For the past few years, I've had a really rough time at the two jobs I've had. I have had to leave both because they were making so miserable and anxious. I tended to make a lot of mistakes, especially at the start of both jobs, as I find it hard to get to grips with a job straight away - perhaps more so than other people. I found that criticism from managers was unbearable to take and it has gradually chipped away at my self-worth.
I spent about half of last year applying for jobs (in between the two jobs I had), but I had no luck despite getting interviews for over ten companies. For a couple of those interviews, I was so anxious that I cancelled last minute, because I didn't feel good enough or smart enough to do those jobs.
Finally I got a job unrelated to my chosen career and was elated. At last somebody wanted me! As it turns out, that was the worst job I could have gone for. I was overworked to the point where I felt I couldn't even eat my lunch or take a break during the day, because I had to get this and that done on time. I was criticised about not working fast enough less than a week after being there. My mistakes were constantly picked apart, despite being given about a morning's worth of training before being thrown in at the deep end. I couldn't cope. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I lost a stone in weight and every morning I just wanted to die. I was just as miserable as I was when I ended my previous job, which also gave me severe depression because my manager picked on me and made me feel like everything I did wasn't good enough.
It's got to the point now where I'm so afraid of working somewhere else like that, that I'm not even applying for jobs. I'm surviving on my savings, which are quickly dwindling... but every time I go to apply for a job, I get panicky and shut down. I avoid it at all costs. It's not that I don't WANT to work. I want to contribute to society and have a solid income. But I'm absolutely terrified of working somewhere that will once again make me want to kill myself every minute of the day.
I've decided freelancing from home would be ideal for me, because I enjoy working alone without managerial pressure, but it's going to take a while for me to establish myself as a freelancer. I need a job NOW, but I keep putting it off. I've gone from applying to 4 or 5 jobs every day to maybe 2 or 3 in a week. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to therapy, but it's not pulled me out of this slump yet.
How do I get the motivation back before it's too late?