Voyager989 wrote:Yes, I was getting closer and closer to the point of no return... I think I started moving away now.
I don't know if I will be ever able to totally get rid of the DESTROYER part of me. Maybe I just need to find a socially acceptable way where I would be able to express that part. Even thought after I destroy something I feel bad, I still know that in some way I enjoy breaking stuff.
Leo, can you tell me what is your story behind the anger, I am interested to hear it...
Yes, Voyager, I suppose that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has a way to deal with obsessions that are somehow "carved in stone" deep inside. One of the strangest Posts that I ever encountered here on the Forum was in regards to a person who was obsessed with killing. Killing!? That made me put on my thinking cap. I forgot what my advice was there. But the person was able to find a solution his or her self by getting a job at a slaughter house, specifically applying for only job placements that involved turning animals from living to dead. I suppose the Human Relations People might have been spooked by him or her, but they do have a problem retaining employees in those murderous job positions and they saw the plus in having a highly motivated employee in such a slot.
But if you think you simply LIKE smashing things and you are sort of just creating angry episodes to provide opportuntities, well, I wonder whether you live in an Urban or a Rural setting. If you are Rural then you should take up shooting. No, not paper targets. If you like explosions than bottle or jugs filled with water will explode and that is always fun to watch. Even just 22 caliber gun can seem fairly destructive if you cover the face of a large rock with tin foil, because as the bullets strike the rock and the soft lead explodes it blasts out a section of the foil which looks cool, and you can see yourself hitting the target from some distance away, which you can't do with paper (with paper how the heck do you know you are even hitting it until you are done). Oh, that reminds me. there are Metallic Ranges where the targets are suspended steel plates and when you hit them they go "ding" and they swing back and forth. One time I was at a metallic range and the target at 200 meters has sort of 'walked' over a depression in the ground and so the frame stood at a slight tilt. Well, my preferred way to reload my own ammo was to use a very long and heavy round, and then a very slow burning powder, where the large round would offer resistance in terms of both weight and friction, and the slow powder would not create excess pressure but would certainly keep burning to maintain positive pressure until the bullet got out the barrel. My velocities were not high but the rounds 'grouped' well (went where I aimed them) and because of the slow and gradual build up of speed of the bullet the gun's 'kick' was not at all bad. but the Bullets were heavy and relatively slow and so at long range I needed to keep my eye on my Ballistic Charts... at 600 meters I had to set my aiming point 12 feet over the target. The scorers would hear my bang and then say "miss" and I would have to tell them "Wait for it" (they would say "Miss" at the same time as we saw the plate swing and the ding would come back to us. Well, the point of my story was that one time in competition that 200 meter Target Frame has on it's slight tilt and my heavy round dinged the plate and sent it swinging with such force that this large steel frame fell over, like I "killed it". Everybody looked over. My rifle wasn't any big bore chambered for 'magnum' rounds, so I held up one of my bullets and they could see the length of it standing up out of the brass. "oh".
A lot of people will use ballistic powders (the kind I used for reloading) to create explosives and certainly if you like smashing things then blowing things up would be a rush for you, BUT, give up drinking. If you ever get into bomb making you don't want to ever make your first mistake. Heck, if I ever take a drink before making dinner (extremely rarely) I won't touch a kitchen knife (I used to be a Musician and so I got into the habit of never risking my fingers with knives). Also you don't want to get caught with "Bomb Making Materials". When I would reload my own ammo, I had brass presses, and boxes of bullets, and I only bought the powder a can at a time (you don't want a lot of it in your house in case there is a fire, and I stored mine sealed in plastic and kept in a bucket of water to isolate it from possible flame). But, yeah, bomb making was always that bridge too far with me. Even guns can bite you. Some reloaders don't pay enough attention to the ballistic manuals, and how to pair which size and weight of bullet to what particular speed and grade of powder. If those pressures get high enough the barrel will rupture or the bolt's lugs break off and the action of the gun will fly back in your face (another reason I liked loading for SLOW instead of FAST. I knew one guy who bought a 44 Magnum "Dirty Harry" handgun and he did "HOT" reloads for it. Nobody in their right minds would go out shooting with him because nobody wanted to be close by when that thing exploded. He got lucky. the Frame of the gun broke but left his hand intact and nothing hit his face.
Oh! there is another hobby you might like RC Airplanes. You can build these scaled down replicas of real historic airplanes and you can fly them using remote control. INEVITABLY they crash and all that time you spent in construction, well, it's all tangled fabric and splinters. But perhaps you would like that.
But isn't nearly all of your destructiveness wedded to the ritualization of Anger? The FORM you follow is that you get mad and you smash something. It's the little dance you do. Could you be happy destroying stuff if you skipped the step of appearing to go out of control?
Yeah, I would still read the self help books. Not necessarily Beck or Ellis. As I said, Ronald Potter Efron is my favorite Anger Management guy and while he's published Psychology Text Books (he looks at anger in regards to Domestic Violence... it seems he is fighting the School of thought that Men only beat their wives because they are calmly and coolly asserting their Patriarchal Authority with calculated violence. His position is that most of domestic violence the product of anger and lack of impulse control, and that Politics has very little to do with it. But, yes, even Ronald Potter-Efrons scholastic textbooks can be a bit dry. His Self Help stuff is good.