Responsibility, frustration and anger

Have you tried looking in the mirror and repeating "I forgive you and I accept you as you are"?

yrgna wrote:Hello everyone

I have just joined this forum because I need help. I'm not angry right now but it seems like I am unable to control anger and I usually end up hurting the people around me - consequently I have pretty poor social skills when it comes to interacting with anyone except family.

I should add that I am a student, I am part of a few societies and have siblings that I feel obliged to educate.
No one is employed in my house so financially we are pretty strained, this inevitably causes me a great deal of frustration as I feel that my father is not fulfilling his responsibilities. I apologise if this is coming across as egocentric but I really need ways to control my anger.

In turn I feel obliged to not be like him, my father that is. I think I am competent at teaching and have worked as a tutor before so I want my younger siblings to get the best education possible.

I am also heavily involved in a society that I hold close to heart and I have taken on a heavy workload. I need to mention that I also am in the process of launching a business and have to study.

I know I am biting off a lot, possibly more than I can chew. But I feel that if I could just stop having these angry outbursts I could do it all, my anger is seriously effecting my relationships and productivity. I am always frustrated and have seen a therapist but maybe I'm too much of an idiot for that to be of any use.

I suppose I need management techniques, I don't want to resort to music or watching something as I feel like I am just running away from my challenges. I have to admit that I am quite aggressive when I am angry and I understand that arrogance + aggression + insecurity are a combination for disaster.

If anyone can yield some advice I would really like to hear from you, if not then at least writing this has helped.

Thanks

Dear Yrgna,
Of course, I would be pleased to jump in and try to help you. I’m already quite fascinated with your Case since you are obviously articulate – we won’t have to worry about you ‘stumbling around trying to find the right words’.

First let me see if I understand some of your basic defining parameters, if we can call them that. I assume you are a young man and not a young woman, because you said you were worried about not being like your father… although, when you think about it, a young woman might also be concerned about perpetuating paternal bad habits, just as some young men could possibly worry about being too much like their mothers shouldn’t be. But, yes, can we clear that up…are you in fact a ‘boy’ or a ‘girl’?

Oh, I’m a bit curious as to your father’s huge character flaws. I do hope you don’t blame him simply for being Out of Work. A great many people all around the World are currently Out of Work. Increasing Unemployment is Structured into the Modern Economy because of the emphasis on Increasing Productivity in order to offset Inflationary Tendencies,,, and the Way to Increase Productivity is by Downsizing on Employment (making fewer Workers do the Same Job) or by simply by replacing Workers with Machines or Automated Process (and Machines and Automated Process become Cheaper and More Capable on a Continuous Basis, while Workers DON’T). So, just being Unemployed is not only something not to be Ashamed Of, but it should Actually Be Expected. Not too far in the Future, the Norm will be to be Unemployed, and only rare and exceptional People will manage to get Jobs, as the Capitalists see money put into Pay Checks as money out of their Own Pockets… they can’t sleep nights trying to figure out how they can manage to Fire Everybody and still ‘Rake In’ all the Wealth. But, back to your Father… perhaps your Father is obnoxious in some way that anybody would find legitimately offensive. It would be interesting to know What You Are Afraid Of, in regards to your Father’s behavior or character. Hmmmm, with my father it was his Smirky Little Self-Superior Laugh that he would make at the end of an argument or after declaring what he thought was some Universal Truth. He wasn’t often Right… flawed logic or mistaken knowledge, so his self-satisfied Smirk would seem completely ridiculous, and even if he were Right, well, it’s never in good taste to Smirk and Gloat. My twin brother picked up the annoying mannerism, but thank heavens I was able to dodge that one.

I found it interesting that you seem only to get Angry with ‘Outside People’ but you say that your Family is an exception. Wow! Usually it is the other way around – that people are ‘triggered’ more by Family, and behave consistently better with People in general. I think much of that dynamic involves the easy reversion to Childhood Patterns of Behavior. However, if you were raised in such a way as to minimize family conflict, then you may simply NOT have any bad Childhood Behavioral Habits to worry about, that is, along as Everybody behaves in the Same Way you would expect your Own Family to behave. But Everybody Else Behaves so Differently. Your very Civilized Family Manners are not the Manners of the Outside World, and apparently you were never able to find a way to Cope with that.

But, let me NOW give you a few great little Techniques that I picked up from the various Anger Management Books. You must know about Adrenaline, don’t you?. It’s the ‘Fight or Flight’ (or Freeze) hormone. Most people who ‘suddenly flip out without warning’ do so under the Influence of an Adrenaline Rush. The way it appears to work is that when a person feels threatened or attacked in some way, whether physically or just by insult or some Social Disappointment or Frustration) Adrenaline is likely to be released into the Blood Stream and Nervous System, however that works. It’s a very Primal Kind of Survival Thing, and so, in the Civilized and Physically Safe World, Adrenaline Rushes mostly cause some Very Inappropriate and ‘Over the Top’ Behavior Responses – it causes us to respond to a simple Social Slight in the same way as if a Bear were to break into our Hut. SO, adrenaline is a problem. BUT it is Not as Instantaneous as many people seem to believe it to be. Yes, Adrenaline Deploys quickly… I think in about 2 to 3 seconds, BUT there is Time to Stop It if one can become Aware of the Very First Sign of an Adrenaline Rush. With me, and I suspect with a great many Other People, the Very First Sign of an Adrenaline Rush is a tightening of the Jaw Muscles or the Clenching of Teeth. It seems that One can simply Catch that Response and then Will the Adrenaline to Shut Down, right on the Spot. I’ve seen it Hundreds of Times. I get plenty of practice. I have 4 Cats, and I love them very much, but Kitties Can Be Naughty at times, and it would tend to make me Angry, BUT when I feel my jaws clench, I just instantly PULL BACK somehow… just Thinking “Stop” is enough to stop it. And Without Adrenaline to ‘Super-Charge’ and Exaggerate your Reactions you would tend to be more controlled and civilized even when you have some valid reason for being annoyed or frustrated.

Also there is the matter people actually Working Themselves Up into an Anger Frenzy. They ‘say’ that their Anger Explosions come suddenly, but if they are truly self- aware, they would know that they were engaged in some very harsh and severe Internal Dialogue. Mostly Internal Dialogue helps us to Think and Plan and to Rehearse for the Future. So Internal Dialogue can be a Good Thing. But if it is characterized mostly by Negativity and Paranoia, well, then Internal Dialogue becomes like a Demon whispering in our ear… not good at all!

But all this Internal Dialogue is so very difficult to Manage because it is so complicated and it’s not always a Bad Thing. So I eventually landed on something like a Key to the Problem. It turns out that Most People who are ‘Prepped’ for Anger by their Internal Dialogue do so by thinking in Terms of Swear Words. Indeed, most Anger Episodes are Heavily Salted with Swear Words, aren’t they? SO, the wisdom here is to Train Yourself NEVER to Use Swear Words… NOT EVEN to use Swear Words in our Thinking. It seems to Follow that if we can Keep out Internal Dialogue Civilized and Proper, then we can keep out Behavior equally Civilized and Proper. Also, just on a Practical Level, even if you are Seething with Anger and in a Complete Rage, as long as you do not Swear, most people will simply think that you are ‘Upset’, or ‘Flustered’. Now, yes, you might think there is a likelihood that one might ‘Pound on Tables’ and ‘Throw Cups’ and that kind of Thing if one is Really Angry, and that That would tip people off to your True Angry Condition. But if you observe Anger Episodes closely, you might notice that ‘Pounding on Tables’ and all such similarly aggressive and hostile Behaviors are used as a Kind of Emphatic Punctuation for their Swear Words. I believe in the History of the World nobody has ever thrown an office chair through a plateglass-window without Cussing at the Same time.

Well, all of THAT was what I think should be a Good Enough Start. What do you think? Did I hit upon anything useful or interesting…?

HI
Yrgna

Their various ways to help yourself dealing with anger is never easy and it a challenge, especially like you said that you had many factors that trigger this anger of yours like your personal feeling about your father, your heavy worked load on your in you school. First, you need to and open your mind that anger in not a solution to anything . Yes, its is human nature to feel anger. But then again anger only causes disarray that is if your interested I can offer some practical tips to control your anger it's like a DIY version of anger management.

1. Lead a healthy lifestyle

Anger has no space in those who lead healthy lifestyles. Even when they face anger flares they know the best way to bring things back to normal. You need to eat balanced diet, get adequate sleep, and frequent time to be happy. This is a good way to shoot down any chances of having negative anger.

to anywhere you go.

2. Often connect with family and friends

If there is a better way to deal with anger then surrounding yourself with people you really care about comes top in that list. Even at the heat of massive animosity you will feel loved and appreciated in the company of family and friends. You need to speak to them and that is all it takes to evade negative tempers.

3. Speak out before your anger reaches a no-turn point

Studies have confirmed that those who speak out before they get angry have a better chance to remain in control. On the other hand those who suck it all the way till they are mad with anger are at odds to normalize the situation. If you feel that something is headed to making you angry it is time you speak about it other than waiting.
4. Be aware of your anger triggers and warning signs

If you know when your body is about to explode in anger; you have a better chance of sitting on top of it. In the rise of anger your body is sending fight and flight’ signs. Understanding the situations that trigger your anger is crucial for you will be able to stay away from them. This is the best time to try anger control techniques. The odds of getting control over your explosion are better when you address the situation right before it happens.

5. Always think first before you speak

In the heat of anger it is easy to say things you never knew you were capable of. As such you should hold on before you speak when you are angry. You could count one-ten before you talk and you will find it effective in dealing with anger.
6. Exercise is good

Pent-up energy can grow within you and you will find it easy to get angry even at the slightest provocation. Exercising can be the key to releasing such energy and instead have space for a sober and understanding mind. Find time for a walk, jog or a run. You should find someone to tag alone and you will find it effective in releasing your anger. If possible do the exercise before your anger catches up for your odds are better to beat it this way.

7. Evaluate your self-worth

Negative anger is a weakness that dents your self-worth. If you real care about who you are then it would not be a problem dealing with bad temper. Look into your qualities and see how great a person you are. By the time you are done with the evaluation your anger will be gone.

8. Know when you need professional assistance

When you have tried all within your power to contain anger and you find it spiraling out of control then it is time you seek professional help. This is not a sign of weakness to go out there and search for assistance. There are good anger management programs that would give you an edge over your anger. A good number of excellent anger therapists are waiting for you to give you a helping hand. This should be the last resort when all other tips have failed.

Getting angry is a normal reaction and sometimes a healthy emotion. But this only remains true if you know how to positively respond to it. Do not let an emotion cloud your mind leading you to act recklessly. You are in full control of your actions and it should not be a problem to bring sobriety in your anger management. At least for now you have 8 easy tips on how to deal with anger.