I love my girlfriend, but something is amiss. I’ve lost some of the spark that was there in the beginning. The spark that kept my eyes from wondering. But now they do, and in the worst way. I have began speaking with other women over online chat. I’ve used the term “open-relationship” a number of times. I’m not sure if I could ever actually follow through with what I’ve been moving towards. Everything that is moral in me says, “don’t you dare do this, she does not deserve this and this is not who you are”. I’ve done this before in a past relationship when I was having doubts, but I was not living with that person so it was easy to end the relationship. I simply was not in love with that person ever. I’m not saying that ending the relationship is what I want, either. I’m unsure of what I want and I don’t know exactly why I’m doing it. Perhaps there is a bit of fear? Fear of the unknown and fear of not experiencing that “unknown”? Could I be missing out on something better? I don’t understand why what I have with her doesn’t feel like enough. Our personalities are similar on some levels and very off on others (she’s from Spain and I’m Canadian). And then there is the physical attraction aspect. Maybe it’s social media, maybe it’s where I’m living, maybe it’s that it is summer time, but I am just seeing so many beautiful women around. It’s making me kind of crazy to be in a monogamous relationship. Part of me wants to be free but a large part of me really wants to settle down, start a family, and dig in some roots. The Spain/Canada life scares me though. It sounds like a grand adventure but Spain also doesn’t align with my identity. Do I place too much emphasis on my identity as an outdoorsman? A hunter? A fisherman? A man capable of fixing things? I can fix a car but I can’t fix my head. I don’t want to be a expat living a city life in Spain where I’m bound to start drinking more and be in the countryside less. From a young age I knew I would always need rivers, mountains, and wilderness to be a large part of my life. My current home has seemed to be a fairly good balance of city/country life. I don’t think I could do much more “city” than this.
So what is my fear? Not being with another woman who is potentially better for me? A Canadian perhaps? Not having the physical attraction I use to have? The VISA application we are currently working on is putting pressure on me to make a decision. But why do I feel like there is a decision to be made in the first place?
Everytime her and I fight we automatically end the fight with the “well let’s breakup”; she pointed that out. And it’s true. Why do we do that? It is my belief that most couples that are truly in love don’t use that as “ammo” or would never even consider such things. It was my thought, that if you are truly in love, despite the fights you may have, you both are always moving towards a joint-solution, not a division of your relationship.
So what do I do? Do I tell her all of this? Is it better for her to know my doubts are still very alive inside me? Do I need time? Do I need to find myself? Find someone else? Or is she actually the one and I’m delusional because I’ve never had someone love me this way. I read her friends VISA application. The WhatsApp conversations expressing their love towards one another. Wanting a family and kids. In that moment I thought of her and myself. I didn’t want kids with her. I didn’t want a family with her. If she told me she wanted a child in two years today I might be inclined to say yes to avoid any conflict but inside I would feel deeply conflicted over the idea of her as the mother of my children.
We have a dog now, she is a beauty. I love that dog more then I thought I was going to (I had my reservations about getting it). Part of that makes me wondering if this is a little “micro-family” now and I’m having a harder time from a moral standpoint ending this? We are a couple, we share bills, rent, a dog, a home, vehicle, friends, etc... She’s travelled halfway across the world to be here. Her being here depends on me loving her. If I don’t love her she wouldn’t be here. So I have to love her. She has no one but a few friends. Her happiness depends on me right now it feels like.
We’ve broken up multiple times. I don’t look to her with the same spark I use to. I’m not always happy with who I chose as a partner. I sometimes feel like I could’ve done better. If I have this resentment can it ever be fixed?
This is a terrible way to end this, forgive me— my mind has been all over the place. I forgot to mention the sex life, which is important. Believe it or not, despite all of what I’ve said, our sex life is still good. Despite losing some attraction I’ve never had issues with her turning me on or vice versa. There are just a few things that I wish were aesthetically different about her now. Is that normal? To want your partners body to change from what initially might have a attracted you in the first place? She’s rather petite with a large “back-end”. I didn’t realize I was attracted to larger breasts and thicker thighs until recently (still love that back-end though). Forgive me, I was trying to be as polite as possible when speaking about her body. Or is this psychological and I’m really just wanting something different?