I don't really know why I'm posting this, I don't really even know what I'm asking but here I am!
I'm coming up for 29, I'm a mother to two children under the age of 10.
I've been smoking weed since I was about 12/13.. daily use since I was about 15, I smoked weed from the moment I woke up to the minute I went to bed.. over the past say 6 months I've managed to wait until atleast 3.45pm before I have my first joint.. but I have slipped up on many occasions and have rolled one up at 9.15am.. once I've had one that's it, I'm on it all day! I can't have a joint and then smoke a normal roll up.. it just doesn't happen!
I have moments I want to give up, then I have moments where I justify it.. I have many reasons why I want to give up; firstly I'm in a community where smoking weed is frowned upon so it's like my big secret I guess! It is difficult because sometimes I'm paranoid that the person I'm speaking with can tell that I'm stoned, or maybe that they can smell it on me.
Or when someone knocks on my door unannounced; if I can I won't answer it, simply because I know the house stinks of weed and I wouldn't want them to smell it/judge me.. and if I do have to answer, there's the fear that they can indeed smell it.
Will they judge me? Will they report me? Just some of the thoughts that play in my mind.. my partner doesn't smoke at all, and confirms that the house does indeed smell very strongly of weed.
I also don't want my children to realise I smoke weed; not because they'd judge me but because I wouldn't want them telling someone and I end up being judged or worse reported!
Also I am due to go on holiday in a few months, something I've been avoiding for years simply because I know I won't be able to smoke weed there.. I do suffer with anxiety, I'm very anti social and I "hate people"

Money is another, I normally buy about £100 worth a time; I stock up "just incase".. I really can't keep wasting my spare money on weed! Each time I buy some it gets that little bit harder to hand over the cash.
I hope that if I give up smoking weed, my moods will level out, I hope that I will have more energy because right now I am exhausted ALL the time!
I think I'll find the hardest is evenings, weekends.. I love a joint with a film, a coffee.. sometimes at night, I'll feel too "bloated" for another joint, so I'll eat something to absorb it just so I can smoke another joint.. does that make sense? It's ridiculous right?
My plan is I'll smoke through this weekend, simply because my partner and I have a weekend to ourselves and I wouldn't want to ruin it with withdrawal moods! I would like to make Sunday night my last smoke, I want to write my dealers phone number down and stick it in my stash tin.. get my partner to hide the stash tin and delete the dealers number from my phone.. the reason I want it hidden & not destroyed is incase I do have a re lapse, not only that but the thought of having none in the house would make it all abit worse.. maybe.. I'm not sure what best approach to take really.
What would you advise? Thankyou for taking the time to read my ramblings, it feels great being able to talk to someone about this!