How to overcome anger caused by provocation or harassment?

Carla2016 wrote: I have always had problems keeping a job.

Why?

Carla2016 wrote:Hi Richard,
This is due to bad luck and racism. I often hear: "We cannot extend your contract", "This role wont exist anymore"."Mr, Mrs X or Y does not like you" i.e they feel threatened..."She does not fit", "she is aggressive with hypocrites..."
I am also not careful at work: I have initiatives, I am motivated, I work well, I am honest, competent and this generates jealousy. I am the opposite of the perfect employee, employees who understands the system, just waiting for their salary at the end of the month...

Let us begin with the above from a previous thread you posted about the exact same topic. You have not just lost this job, you have lost multiple jobs and you always blame someone else. You even state, "I am the opposite of the perfect employee."

Really? You are the opposite of a perfect employee, but can't figure out why you continue to lose jobs.

The way you overcome your anger, is you accept responsibility and begin to focus on you. You are clicking on her profile everyday, when you should be spending that time figuring out how you can improve. It is your beliefs that have you trapped in this unproductive cycle. You struggle to face that you are the common denominator in the equation.

Dear Carla,

I can sympathize with your Career Problems. Indeed, there are Millions of People who could sympathize with your Career Problems, since the Same Dynamic that destroyed your Career has destroyed countless other people’s. You see, the Core Problem we are dealing with sources from a kind of Paradox between what the ‘Business World’ “Says” it wants and what It actually expects from people on the Job. For instance, in Job Interviews people are supposed to present themselves as hard-driven Self-Starters Full of Initiative and willing to take on Responsibilities. But it is just Such People who often Cross the Lines and Step on the Boss’s Toes – the Same Boss that hired them in the first place, for all those ‘Go-Getting’ Qualities, finds it annoying that the Employee doesn’t just sit and wait in his Cubicle for ‘instructions’.

And the Problem gets worse for the Employee as Time goes on. Such Employees actually Really do DO a Good Job, and so they feel Pride in what they Do… they take a kind of Ownership in regards to their Jobs, and they become Defensive and Territorial. From the Viewpoint of the Boss, though, well, the ONLY Person that is REALLY Responsible for Anything is the Boss Himself, and so the Boss frankly resents the Employee’s Pride and Assertiveness as an Encroachment upon his Managerial Territory.

Oh, and there is also this One Particular Phenomena in Practical Business Management which must be terribly Non-Productive and even Destructive to the entire Global Economy, but it is nearly Universal, and THAT is that Middle Level Managers will intentionally ‘Engineer’ the Dismissal or Firing of an Employee that ‘Seems’ talented enough catch the ‘Eye’ of Upper Management and thereby get Promoted over the poor little Middle Manager’s Head. Yes, it happens all the time – really Good People are fired for being a Career Threat to their Immediate Supervisors. Of course, that can’t be the ‘stated’ purpose for a dismissal, but, once an Employee is Targeted in That Way, well, his or her Life can be make inordinately Stressful and Miserable until the Employee Snaps or simply quits.

So, yes, while it is Nice to Say all of those Wonderfully Ambitious Things during the Job Interview, if One has any Worldly Wisdom at all, and can appreciate that His or Her Life is NOT the Job, well the Best Course for Keeping a Job is to well, Get Along with Everybody. Be Easy Going. Don’t Push. Especially don’t ever Push the Boss. Ultimately the Boss is Right about it ALL being His (or) or Her Responsibility. Frankly, Employees shouldn’t really care What Happens – it is the Boss’s Job to worry about all that Stuff, and the Employee only has to Do what he is Told and to be able to ‘Cover His A__’, as they quaintly say in English.

Anyway, that Miserable Nightmare of a Job wasn’t Really your Dream Job, was it? Yes, maybe that was the Job you had always hoped for, when you were little and growing up, but one must take the Context of the Job into consideration – primarily the People. The People made your Life miserable, didn’t they? You are certainly much better off without such a Job… as long as you can find other gainful employment.

Oh, in your next Job, try not to repeat all of your same ‘mistakes’. I know You will be Good for a while. Everyone is Always Good for a while. It takes some Time to get a Sense of Ownership and Territoriality about your Job Responsibilities, but as soon as That starts to happen then you will begin ‘pushing’ and ‘lecturing’ the other Workers… even the Boss. It will get you Fired again.

So IS ever getting a Good Fulfilling Job where you can have Pride in the Responsibility you take… is all of that some Hopeless Dream? Well, yes! Unless you can be hired in to run a complete Department Yourself… the Truth is that if you want your Job to be Important ‘Personally’ in your Life, you need to either be the Boss… or some People start their Own Businesses for no other reason than so that they can be their Own Boss. But, even There, there are no Guarantees. Even the Department Managers are somewhat Middle Level and they must catch ‘Office Politics’ from Above. And Business Owners and Entrepreneurs, well, the truth is that More Businesses Fail than Succeed.

It’s a Jungle Out There.

So you must take your Employment in Perspective. You know, In Ancient Times, only Slaves did such Work. And, Yes, none of us are Slaves today, Technically Speaking, BUT, is anybody really Free NOT to work. Yes it is true that nobody Whips us. But if we Don’t Work, well, we Don’t Eat. Basically Everybody is Working out of Compulsion and Duress. Taken in THAT Context, well, it becomes actually Silly to ‘Love’ your Job or to Enjoy your Work. Any Proud Animal would Resent having to Jump through Hoops to get Its Dinners.

Someday Historians will look back upon our Era… our Times… and declare that most of Humanity was consigned to Wage-Slavery, and they will wonder how we were all willing and able to swallow such indignation and humiliation.

Anyway, you need to Eat, so find a New Job, and this time, make it your Work Priority to Keep the Job. Don’t ‘rock the boat’. Don’t ‘make any waves’. Keep your head down. But remember “to Get Along you have to Go Along”. Pretend to be everybody’s Friend. Take Everybody’s Side in any Arguments… never be Against Anybody.

And If you want to be Proud of Something, well, as they say – “Get a Life”. Find a Creative Hobby. I got Fired from My Job! And I Hated that Job! So I was frankly glad. But suddenly I had a lot of Time on my Hands. So I decided to prepare myself for a Second Career. I study Math all day long, and in the Evenings I Practice Music… I Play ‘By Ear’, and over the years I have gotten pretty good on more than a few Instruments. That is what Having a Life is.

Anyway, Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

God bless U Leo, you understood everything. I just want to be a "good player" like others. unfortunately, I have no expertise to build up my own biz. Thanks Leo!

Carla2016 wrote:God bless U Leo, you understood everything. I just want to be a "good player" like others. unfortunately, I have no expertise to build up my own biz. Thanks Leo!

Carla2016,

Leo just provided an in depth explanation of why you continue to lose your job. Leo just explained that you are the problem. Leo just explained that if you want to keep a job, if you want to not be fired or placed in a position where you are forced to quit, YOU need to adopt a different mindset.

When I read what Leo wrote, I thought it was a great example of your current mindset, the way you currently think. How is that working out for you? Not so much. It isn't working. You keep getting fired and then you blame others. That is the outcome of the mindset described by Leo. The fact you connect, that you align yourself with this mindset is exactly the issue, it is exactly why you are frustrated and angry.

It is absolutely fine for you to continue with this mindset, but don't be angry at others when you get fired, don't be frustrated with others because the world doesn't work the way you want it to work.

Rich' you are confusing me really. You don't understand Leo. Others hurt me and that is the reality. Please continue to live on cloud cuckoo land where all companies/employees/managers are angels...Good night!

Carla2016 wrote:Rich' you are confusing me really. You don't understand Leo. Others hurt me and that is the reality. Please continue to live on cloud cuckoo land where all companies/employees/managers are angels...Good night!

Carla,

I fully understand Leo. I agree with Leo. Here is the advice Leo provided....

"if One has any Worldly Wisdom at all, and can appreciate that His or Her Life is NOT the Job, well the Best Course for Keeping a Job is to well, Get Along with Everybody. Be Easy Going. Don’t Push."

"Oh, in your next Job, try not to repeat all of your same ‘mistakes’."

Or, Leo has advised you to become your own boss.

Do you not see that Leo has given you some great advice? Do you believe you don't have any worldly wisdom at all? Do you plan to repeat your mistakes?

You may want to believe I am living in cloud cuckoo land, but in my cuckoo land I don't get fired and I make a great living. Cuckoo land is working out pretty well for me. How is your land of being fired repeatedly working out for you? How is the land of anger and frustration?

You selectively listened to Leo. You ignore his advice...if you want to keep your job, don't repeat the same mistakes.

I'm truly fascinated. Great responses, from both of you!

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
You selectively listened to Leo. You ignore his advice...if you want to keep your job, don't repeat the same mistakes.

Dear Richard,

Maybe we can see this Particular Dynamic as the Original Poster 'lapping up' the 'Sugar Coating' but trying to ignore the "Medicine" inside. But I think a good portion of Clara's Mind has already soaked in that Advice, and it will eventually 'Kick In" for some kind of Relevance.

You know, in my Long Lifetime I must have Ignored dozens of really Good and Sound pieces of Advice, but I have been blessed with a Wonderful Memory in regards to Things Like that, and so 'Dozens of Times' I have found myself In Trouble or somehow Down and Out, only the Remember the Advice that could have prevented the Problem if only I had listened to It at the time. Of course, once I know the Wisdom of Such Advice -- on both a personal and practical basis, it is no longer quite so easy to ignore it.

So, I do think Carla will come along okay. In her Next Job she will be much more aware of the Total Context Involved in Keeping the Job. It is Much More than just Performing Assigned Tasks in an Exemplary Way. As much as people HATE to Say So... or Think So... Office Politics may actually be More Important than actual Job Performance in maintaining Employment. No matter How Good You Do a Task, the Boss is likely to believe that ANYBODY could have done just as well.... Bosses Lose Touch with any kind of Practical Knowledge of the Work they expect from their Employees... even if they used to do the Same Job themselves ... Bosses tend to Idealize Their Own Work History, and forget all their past mistakes and half-stepping, and remember themselves as having been Paragons of Perfection. So, Nothing You Can Do can ever really impress a Boss. So if anybody really wants to Stand Out at Work, it has got to be on the Side of Office Politics. It is Sad.... it is Unfortunate.... but it is True.

You are right about "office politics"!
The funny thing about my career is that I have had great references, bonuses, promotions...and yet I often lose jobs. I am suffering now. I miss speaking & laughing with customers, colleagues, managers. Today, silence is my friend. Boy, they hurt me!
I found the phone number of the manager who triggered my resignation: I want to confront him now, I cannot heal.
By the way, no-one wants to employ me now because of my resignation. I always say to myself "this time, I will keep my job"...but I just fail. Rgds, Carla

You know, sometimes I admire a friend of mine who has been 10 yrs unemployed, getting job and housing benefits.
He's had enough of trying and failing to keep a job as a project manager. I have just wasted 16 yrs of my life, I am so scared of the next company, the next blow! I am not a strong person like most employees are, I am a slow learner too

Carla!
It is so good to hear from you. I thought you had gone. If I knew you were still reading from the sidelines, I wouldn’t have spoken about you in the 3rd Person… that is So Rude! Please forgive me.

Oh, and you should be Friends with Richard. He must care about your Situation very much – for you he writes with Energy and Emotion. With most everyone else he mostly just gives a very correct but very short and dry response. You should feel honored that he is going so far out of his usual way for you.

Now, I can freely admit that I can Empathize with you so well only because our Employment History happens to be almost exactly the same! Drawers full of Commendations, Awards, Letters of Appreciation, Stubs from Bonus Checks, Employee of the Week, Month, Year… you Name It, I Got It. AND I got Fired A Lot. I could hang one Wall with Awards and the Next Wall with Pick Slips! So OF COURSE I would Understand… I would be a Liar if I said I didn’t!
But Richard is presently Working. His Supervisors and his Co-Workers may be Reading Over his shoulder, and so one cannot expect Richard to be quite so candid as myself. I can admit to any Murder or Mayhem without causing the slightest ripple. But Richard is necessarily keeping an eye on all of the Angles he has to deal with. And he does a fine job! I’ve had my differences with Richard on occasion, and he is quite a gentleman and quite a professional in the way he deals with conflict. But it is not just US he is dealing with – he has Everyone in His Office to consider. We both should be a bit more like him.

Oh! You are a slow learner you say? Well, then it is Good that you are Unemployed for a while. Being Unemployed will give you some Breathing Space, some Elbow Room. You will be able to Read All the Books and practice Socially all the New Skills you will need in order to Get Along Well with Everybody in you Next Job.

Thank God you didn’t Confront your Old Supervisor! That kind of thing NEVER HELPS. In fact, it remind me of why I Do Not Like some of the Anger Management Books Out There – they do alright in telling US not to be Angry, but THEN they go on to tell us that We Need To Be ASSERTIVE… that it is Somehow Important that We Make Our Point (no matter how many People it…Bothers) . What a Terrible Idea! Angry People need to simply Side-Step Confrontation altogether. Every Time you Prove You Are Right at Work, you are Proving Someone Else Wrong… and THAT makes that ‘Someone’ An Enemy for Life. But if you look at what you think is SO IMPORTANT (really look – with some Perspective… the ‘Big Picture’ Way of Looking At It), well, 99% of the time these ‘issues’ are Only Some Stupid Work Things… mere Details… some little extra Tangle among all the Millions of Tangles that make up the Fabric of the Corporate World. NOTHING IS EVER MORE IMPORTANT THAN JUST KEEPING EVERYBODY AS YOUR FRIEND. Caesar wasn’t stabbed 58 times because he had so many ‘Friends’.

The best thing I suppose you could do, career-wise, right now, is to lay low for a while, get up your strength, build your knowledge, practice your New Behavior and Thinking, and THEN move to a New City. The Best Place for a Fresh Start is a New Place. Get your next Job on the strength of all those Letters of Commendation and all that stuff. You can even put your old Supervisors down as references. In a Different City, Managers are less likely to make Phone Calls that are Long Distance. But even if they DO check your references, well, Normal People over time don’t hold Grudges… they may remember you (if they remember you at all) in a Good Light, and they may feel awkward if they were to ‘bad-mouth’ you behind your back and ruin your future chances… unless you made the Mistake of Cussing Everyone Out and Leaving in a Dark Stormy Cloud of contempt and abuse. NEVER BURN YOUR BRIDGES. Just because you hate certain people doesn’t mean you might not need them someday.

Well, it always is so good to talk to you.

Oh, I hope you have started your Anger Management Reading… and if the Books you get want you to be Non-Angry AND Assertive, at the Same Time, well, throw them out! It is clear that Some Authors may have ‘Researched’ Anger Management, in order to publish another book, but they really don’t KNOW a Thing About It. Then such authors must feel obsessed about bringing in some silly Pet Ideas (such as Assertiveness Training) … probably to help Promote Some Other Book they have written. And some people just aren’t, well, ‘Fit’ to write Anger Management Books, or not beyond a certain depth…You see, people who have never been Angry Personalities themselves can’t have any actual personal insight into Exactly What it Really Takes to Manage their Way OUT of such a Condition. It is a Difficult Task, BUT it is Possible, given Time and the Application of Effort and Will Power. Carla, I think you can do it. Oh… and DO write in more often…

Hi Leo, yes I was gone for a while, depression and loneliness were my friends!
My ex-employer has ruined my reputation according to a board member, I cannot apply to competitors
He said that the atmosphere was bitter and cold now I left the company...
Losing a job for me is hard: I cannot see + speak with my colleagues, I don't laugh anymore with customers and suppliers. Professional isolation since March!

No, nothing against Rich' , I admire people like him, at least he has a life, a family...I have none of that
AM books make me angry actually, they force you to suppress anger which is wrong as it kills you inside
Big hug Carla

Carla2016 wrote:Hi Leo....

… AM [Anger Management] books make me angry actually, they force you to suppress anger which is wrong as it kills you inside

Carla! Really! I’m surprised at you. You will please have to tell me how you even know that ‘suppressing anger kills you inside’. To KNOW something like that you would have to had Suppressed Anger, and In Order to Suppress Anger, long enough to KNOW anything about it, you would have had to Search Inside and Found Other Less Hostile Motivations then the kinds that Propel and Energize Angry People… the kind of Motivations you seem to thrive on.

There are Millions of People in the World who NEVER GET ANGRY, and walk around laughing and smiling. Is THAT what you mean by DEAD INSIDE? Are you More Alive than Happy and Content People?

Carla, maybe we didn’t go into discussing your Motivations, so let’s discuss them Now. You seem to seek out Confrontation. You appear to enjoy the Drama of fighting and arguing with People. Yes, given that YOU only feel alive when you are Battling, Fighting and Pushing Yourself Forward, I can see how Peace and Quiet would seem like Death to you.

Look at how you describe yourself now – Miserable in your Loneliness. Well, I myself am currently ‘Between Jobs’ and I’ve Never Been Happier! I guess that is the Difference between us. I would get Angry… mostly because I have way too much Pride and that makes one far too susceptible to Insult and feeling Slighted… and Shame on Me for it! BUT I NEVER Enjoyed It! I never ‘felt Dead’ because I couldn’t Face People Down and Stamp My Feet and Insist on Always having My Own Way. To me, Peace and Quiet and a Friendly and Polite Society is a pure Delight. In that Beautiful World of Sunlight and Contentment, well, DRAMA is the Worst of Dark Clouds. But all the Drama Queens of the World don’t realize what a Scourge they are for everybody else.

Oh, and in regards to your Repulsion to Anger Management Books… well, think about it? You must have heard about DENIAL. What these Anger Management Books are Telling You is that YOUR ENTIRE WAY OF LIVING AND THINKING ABOUT LIFE IS WRONG, and you don’t like THAT IDEA in the least. The Anger Management Books are an Actual Threat to the Survival of your Overly Dramatic and Confrontational Persona – that Person You See Yourself As. The Death you Speak of is the Death of that Angry Persona. BUT, the Persona you Developed as a Child and which you retained by sheer force of Habit, well, that Persona IS NOT the ONLY Type of Persona available to You, that is YOU as a Pure Soul. You could Develop a New Persona… a Better Designed Persona. Really good Actors, Performers and, yes, Con-Artists do it all the time. Nobody is STUCK with Being Themselves! You Do Not Have to be YOU… that is, if there is something Wrong with your Persona, well, Change It… and if the Entire Persona is Fundamentally Off, well, Scrap the Whole Thing and Re-Make Yourself from Scratch!

It is Rare, but there have been instances recorded in the annals of Psychology where in certain Cases entirely dysfunctional Personas dropped away and New Personalities emerged. Usually Schizophrenia doesn’t have such a Happy Ending, but in the few Cases where a Capable and Functioning Persona took over from a Morbidly Dysfunctional Persona, it is hard to argue with Success.

A better more practical example would be all those Small Town Provincial People, who wanted a Better Life then what the Farm and the Small Towns could offer and went to the Big Cities and Re-Made Themselves – They developed Cultured Accents, practiced Good Manners until they became Second Nature, and observed Cultured Society very closely and Virtually Absorbed it into Themselves. As it often happened, such people would be ‘discovered’ and confronted with their Past… and what they would Reply was often almost universally consistent: “I am Not that Person Anymore”.

Carla, you really should think of Trading in your Self and getting a New One. Seriously.

If you Remain the Way you Are, well, we simply can’t help you.

Hi Leo,
I am disappointed by your post.

All that to say that you cannot help! I guess it is too hard for you to solve...
Let me tell you something: I will never change my personality, I am not a hypocritical actress, will never be!
Yes, I like confronting liars, hypocrites, back-stabbers...what's wrong with this? I know companies are full of them!
I once confronted a b* in a car park...because he told the boss that "I did not fit in". Did you want me to hug him for that? When he heard my insults, he ran away like a chicken because of his weakness outside the company!

Well, we need two people to initiate a drama, don't think that others are innocent.
I believe that people who hurt others should be punished...

In the workplace, employees are always wrong...simply because they don't have the financial power!
I have a court case against my ex-employer soon...I will fight and hurt them the way they hurt me!
They owe me money too
Have a good WE!
Carla