Hallo,
I can’t express how much it would mean to me if you took your time to read the long text I am about to write and share your opinion on it. I am going to be completely, brutally honest and most likely sound disgusting since I really want to share the specific, horrific thoughts that won’t leave me breathe for a day. I say “the thoughts” not “my thoughts” since I really hope it to be my OCD and not some other issue which I couldn’t handle.
Before you start reading, consider stopping here if the topic pedophilia/rape/child abuse/religion/hypochondria triggers you.
I am female and 20 years old. I wasn’t diognised with OCD by a professional, but due to my research I do believe the core of all my mental problems is OCD. Now, my issues aren’t the ‘typical’ OCD like washing your hands extremely often (which is awful as well) but I am more of a victim of intrusive thoughts. I am going to begin with the first memories of my strange behavoir.
When I was little I always had inappropriate thoughts. My very religous mother taught me to never swear (like “I swear I am not lying!”) because if I could not keep the promise, it would be a sin. It all started then, I believe. I started swearing about things in my head, such like “I swear I will touch this piece of paper NOW or everyone will die.” I didn’t really suffer from these thoughts yet, they were just annoying and took alot of time. When I was little, I was very religous. My biggest fear was to sin. I started mastrubation at a very young age, maybe about 4. I would always hump a pillow or something like that. Subsequently, I would feel very guilty about it and tell it to my mother and she always said it is a sin, but if I prayed for forgiveness, God would forgive me. One day I was mastrubating (or whatever you call it at this age) and the bible was next to me. The thoughts of doing horrible things wouldn’t leave my mind, although it terrified me. I ended up saying that I want to have sex with the devil, in my mind, and kiss the bible while doing inappropriate things. I ended up almost hating myself. I felt guilty but the more absurd and inappropriate a thought was, the more I was ‘turned on’ by it. I know it sounds very, very weird at a young age. But I was very sexual with myself since I can remember. Of course, I would always feel guilty about it, but I would blame the demons for it. That is why I could live past it without really hating myself, because I believed it was a demon who posessed me for a moment when doing such things. It wasn’t me. But the fear was always there. My mother always made me kiss the iconic figures after we prayed and I was always afraid of thinking of it sexually. Same was when going to church etc.
After I turned a little bit older my best friend who I knew since I was born and I started taking “barbie sex” to the next level. We started playing husband and wife, and did some…”weird things”, but it felt good. We did it every time we saw each other. I don’t think it is wrong for kids to explore and such, but I am saying this for an other reason, which I will state later.
Then I moved away from my country and I don’t really remember having any such problems until recently. It all started with the death of my grandmother. I started obsessing with being sick. I thought I had lung cancer, brain tumor, MS, anything you can think of (seriously). I thought it was hypochondria but now I think it is a part of my OCD. I had several heavy panic attacks, leading me to call the ambulance. It lasted for a year and stopped for 4 months but came back again. Currently it’s not as bad since I have an other heavy obsession which is the final proof that I need to talk with someone.
Everything started with a movie. It was about a child being sexually abused. Because of this movie I looked up ‘pedophilia’ on the internet and found some weird articles about how pedophiles seduce little chilren etc. I found it horrible and very sad. But a weird tingling down there happened (the article was graphic and I am still shocked how such real life stories are allowed to be published and so easily found when merely googling a mental disorder). Since then it was a 50% thing for me. I thought there was a chance that I am a pedophile, that I am sexually attracted to children. What else would explain the weird tingling down there? Of course, it was a stupid thought. It was a stupid thought because I know that my OCD makes me aroused by things that I hate most in this world. It is a mistake of my brain, it doesn’t mean I am a pedophile. Why? Because I have been in love and sexually attracted to many many many boys of my age and older. I have had sex with men of my age and older.
But then a thought struck me. I know normal people hate this one, but as I said, I am going to be brutally honest. I have been watching animations (shota,loli) which can be perceived as pedophile. There arelittle girls and little boys in it and I have been watching these since years. I liked them. I am not going to lie. They were always good ‘fap’ material but I never thought of it as being pedophile or morally wrong since they didn’t look like children to me (better said they actually did but I just never thought of it this way). But after this thought invaded my head, I wouldn’t stop thinking about how these cartoons actually ARE pedophile (because they portray people under the age of 13 sexually) and how and why I never realised that. I started thinking I actually am sexually attracted to young children, that would also explain why I alomost never had any fun having sex(I often cry and find it kinda disgusting). My heart is breaking while I am writing this. I once (after that thought of being pedophile came) mastrubated while imagining me and my friend when we were kids doing the same things we did before. I also liked it. I have seen some 12 year old girls and girls with small breasts who I find attractive (mostly whose body structure looks like my friend’s back then) on TV, but I never found a child attractive when looking at it in real life. I always feel the urge to make them happy or to cuddle them or to protect them but never anything else. I have never in my whole life had a single sexual thought about a child, EVER(until my thoughts of being a pedophile came). Also an other explaination (or excuse, in case I actually am a pedophile, which I am questioning) that I find sex disgusting because I was raped by my first boyfriend. I told him I didn’t want him to put it in because we had no condoms but he did it anyway and I told him to stop it several times but he didn’t until I slapped him. He also used me as a ‘sex toy’, he would break up with me after every night we slept together and come back to me when he was horny again. That is my alternative explaination why I feel so extremely guilty and dirty and disgusted when having sex…
My biggest fear is not that I would molest children. I know even if I was a pedophile, I wouldn’t. I would rather kill myself or be tortured all my life. But that’s not the problem. I am scared that if I did happen to see child porn (which I never want to, of course) I would also be aroused by it. I am not scared of being a monster (since I am educated enough to know that pedophiles who don’t offend are not bad people, it is a mental disorder) but I am just scared of being sexually attracted to something I cherish. That would mean I can’t ever be around children ever again. I don’t want this. I want it to be POCD. I want confirmation. I don’t want it to be real but the monster in my head convinces me otherwise.
I don’t know if I am a pedophile or if my brain tells me to be very aroused by things that I actually hate. Please tell me your opinion. Please be honest. Pedophiles (non-offending, of course) are welcome to answer as well.
OCD, POCD. Horrible Thoughts.
3 posts
• Page 1 of 1
by pieter » Thu Apr 02, 2015 9:42 pm
I've read it, and you don't come across as horrible to me at all. I also don't think you are a pedophile. It could be that it's OCD.
Now I can imagine that this one "my brain tells me to be very aroused by things that I actually hate", is actually "your brain tells you to be intrigued by things you know are forbidden", and that is something I don't think is weird at all if you grow up with parents who are so obsessed with sin. After all, by focusing so much on it, they already make it out to be a big and important thing, and then it's just natural for you to be intrigued by it.
Now I can imagine that this one "my brain tells me to be very aroused by things that I actually hate", is actually "your brain tells you to be intrigued by things you know are forbidden", and that is something I don't think is weird at all if you grow up with parents who are so obsessed with sin. After all, by focusing so much on it, they already make it out to be a big and important thing, and then it's just natural for you to be intrigued by it.
by healing4all123 » Sun Aug 06, 2017 10:33 pm
Hello all,
I am posting a response in hopes that it will help anyone who reads it. I presume you have come to this forum today because you are struggling with POCD. POCD, as I am sure you know, is an embarrassing form of OCD, that I too have suffered from for the past 4-5 years or so. However, I am healing, learning and growing from this mental predicament, and I know that you can do.
First off, please know that you are not stuck. In fact, you are only as stuck as you believe yourself to be, and I promise- beliefs can change. Think back-- I know there was a time in your life that you can recall, a time before you ever even had your first embarrassing POCD anxious thought. There was a time when POCD wasn't a dominating anxiety in your life, or even a concern at all for you, and it can be like that again for you.
I could go into a long soliloquy of my story, and how I believe I came to POCD in my brain- but I will save those lengthy details, because the fact is, I am realizing that the details aren't as important as our brains make themselves to be, and at a certain point, they can become a hindrance to our growth and healing from POCD, OCD in general, or really any destructive mental pattern.
I have spent a lot of time trying to link my POCD to issues from my childhood, replaying memories, trying to make connections and analysis, asking myself- WHY, WHY, and more WHY, did this embarassing theme of anxiety become the one that stuck in my life? An anxiety that I feel hesitant sharing with friends and family and those closest to me, for fear that they will misunderstand, and harshly judge me.
The fact is, my friends, that every human being has neurotic thoughts, whether they'd like to admit this or not. Perhaps they just don't even sit still with themselves long enough to notice these thoughts, or to recognize that the thoughts they are having are dysfunctional and neurotic. Yes, this particular form of neurotic thoughts, namely, POCD, is particularly isolating because there is such a stigma and taboo around this anxiety. Regardless, the fact remains that unproductive, dysfunctional and neurotic thought processes / anxiety are present in pretty much every individual alive. This has a lot to do with evolution, and the way our brains have evolved to constantly scan our environment for threats, and then "problem solve" to protect ourselves. Now, we don't have the lion in the jungle to serve as our problem to prevent, yet our more primitive evolutionary processes are still looking for threats to thwart and problems to tackle. I am sure you all know this.
Here are some recognitions that need to be had to start healing from POCD:
1.) YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are others out there like you, who suffer from the same anxiety, and everyone around you, is suffering to some degree from some form of anxiety or dysfunction. Yours just happened to manifest like this.
2. After a certain point, stop asking WHY, and start asking HOW. There is only so much that digging up of the past, or tracing your family origins, or replaying traumatic memories, or learning about reincarnation and inherited trauma is going to do for you. After a certain amount of time doing this, you'll start to see that asking why does not progress you forward to new and innovative ways of functioning in this world. HOW can you develop new ways of accepting yourself, exactly as you are, neurotic thoughts and all? HOW can you accept your limitations over your mind, which often just does as it damn well pleases?
3.) Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance, is key in life-- as well as a healthy dose of surrender. The fact is, we are always going to have both darkness in light present inside of it. The key is not to eradicate the darkness, but accept it, and focus on the light.
4.) If you feel ready, talk to a qualified mental health professional, who you can trust will understand what you're going through. Talking through the embarrassment, shame, and anguish with another human being who is there to provide compassionate acceptance really helps to relieve a lot of it.
5.) Everyone and everything deserves compassion- even the darkest and most harmful members of our society. I know this may be hard to read, but it also may provide some relief to you. And when you see this, you can also learn to accept and give compassion to the embarrassing, seemingly dark and ugly thoughts / impulses that arise in you.
6.) It's your actions that count, not your thoughts. Yes you may have an unbecoming thought come up. You may think about an ugly, thing. But did you do it? No.
7.) You can handle more than you think. Anxiety and OCD is based primarily in the anxious belief that if X, Y, or Z happened, it would be so painfully unbearable, that we couldn't take it. The fact is, everything you can think of has been said, done, thought, and felt before in the grand scheme of humanity, and others have been able to bear it, deal with it, learn from it, grow from it, heal from it. Even victims of unpleasant things in life, often grow and learn from this very strife.
8.) Whenever you feel especially hopeless, isolated, lost, terrified, depressed-- remember me. I am someone out there in the world that feels compassion for you, that feels love for you, that understands what you're going through, and can relate to you, and there are many more like me. I believe you can and are healing from this, because everyone has the potential to heal and grow from anything. Think of me, and remember that you can get through this, and you are loved- NO MATTER WHAT.
I am posting a response in hopes that it will help anyone who reads it. I presume you have come to this forum today because you are struggling with POCD. POCD, as I am sure you know, is an embarrassing form of OCD, that I too have suffered from for the past 4-5 years or so. However, I am healing, learning and growing from this mental predicament, and I know that you can do.
First off, please know that you are not stuck. In fact, you are only as stuck as you believe yourself to be, and I promise- beliefs can change. Think back-- I know there was a time in your life that you can recall, a time before you ever even had your first embarrassing POCD anxious thought. There was a time when POCD wasn't a dominating anxiety in your life, or even a concern at all for you, and it can be like that again for you.
I could go into a long soliloquy of my story, and how I believe I came to POCD in my brain- but I will save those lengthy details, because the fact is, I am realizing that the details aren't as important as our brains make themselves to be, and at a certain point, they can become a hindrance to our growth and healing from POCD, OCD in general, or really any destructive mental pattern.
I have spent a lot of time trying to link my POCD to issues from my childhood, replaying memories, trying to make connections and analysis, asking myself- WHY, WHY, and more WHY, did this embarassing theme of anxiety become the one that stuck in my life? An anxiety that I feel hesitant sharing with friends and family and those closest to me, for fear that they will misunderstand, and harshly judge me.
The fact is, my friends, that every human being has neurotic thoughts, whether they'd like to admit this or not. Perhaps they just don't even sit still with themselves long enough to notice these thoughts, or to recognize that the thoughts they are having are dysfunctional and neurotic. Yes, this particular form of neurotic thoughts, namely, POCD, is particularly isolating because there is such a stigma and taboo around this anxiety. Regardless, the fact remains that unproductive, dysfunctional and neurotic thought processes / anxiety are present in pretty much every individual alive. This has a lot to do with evolution, and the way our brains have evolved to constantly scan our environment for threats, and then "problem solve" to protect ourselves. Now, we don't have the lion in the jungle to serve as our problem to prevent, yet our more primitive evolutionary processes are still looking for threats to thwart and problems to tackle. I am sure you all know this.
Here are some recognitions that need to be had to start healing from POCD:
1.) YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are others out there like you, who suffer from the same anxiety, and everyone around you, is suffering to some degree from some form of anxiety or dysfunction. Yours just happened to manifest like this.
2. After a certain point, stop asking WHY, and start asking HOW. There is only so much that digging up of the past, or tracing your family origins, or replaying traumatic memories, or learning about reincarnation and inherited trauma is going to do for you. After a certain amount of time doing this, you'll start to see that asking why does not progress you forward to new and innovative ways of functioning in this world. HOW can you develop new ways of accepting yourself, exactly as you are, neurotic thoughts and all? HOW can you accept your limitations over your mind, which often just does as it damn well pleases?
3.) Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance, is key in life-- as well as a healthy dose of surrender. The fact is, we are always going to have both darkness in light present inside of it. The key is not to eradicate the darkness, but accept it, and focus on the light.
4.) If you feel ready, talk to a qualified mental health professional, who you can trust will understand what you're going through. Talking through the embarrassment, shame, and anguish with another human being who is there to provide compassionate acceptance really helps to relieve a lot of it.
5.) Everyone and everything deserves compassion- even the darkest and most harmful members of our society. I know this may be hard to read, but it also may provide some relief to you. And when you see this, you can also learn to accept and give compassion to the embarrassing, seemingly dark and ugly thoughts / impulses that arise in you.
6.) It's your actions that count, not your thoughts. Yes you may have an unbecoming thought come up. You may think about an ugly, thing. But did you do it? No.
7.) You can handle more than you think. Anxiety and OCD is based primarily in the anxious belief that if X, Y, or Z happened, it would be so painfully unbearable, that we couldn't take it. The fact is, everything you can think of has been said, done, thought, and felt before in the grand scheme of humanity, and others have been able to bear it, deal with it, learn from it, grow from it, heal from it. Even victims of unpleasant things in life, often grow and learn from this very strife.
8.) Whenever you feel especially hopeless, isolated, lost, terrified, depressed-- remember me. I am someone out there in the world that feels compassion for you, that feels love for you, that understands what you're going through, and can relate to you, and there are many more like me. I believe you can and are healing from this, because everyone has the potential to heal and grow from anything. Think of me, and remember that you can get through this, and you are loved- NO MATTER WHAT.
- healing4all123
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