Therapy

Mookaman wrote:I'm new to this forum. I know that I have an anger problem. I get angry and tend to stay angry for a long time. I have been talking to someone regularly. I'm active duty military, and I know that it has been a problem for a while. I'm not violent, but I get really irritated with people who just don't do their jobs or really don't care that their complacencies hamper others so much. I'm pretty much prehypertensive if not hypertensive for the past 5 years. Docs have been refusing to put me on meds for it, which doesn't help at all. I could go on, but I'm hoping to find some answers as to how others alleviate stress and handle anger buildups.

HI Mookaman,

Welcome to Dodge. I’m ex-military myself. Believe it or not, but it was the happiest time of my life. Not stuck doing the same thing all the time. You got Exercises, maintenance on vehicles, office work, driving… practically everyday was different. And if you are good at it all, then people really appreciate it. In the Private Economy, well, it’s all a big rut, and nobody appreciates anything you do (they say that’s what you’re paid for) and the people you work for would fire you if they could get an extra nickel from it, and even your co-workers… well, in the Military you learn that you can count on your Team, but in Private Industry, well, loyalties are mixed, and you learn to walk with your back up against the wall.

But, yes, I know how you feel, and I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I would get so keyed up on the job – schedules to meet, deadlines and all of that, and so I would be going at 110%, and it would really supper annoy me to see people taking it easy, slacking off, shamming. Now, yes, this was when I became a Civilian. In the Military I had always been in really great organizations where I never really ever noticed anybody not giving 100%... well, accept for the people that weren’t really up at that Proficiency Level where you WANTED them to be involved. Sometimes, it’s best to leave some people on the bench, so they don’t do more harm than good, right?
Okay, we met. Enough of the pleasantries…. Let’s get down to the Anger Management Business.

First thing! Very Important! Don’t get any of those Meds! It would be a huge mistake. I read about them. They slow you down. You tend to put on weight. You lose your sex drive. Then when you are unhappy with them and try to get off them, well, the withdraw symptoms are worse than any drug you can imagine. If you take a drink then your head spins and you fall down… that’s just a beer. In your head there is this noise that happens – skitch, skitch, skitch, skitch. It never stops, and whenever there is a ‘skitch’ you have a feeling that for that fraction of a second you just lost all balance and motor control in your body. Even after ten years off the things, late at night, drifting off to sleep, there will be that ‘skitch’ coming up every once in a while, and you wonder how much it is taking from you. No, don’t do any of those drugs. We are talking about the worst mistake of your life here.

You can handle this Anger Problem with just an Attitude Change and by a few checks on your normal behavior patterns. So, lets get started.

Attitude. Is there Someone who is not really putting out? Fine! You know not to depend on them. Start taking over their duties. They won’t mind. Bring other people in. Get them to do the stuff. Again, the lazy people never seem to mind being cut out. What if the Mission still suffers and you and everybody else can’t take up the slack? Well, that isn’t on you. Remember, that you are very important, and you can’t sacrifice yourself to this one blip in a mission here, this one blip in a mission there. It WOULD be a disaster, for you and everybody else, if you lost your temper to such an extent that you got tossed out or demoted. Value yourself. What of the Lazy People? Well, the most important thing is to not verbalize your feelings. They deserve your SILENT contempt. Nobody ever got into trouble for not saying anything. But silence too can speak volumes. Take a look at this – You walk into the Squad Room, and go down the line… Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello… but you walk past the lazy ones as if they weren’t there and get your coffee. Not saying a word is sometimes all you need to say.

But, yes, I know, sometimes Anger Jumps Up Quick. You don’t get much warning, or that is what people think. You DO get warning. The biggest warning is you begin to say Swear Words or you begin Thinking in chains of continuous and unending Swear Words. You think they are just words, but they aren’t – they are extreme words that our Brains hold in reserve for times when we get frustrated and angry. So when you catch yourself thinking with Cuss Words, well, slow down, stop right there. THIS is your warning. This is really the only Anger Management Lesson you need to learn. It is almost Impossible to work yourself up into a Fit if the Words that you are Thinking with stay polite and composed. Next Thing. This is Very Important. NEVER Swear. Yes, you are in the Military. Everyone Swears. Well, except you now. Tell me, have you EVER seen anyone get written up for an Angry Outburst who did not Swear? It’s almost always a prelude to smacking the Lieutenant or throwing the chair through the window – cussing. Even the Regulations that they would site to write you up specify profane language as one of the primary indications of going over the line. But you have to make it a constant habit to watch yourself so you don’t swear. People cuss and swear about little things too. But not you, not anymore. Oh, and you might think it abnormal not to swear once in a while, but, really? I haven’t sworn once in all this I have written, but I bet you didn’t even notice until now, now that I mentioned it.

Start a Dollar Jar. Everytime you cuss, put a dollar in. Oh my god, but you will see very quickly that you have your job cut out for you. We cuss from habit, and so we have to focus on instilling a New Habit, and that is to try not putting all of our Money into that ‘darn’ Dollar Jar. The first week will stuff that dollar jar. But Practice makes Perfect. You will find yourself actually becoming something of a perpetual gentleman. It doesn’t feel bad. No, your friends will not hold it against you. Tell them what you are doing. That not cussing keeps you from smacking the Lieutenant. They’ll all understand.

And that one skill will have more effect on your life then you can imagine, considering it is a relatively simple thing to do, and doesn’t take that long to learn. It will make you a calmer person. Over all and in Everything.

Next time you are in a field exercise, pay attention to what happens when somebody begins to swear. First, they are more or less admitting that Something has gotten the better of them, like admitting that they have already failed, already been beaten. At least it shows they are distracted and lost. This giving in to the Frustration that makes them swear keeps them from thinking of anything Positive. If it was a sport and you were a coach, as soon as some player swears, well, you would know to bench them, because swearing means they’re choking. Psyched out. Played. Maybe next Saturday but not Now.

Well, am I convincing you? You might think that a person would still be Psyched out and Frustrated and feel Beaten even if they weren’t Swearing. Just because they superficially learned and conditioned themselves not to Swear, wouldn’t mean that underneath it all it wouldn’t all still be basically the same. Yes, I know. The same suspicion came to me. BUT, it seems to go deeper than our simple expectations. If in your Head and with your Mouth you don’t swear in frustration and defeat, then for SOME GOD KNOWS WHY REASON, you just keep going. Somehow you DO stay Positive. Instead of the Rising Chain of Cuss Words, you find yourself thinking, ‘Yes, it doesn’t look good… there has to be something I can do now”. You will remain Calm and Focused. The People who swear… are they calm and focused… or do they belong on the bench?

Wow… look at the time… I need to eat some food. Before I go, let me cut and paste you some book recommendations:

Book Recommendations:

All the personal skills required for successful Anger Management, well, they cannot be learned overnight. Of course, you can go to a Therapist, but even I have gone to therapists and the first thing they do is recommend that you read Anger Management self help books. It easy to understand why. If you do some daily reading of anger issue books… making it something of a ritual behavior, then it helps you to always stay aware of your potential problems with anger. Ordinarily we might do some intensive work on ourselves in regards to our anger issues immediately after we have had some serious episode, but then as time passes, we begin to forget that we have a problem, that is, until we explode again. So we need to keep Anger at the forefront of our attention, or at least to the extent that we have some daily reminder for ourselves that we must keep up our guard and maintain all of the good practices that we had learned.

Of course, you could find your own books. Go on line and just buy the ones with reviews that seem to show that the books would appeal to you. But I have a few suggestions of my own. One book I recommend, because I found I had given it a splendid review on that Big On Line Merchandizer’s Website is “Angry All The Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control” by Ronald Potter-Efron (my review is on the 3rd page of the 5 Stars). I had said that it is the one book most likely to bring anybody back ‘from the edge’. Also, check out “Rage” by Ronald Potter-Efron (the same author as the previous book). I think it is the best book on the subject of extreme rage. Then there is a book about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The premise behind cognitive behavior therapy is that when people are angry or depressed because of their negative thinking, well, it makes the most sense to address the problem by addressing the Thinking behind the problem. No, there is no churning up the past and talking about Mother and Childhood – all that is ancient history. The Idea is to simply learn how to turn off the negative thinking, or learn to think of something else instead. It also involves reevaluating your thinking in regards to whether you have been nurturing misconceptions or exaggerating generalizations. Anyway, the name of that book is “Cognitive and Dialectical Therapy Unleashed”, by James Ashley. It’s a good book and very affordable. And finally there is one book that is a bit of a favorite of mine: “Anger Management” by Peter Favaro, in that it seems to be more complete and organized than a lot of the other books.

Anyway, until your books arrive, or you go to the local bookstore and buy some, you should look over these pages. Especially, you should look at some of my posts here. I am relatively new here and so my catalog of posts is not all that extensive, and I have dealt with problems not unlike your own, using the knowledge that I have distilled from all of my reading, and also from my own experiences of dealing with my own anger issues. Good luck, hope to hear from you soon.

Usually people feel angry when they try to control other people, the world or they are too hard on themselves.

shawnnash wrote:Usually people feel angry when they try to control other people, the world or they are too hard on themselves.

Yes, you just described perfectly an idealistic career driven Army Sergeant.

But his job is to control other people. His job is to make his 'world' better -- that is, to achieve Missions. And I never knew a good NCO (that's a Sergeant) who did not set the highest standards for himself... that means being 'hard on themselves'.

These are Givens of who he is. The Trick for him now is to do all of that without getting Angry. that is what this page is here for. Yes, certain conditions lead the Anger Prone Person to Anger. We here train Anger Prone People to no longer respond with Anger to these Conditions.... without running away.

With Army Sergeants, well, its deeply frowned upon them to run away.

Maybe a yoga or medication can help you managing your temper.

EdLee wrote:Maybe a yoga or medication can help you managing your temper.

Medication! for a Sergeant (or Officer) serving in the Armed Forces of who know where. NO! Haven't you read about those Things, besides from Sources well compensated by the Pharmaceutical Industry. Yes, I do not blame you for not having read the previous posts... mostly from me, and at a glance you would think, superficially, that all of that reading would be a waste of your time, and that you should immediately jump in and dispense 'your' wisdom. But is has already been decided that Medication (the Stuff presently on the Market) is not to be recommended. here, this is what I said before:

First thing! Very Important! Don’t get any of those Meds! It would be a huge mistake. I read about them. They slow you down. You tend to put on weight. You lose your sex drive. Then when you are unhappy with them and try to get off them, well, the withdraw symptoms are worse than any drug you can imagine. If you take a drink then your head spins and you fall down… that’s just a beer. In your head there is this noise that happens – skitch, skitch, skitch, skitch. It never stops, and whenever there is a ‘skitch’ you have a feeling that for that fraction of a second you just lost all balance and motor control in your body. Even after ten years off the things, late at night, drifting off to sleep, there will be that ‘skitch’ coming up every once in a while, and you wonder how much it is taking from you. No, don’t do any of those drugs. We are talking about the worst mistake of your life here.

Remember, this guy is a True Professional. I've worked a lot of places -- civilian and Military, and in the civilian World a job is just a job and the most important thing is to just lay loose and not make any waves. THAT is who these Pharmaceutical Drugs (as currently on the Market) are for. People who just want to stay out of trouble.

But Mookaman serves in the Armed Forces, somewhere. He can't let mood altering drugs make him fat lazy and indifferent.

Mr. Edlee, you really have to think about the context of the advice you give on this Page. It's not "One Size Fits All". if the guy writing in was a Corporate CEO or a Senator or a President, with secretaries and all sorts of people delegated to do all of the important work, then, yeah, sure, dope him up so that he doesn't make any embarrassing scenes in public. But when somebody has a real job, and it all depend on him, well, until they come up with better drugs then they have now, it is EXTREMELY counter-indicated.

yes, yoga is a good idea. When I was in the Military, I did yoga. Nothing wrong with that.