What is wrong with my ex-girlfriend? Please help

**Posts:** 3 · by **Matty** » Sun Apr 11, 2004 11:38 pm

Hello,
Please respond as soon as possible. I want some help analysing my ex-girlfriends problems, why she behaves the way she does, and how I can help her before she gets hurt.
Even though I still love her and she still has some feelings for me as well I suspect, we broke up because she is just unable to commit herself to a relationship without getting bored. At the moment she is only 16, and I am 15, so this might be meaningless; but I don't want to take the risk because if this continues she will have serious problems in future.
When pressed upon why she thinks this is, she said she thinks that she is scared to let people close to her; but I cannot see what this has to do with commitment?
Also she has a habit of retreating into her private shell when she gets upset; I have a feeling this could mean that she won't address her problems so they won't go away for the future when relationships are more important, so I feel I have a duty to force her to address them.
She also has a non-existant self esteem and, even though we never slept together, sexually she admits that she likes to be a dominatrix; tying her lover up and whipping him. Why is this?

I think the low self esteem and sexuality comes from the fact she has had a traumatic childhood; she has no recollection of anytime before secondary school (age 11) because she was apparently bullied in primary school. And even though she doesn't admit it, I think her parents might neglect her; her 30 year old brother was apparently treated strictly by them, which resulting in him quitting college without telling them, and then when they were on holiday moving all his stuff out the house and living with his girlfriend and then marrying her, without telling his parents. As a result they never spoke with him for 6 years, and my ex-girlfriend tells me how her parents let her do anything without question because of that incident with her brother.

However I do not know why she retreats into a private shell, and why she cannot commit herself. Can someone please explain how this fits into her traumatic childhood, and what can I do to help her before this damages her future life? Please help me, I know you will roll your eyes at me as I'm only 15 but I really do love her and don't want her to get hurt.

Also worth mentioning is she is very sex-orientated, horny, flirts outrageously, and is also bi-curious. Maybe irrelevant.

**Posts:** 2821 · by **Roger Elliott** » Mon Apr 12, 2004 8:26 am

Hi Matty

Welcome to the forums!

Firstly, I think I must say that you sound like an extraordinarily thoughtful and caring individual, and your ex should be glad that she has someone who obviously cares about her enough (and is mature enough to be able to think that way about an ex!)

It's impossible to 'diagnose' really at such a distance, but it is my experience that people change a lot between the ages of 15 and 20 (or so) and everyone tends to go through curious or exploratory stages about sex, so I am not sure that this is cause for concern.

You say she had a traumatic childhood, but not being able to remember things before the age of 11 is not evidence of this - many people experience this having had perfectly happy childhoods, while others who have had an awful time can remember incredible detail.

It does sound as if her family has had some pretty rocky patches, which may well have had an effect on her, and I am not saying 'there is nothing wrong'.

The most difficult thing is to change someone else so to be a friend, you may find that all you can do is to be there for her if she needs you.

Best Wishes

Roger

**Posts:** 3 · by **Matty** » Tue Apr 13, 2004 10:15 am

Hi again
I've found out what is wrong with her. She has disassociative identity disorder. I've read up on it says it must be treated by bringing all her different personalities together as one, by guiding the different memories into one whole so she has no need for another personality. She is young so has less traumatic memories and probably less personalities, so it will take less time than the usual 3-5 years for adults, but I cannot do this myself. She accepts she has DID but won't listen to my pleas for her to see a therapist.
Also, I suspect that she might have been molested when she was young; she said something to me a while ago about her uncle being a paedophile, and 97% of DID sufferers have been sexually or physically abused, I have heard. She was also very avoidant of me when we were going out and talked to me a lot less than she did beforehand and now; I've talked to another of her ex-boyfriends who says the same. Apparently, survivors of sexual abuse go to one extreme; ever obsessive with their mates, or avoidant. So I'm fairly sure she was abused and has blanked out the memories.

What can I do?

**Posts:** 3 · by **bladerunner** » Tue Apr 13, 2004 8:10 pm

She's desperate for love and attention. Low self-esteem and perhaps self loathing are present also. She's afraid and has issues with her past to sort out. She needs to come to terms with herself and her problems. Shes afraid to trust and has to feel in control. There, and thats just a guess. I better mention I have no training whatsoever just in case. Okey dokey then.[/i]

What is wrong with my ex-girlfriend? Please help

#1

#2

#3

Main Menu

Psychology Resources

Recent posts

Active topics

Contact Us