Anger Management

Hi Emma,

I think your post may have gotten cut off at the top there, you might want to edit it. Also, the woman in example 2 is your brother's wife?

abeha wrote:n my view a simple reminder will solve the problem, no need for an outburst.

Example 2: When I tell her to stop talking about my family members, she says I'm not supportive of her and she needs to vent her frustration/anger (we have issues of sister in law not getting along with her), I do listen for a bit, but once she keeps repeating the same issues, I tell her to stop and say its enough. I say it nicely, but she becomes defensive, me of course gets annoys and my tone changes to an annoyed tone which results in her losing control because I am "not supportive" and can't put up with her complaints. Her complaints are also hurting my relationship with my family, but she always say she didn't start it, and this is hurting my relationship with my brother as we are no longer close due to the wives problems.

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emma

Dear Abeha,

Yes, I agree with you perfectly. There is no reason to be solidly 100% supportive of somebody who is just grumbling and complaining about everything. What good does it do? does grumbling and complaining change anything? No. People think that it is sometimes good to 'vent' .... to release all those negative and hateful feelings, but, no, it actually just intensifies them...to be 'supportive' of a moaner and groaner will only make it worse.

When I was a Sergeant in the Army about a half century ago, I remember telling solders who are so found of complaining, that they were just being a 'downer'... they were demoralizing the rest of us. 'Let's try to have a nice day despite how crappy you think everything is'. No, I was not supportive of darkness, gloom and constant negativity.

There is the Story about the Tribal Leader who tells his son about the Two Wolves in a man's heart -- one is a good and kind wolf, and the other is just hateful and complains all the time. The Chief says that eventually only one of the wolves will survive and take over the man's entire emotional being. "What can we do, Father, to get the Good Wolf to Win?"

"Let it be the one you feed".

So, yes, you shouldn't be expected to encourage negativity in yourself or even in other people... not even to be 'supportive'.

HOWEVER. You need to be solidly calm. You need to talk in a soft voice. In fact, when other people begin to get angry, the BEST THING TO DO is to begin to talk in a virtual whisper, like you are trading secrets with the other person. Make little beckoning hand motions to them so that they will come closer, and tell them calmly and very quietly what you think, as though you are having a Heart to Heart moment with them.

what you SAY might not be supportive, but the DELIVERY will seem like you are some kind of confidential best friend.