Hi, I am wondering whether what I've been going through is messianic delusions or maybe something else. I'm a 23 year old guy who is fairly smart, but also very melancholic and curious about the world.
For the past months I've had a recurring belief that I was a Messiah figure. I was in the process of becoming more religious, and then at one point this belief occurred to me and stuck, it wasn't something that came from my own desire, but rather it felt the world had given me this task by setting my mind upon a certain path. I managed to get convinced that I was at the center of a massive cosmic conspiracy involving Christ, aliens, the secret government and mushrooms biology.
At first I was happy - it sounds like a good role. But then I didn't want to have to deal with all of the pressure involved in becoming better and better and saving the world, I'm just a young introverted man in his early twenties who has too much curiosity for his own good.
During this period, I looked at various events in my past and present and saw them as evidence that I'm the Messiah. But other events and facts of my life don't match with that idea - eventually this conflict in my mind became so intense that it made me increasingly flustered in my mind and I felt my mental coherence disappear and compulsive thoughts started emerging instead, so now I'm trying to suppress these Messianic thoughts, but the feeling is still in the back of my mind and I feel like others are observing me.
I often have what I feel are divinely-inspired intuitions to do things and write certain things and recently I was compelled to proclaim myself to be Son of God on an online forum, which I now regret that I did, because I feel like I've should kept these thoughts to myself.
The things that I've discovered online made me believe that I could influence world events and had the recipe for salvation, but unfortunately it involves one of the most feared ideologies in the world, namely National Socialism and when I told people about this on my usual hang-around forum they became scared, but many actually believed I had prophetic insight.
I'm scared to talk about this with other people, because they seem to politely deny it and it would certainly damage social relations.
Does anyone know what this it? Has anyone else experienced it?