I don't really want money, or a nice car, or a beautiful house, or a good job, or a PD, or fame, or to go to Hawaii on holidays... I don't really want anything everyone tells me I should want.
I've been recently diagnosed with depression, but it feels different than the last time. Last time I just wanted to end myself, I felt like each passing day was torture. Now I just feel nothing. Constant apathy.
I can't bring myself to go looking for a job and when I can I just take the first job I can get that offers minimal pay. I've been recently kicked out of college and I don't really want to go back.
I don't even want to do my hobbies or meet and party with my friends. I feel like a vegetable.
But it's a lie. I do want some things. I just don't know how to get those things.
First, I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I do have good friends and a loving family but that's not what I mean. I need a tribe if that makes sense. A group of people who share a common sense of purpose. Sometimes I kinda wish for a zombie apocalypse. That way there's a clear sense of purpose I could share with others. Zombie bad. Survival good. Humans together strong. But today everyone is just so focused on their career and themselves. I can't do that. I need to feel like there's a reason to keep going and there's other people who share the journey with me
And I also want a girlfriend. But maybe I wish for too much.
And that's all. I feel hopeless, like the two things I want I can't get and everyone keeps forcing on me things I just don't care about. What do I do?