forbidden relationship

studentofthegame wrote:Therein is the problem as i perceive it; their closeness. This girl has been involved in intimate discussions about our relationship, my ex has trusted her to be the person she confides in.

Ok I get that as a potential concern, their closeness. But I'm still reacting 'so what?', when it comes down to it. It sounds like the girl (you are into) remained somewhat objective, ie a good friend to your ex. I'd ask myself this: If they really are best buddies, wouldnt they want the other to be as happy as they can be?
I dont see a betrayal... you think your ex will think it an act of betrayal (by her friend), is that it?

studentofthegame wrote:Richard - what I'm getting at in particular at this point is the approach I make to the girl i'm into - assuming the conditions we have talked about have been met. she's single, and my ex has given her blessing. However, would asking this girl out for a coffee be the best approach?

This is my point.

There is NO need to discuss. You say you have other goals you pursue. Well go pursue them. Stop wasting time distracting yourself from other goals, considering some hypothetical.

It is like we are discussing going to an island, but you don’t even have a boat yet. You want to discuss once on the island where to set up shelter. Stop! You are just overthinking and wasting time. You have to wait for a boat, if it ever comes. Go do something else while you wait for the boat. By the time the boat comes, the island you wish to visit might have changed or the type of shelter.

IF the girl becomes single THEN come back and start discussing if coffee is the best approach. Until then, go do something else with life.

Agreed richard. This is where i overthink.

n01 - it does feel like a forbidden kind of relationship to me (hence the title of the thread) but if this girl becomes single and is willing to give it a go, then i would be willing too.

It’s a frustrating situation. I’ve felt at times i’m in love with this girl, but then i can’t rule out it’s an infatuation, based on the fact we’ve not dated, and properly got to know each other. Maybe one day things will align, or maybe they won’t.

studentofthegame wrote:there has been some indication from my ex that she wants to revisit the relationship when we are both in a better place

You're not going to get to a better place while convincing yourself you're in love with someone else, who happens to be a close friend of hers. It would be honourable to let your ex know you don't intend to get back to her. As a pay-off, that's something she would probably tell her friend about.

the one true barrier to me pursuing this other girl is that she is in a relationship with someone else.

You haven't mentioned her giving you any indication at all that she's interested in you. I would say that's the real barrier. When women are keen on someone we give off signals. We let them know through body language, not verbally, so no harm done if they're not interested. If you haven't had a clear indication that she fancies you, either she's not interested or she's loyal to her friend. Either way, you're not in the running.

Unless you're in a very isolated area or one almost entirely populated by males, I suggest you shift to new pastures.

candid - good to also hear a female perspective on things. I touched on there being a little bit of a signal there was something there on a couple of occasions, but I am not going to read too much into it.

If someone we fancy doesn't pick up our signals, we give clearer signals. Only two things might stop this.

1) We might subsequently notice a major turn-off. Whew! Thank goodness he didn't realise I was interested.
2) He didn't notice that blatant signal? Well... I don't want to be with someone who's so thick he needs hitting over the head with a house brick before he gets the message..

"A little bit of a signal" could mean there wasn't one, just wishful thinking on your part. The girls really hate it when we're simply being nice/friendly/polite and suddenly the guy's all over us.

I’ve only been in her company for maybe 2 minutes tops when my ex-gf (who is one of her best friends) wasn’t also present with us. I know that i have always sat on my feelings for her whenever i was in her company and probably didn’t give a lot away.

Therefore, i’m not too discouraged by this alone. There have been times i have caught her gaze. There’s one or two other little bits. I wouldn’t let this be an obstacle to asking her to come out for a drink with me.

Going out for a drink is a good idea. Nothing wrong with an invitation that says "I like you". If she accepts, just hold back on the "I'm in love with you" bit.