Josh Smith wrote:Hi,
I posted back in 2013 about temper tantrums that seemed to come from nowhere. Well, I tried therapy, homeopathy, positive self-talk, some self-punishment, and a lot besides. The tantrums have been going on until recently when two things happened - my wife threatened to leave me if I don't get myself sorted out and I upped the painfulness of the self-punishment.
Recent insights have been that I am not properly differentiated as a person in a close relationship ( I just go along with things passively, often don't know what I want, feel etc), I'm relatively narcissistic - lacking in empathy, feeling superior (despite the facts) with underlying mysogenist attitudes. I avoid feeling shame but this has improved by a practice of giving myself compassion and my wife compassion too. Having done some chakra work, my anger/rage seems to be centred in my navel and I work with relaxing this.
The tantrums have stopped for a couple of weeks but I still lie sometimes to get my way or avoid blame and I still do little acts of passive-aggression when I'm annoyed. Am living a semi-retreat life now - most of my activities in the day are about trying to become a better, more compassionate person. One weird thing is that I really don't like analysing myself despite knowing that it is the way to health. I don't like talking about my issues with my wife and I still find it hard to deal with her criticism - which is almost always completely justified. Generally, I'm not very happy but not depressed either.
Does my story resonate with anyone? What tips, ideas, training could you suggest?
Wow! Of Course it Resonates! You seem to be the Perfect Anger Management Client! You did Everything we tell People to do… and you looked into the Subject and even Did More!
It is Spectacular what you have done.
But let’s do a Reality Check on what you Posted. What I gather is that you have overcome having Extreme Rage Tantrums and Wild Fits, but you have enough Self Awareness of your Anger to realize some of it is still sneaking out. Well, good for you! Rome was not built in a Day! Anger Management is like Music Practice, but kind of on the Inverse… instead of Learning a Skill, you are trying Unlearn a Skill… I am from New Jersey and so I know FOR SURE that Anger is an Actual Skill that can be Cultivated… In New Jersey there are Celebrated Masters of Anger and everyone bows before them like Gods… BUT since it is New Jersey and Everyone is Like That, nobody takes it seriously, and they simply treat Anger like an Art Form… a Big Song and a Dance. It is not a Problem until one moves Out of State.
But, Yes, you have made Significant Progress in Un-Learning your anger. That is Good, isn’t it?
Oh, Question. I am a Master of some small variant form of Kundalini Yoga and was wondering how your Anger was emanating from your Navel Chakra. I’m sure you did not want to bore anybody with the specific details… if you did not suspect that they would care in the least … and here you showed remarkably good judgement, as you decide not to be a Bore, unless somebody expressed Interest. Well, you hooked me… I’m curious… I would like to know more.
Anyway, you show great self awareness. You make me wonder whether if I ever made the same confession and explanation, whether I would come out sounding as though I made as much progress as you. You made remarkable progress, and now I feel as though you are just Finishing and Polishing. Of course that is never Easy. The say the Devil is in the Details. For Instance, and please bear with this Crazy example that came into my head, that British Petroleum… B.P. argued to an American Court that the Americans wanted Too Much Money… that they had Fixed more than 97% of the damage they did, BUT, the LAST 3% WOULD LIKELY COST THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY, AS THE FIRST 97%. Good for the Americans that the Judge told B.P. “well, then you should never have screwed up… it is not the Victims fault that the Final Details… ‘dotting the ‘I’s and crossing the ‘t’s costs so much money… but you can’t expect the Victims to pay for it. Anyway, What I Am Getting At, is that Maybe the Big Tantrums are the Easy Part. But all the Small Details of Anger might take the most actual Time and Effort.
It reminds me of something Swami Vivekananda once said about social morality and ethics. The Higher the Society’s Sensitivity to Morality and Ethics gets, well, the Standards for Good Morality and Ethics Climbs too. Morally Sensitive people think that more things are Bad… or at least bad enough to Care About… then less Morally Sensitive people.
Again, it is like Music Practice. I am The Best Musician I Know, BUT, I am not nearly good enough to Please Myself.
Practice Makes Perfect… but ‘perfect’ is an absolute… And we All Know…. Absolutes are like Unicorns… we all here about them but never see any of them… Absolutes are nothing more than a Mathematical Convention… like Parallel Lines Meet at Infinity. Perfection is an Ideal! We strive to get ever Closer to It without ever being so Unrealistic as to think we can ever attain it.
BUT! You are getting Close!