Latest state of play with my anger issues

Josh Smith wrote:Hi,
I posted back in 2013 about temper tantrums that seemed to come from nowhere. Well, I tried therapy, homeopathy, positive self-talk, some self-punishment, and a lot besides. The tantrums have been going on until recently when two things happened - my wife threatened to leave me if I don't get myself sorted out and I upped the painfulness of the self-punishment.
Recent insights have been that I am not properly differentiated as a person in a close relationship ( I just go along with things passively, often don't know what I want, feel etc), I'm relatively narcissistic - lacking in empathy, feeling superior (despite the facts) with underlying mysogenist attitudes. I avoid feeling shame but this has improved by a practice of giving myself compassion and my wife compassion too. Having done some chakra work, my anger/rage seems to be centred in my navel and I work with relaxing this.
The tantrums have stopped for a couple of weeks but I still lie sometimes to get my way or avoid blame and I still do little acts of passive-aggression when I'm annoyed. Am living a semi-retreat life now - most of my activities in the day are about trying to become a better, more compassionate person. One weird thing is that I really don't like analysing myself despite knowing that it is the way to health. I don't like talking about my issues with my wife and I still find it hard to deal with her criticism - which is almost always completely justified. Generally, I'm not very happy but not depressed either.

Does my story resonate with anyone? What tips, ideas, training could you suggest?

Wow! Of Course it Resonates! You seem to be the Perfect Anger Management Client! You did Everything we tell People to do… and you looked into the Subject and even Did More!

It is Spectacular what you have done.

But let’s do a Reality Check on what you Posted. What I gather is that you have overcome having Extreme Rage Tantrums and Wild Fits, but you have enough Self Awareness of your Anger to realize some of it is still sneaking out. Well, good for you! Rome was not built in a Day! Anger Management is like Music Practice, but kind of on the Inverse… instead of Learning a Skill, you are trying Unlearn a Skill… I am from New Jersey and so I know FOR SURE that Anger is an Actual Skill that can be Cultivated… In New Jersey there are Celebrated Masters of Anger and everyone bows before them like Gods… BUT since it is New Jersey and Everyone is Like That, nobody takes it seriously, and they simply treat Anger like an Art Form… a Big Song and a Dance. It is not a Problem until one moves Out of State.

But, Yes, you have made Significant Progress in Un-Learning your anger. That is Good, isn’t it?

Oh, Question. I am a Master of some small variant form of Kundalini Yoga and was wondering how your Anger was emanating from your Navel Chakra. I’m sure you did not want to bore anybody with the specific details… if you did not suspect that they would care in the least … and here you showed remarkably good judgement, as you decide not to be a Bore, unless somebody expressed Interest. Well, you hooked me… I’m curious… I would like to know more.

Anyway, you show great self awareness. You make me wonder whether if I ever made the same confession and explanation, whether I would come out sounding as though I made as much progress as you. You made remarkable progress, and now I feel as though you are just Finishing and Polishing. Of course that is never Easy. The say the Devil is in the Details. For Instance, and please bear with this Crazy example that came into my head, that British Petroleum… B.P. argued to an American Court that the Americans wanted Too Much Money… that they had Fixed more than 97% of the damage they did, BUT, the LAST 3% WOULD LIKELY COST THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY, AS THE FIRST 97%. Good for the Americans that the Judge told B.P. “well, then you should never have screwed up… it is not the Victims fault that the Final Details… ‘dotting the ‘I’s and crossing the ‘t’s costs so much money… but you can’t expect the Victims to pay for it. Anyway, What I Am Getting At, is that Maybe the Big Tantrums are the Easy Part. But all the Small Details of Anger might take the most actual Time and Effort.

It reminds me of something Swami Vivekananda once said about social morality and ethics. The Higher the Society’s Sensitivity to Morality and Ethics gets, well, the Standards for Good Morality and Ethics Climbs too. Morally Sensitive people think that more things are Bad… or at least bad enough to Care About… then less Morally Sensitive people.

Again, it is like Music Practice. I am The Best Musician I Know, BUT, I am not nearly good enough to Please Myself.

Practice Makes Perfect… but ‘perfect’ is an absolute… And we All Know…. Absolutes are like Unicorns… we all here about them but never see any of them… Absolutes are nothing more than a Mathematical Convention… like Parallel Lines Meet at Infinity. Perfection is an Ideal! We strive to get ever Closer to It without ever being so Unrealistic as to think we can ever attain it.

BUT! You are getting Close!

Ho Leo,
Many thanks for your thoughts. I have to say that, from my side, my progress looks more pathetic than spectacular. With the temper tantrums, it's taken me three years to be just over two weeks in recovery. I guess I don't know how this compares with others but, for the person I thought I was, I find it shockingly bad. And I'm not out of the woods now and may well never be.
On other fronts, I've been passive-aggressive for most of our marriage. As you're interested in kundalini, you might be interested in the fact that passive-aggression came to the fore after some very strong bliss experiences coming from a spiritual practice. I believe that this caused some kundalini syndrome - I started getting angry and argumentative and then it degenerated into passive-aggression. I'm still doing small acts of passive-aggression now and lying. With my long history of faults now, I believe I'm still very far away from polishing.
On the chakra front, I was inspired by Tara Springett's book 'Enlightenment through the path of Kundalini" which has been really helpful in locating different emotions and perceptions in different parts of the body (chakras). Her other book "Stairway to Heaven" showed me at what level of consciousness I''m operating at - giving me an important sense of perspective on what is going on with me. It turns out that, despite appearances, I was operating on the most basic form of consciousness (Innocence) for most of my life and temper tantrums were weirdly a rising up to the next level (Dominance) - just like a toddler has to go through the "terrible twos". I've recently started some serious self-punishment which puts me up a level of consciousness (Obedience). And I thought I was very developed as a person - what a joke that turned out to be!
Let me know if you want to hear more about any of this.

Hi Josh,

I looked up Tara Springett's book on ... that Big Online Seller of Books ... and yes, the Reviews were all quite good. I wish I had time to Read the Book. I should Find the Time... Kundalini is a Tricky Devil... isn't it?

But, I think you are Way too Pessimistic about your Progress. I is probably like myself and Music Practice. I am probably one of the 10 best Bass Players in the World... but since I have such High Standards for myself... I still think that I 'suck'... Until I hear somebody else play! pay attention to Other People's Anger, and realized How Far You Have Really Come.

Yes, you are not Perfect, BUT you only Know This, because you have Established within Yourself Standards of Excellence and Perfection. Ask Yourself... WHO ELSE HAS EVER DONE THAT?

I stand by my Post! You have shown Remarkable Progress!

Hi Leo,

Am intrigued by your thought that my progress has been remarkable. My temper tantrums started when I was 57 and have gone on for 3 years on a fairly regular basis. Only in the past couple of weeks and few days am in recovery. What do you believe would be an expected rate of progress for a 57 year old man?

Josh Smith wrote:Hi Leo,

Am intrigued by your thought that my progress has been remarkable. My temper tantrums started when I was 57 and have gone on for 3 years on a fairly regular basis. Only in the past couple of weeks and few days am in recovery. What do you believe would be an expected rate of progress for a 57 year old man?

Dear Josh,

Well, you are asking the right guy. In age I am just a bit ahead of you.

Old people are not Silly anymore. Old People are cynical and they can see All of the Real Issues that younger people blink their eyes to because it is to Scary to Contemplate.... too Negative to be Part of their Beautiful World...

So, when an Intelligent Older Person finally Sees the Light on his Miss Courses and decides to Straighten Out, well, besides the momentum of Bad Habit, there is not much there to stop Him, is there.

You Already Have It All Figured Out. Now you are just Acting the Gully Position for all of your Old Bad habits.

you are doing Great, just keep up. BUT, don't get complacent. You NEED to become an Anger Management Expert. As intelligent as you are, that will be quite some chore. for most people I tell them to study Every Popular Book they can get on Anger Management. You can start there. then get the Big Fat Real Psychology Books. Of course it can put you somewhat Up the Mountain Top... out of reach of most people. For instance, we have a real accomplished genius on This Page in regards to Anger Management... Intropectivist... or something like that... but it is like he is Under the Curse of Cassandra --- the Ancient Greek Legendary Person who was a Prophet, and Everything She said was True, BUT nobody ever believed her. Well, it is not like people don't Believe Introspectivist... it is just that he is way beyond the usual 'Tweets' that they are used to.... and they move on without thinking about it.... Not Thinking is nearly always a mistake.