that you felt would make you feel better about yourself that were actually not good matches for you then? I ask because the one folly we always make when we're young is if we think we "want" something, we believe that will fill in those gaps that leave us feeling incomplete when we look at ourselves.

I noticed you described all of these women on superficial terms like you might describe a car in a showroom. Love the brand new finish, the strong motor, and that new car smell. You could envision how good you would look cruising around with the top down so everyone could see who was driving that beauty. But that car seem like an impossible dream when you were working as a chubby bagger in a grocery store and felt less than special. But today you're a career man and in top physical shape, so those new cars, their price tags, and your self image are no longer the obstacle that stood between you in the past.

Well maybe when you were young that would have meant more because you felt different about yourself, which resulted in you placing these subjects on a higher pedestal. But now that you've worked hard to get to a place where you can have those things, maybe you're looking at those cars with wiser eyes. Maybe the price is not practical. Maybe you see the paint will still have to be a job to maintain like your current vehicle. And maybe now you'll see that no matter how beautiful the car, eventually even the best of the best will become a common sight if you look at it every single day.

So instead of you looking at these women as people that might have said no to you when you were younger, maybe you should view them as ill-advised mismatches that your low self-esteem made you chase after to fill those inadequacies you carried. And when you view them as rejections, wouldn't that also apply to your own actions when you went around others that might have been more suitable for who you were back then?

And lastly I have to ask, is the image you're selling actually attracting the person you want now? Because it sounds a little bit like you have the same problem as you did when you were young. The values that you hold dear to make you feel better about yourself are not fixing the real issues that leave that empty space inside yourself. You crossed over and became what in your eyes you were lacking to get those superficial qualities in others. Well... is the superficial nature of them now the problem? Are you finding out that maybe attracting those kinds of people is not really for you? Because at the end of of the day its who you are, not what you are.

So the conflict may not be that you think you're carrying that resentment against these people, but that maybe you're realizing they weren't as special as you envisioned them to be back then. Everyone has flaws. No one is perfect. And what I've learned is those who try to sell the "perfect race" in their life, carry the greatest load of dissatisfaction. Number one because its bullsh*t. Number two because it gives you no room to be a humble and understanding person. Everything has to be about presentation to sell this fake standard. Keep it real and stay grounded with who you are instead of chasing stereotypes that have never serviced you well.