Richard,
The great thing about forums such as this is that people seeking help /advice and support about any life problem, or curiosity is that it automatically creates a sense of safety for people wanting to remain anonymous and who don't want or fear being judged had they asked this question in their life circle. It sets up a safety where people can come here and say perhaps the most ridiculous, confusing perspective information about their lives seeking to be heard and hopefully provided with an unbiased, objective opinion, guidance and support by people whose have the intention to help others unscramble the mess in their mind and encourage self-empowerment to handle whatever the situation is.
I've been a member on this forum since 2005 and have both asked and given support and advice to those seeking it. I've given and received feedback and do use everything people on here and in my life to reflect on, think about and understand how to evaluate myself and things around me and how to adapt myself to whatever situation arises. I'm therefore well aware that this is a public forum Richard and not a therapists couch. And in truth everything I have written from my original post til now has not at all implied otherwise.
I really do not understand how since the beginning of my thread we are reading what I am writing and it is being heard completely differently by you. I took awhile to respond to your last message as I was taking the need time to reflect, balance out, evaluating my reactions to the point of view that you are presenting and processing the messages to understand how or where I can use that information to help build this "balance" I keep referring to in areas that I am struggling in.
I also believe that a person with your experience and with the type of work you do should understand that feedback is both given and taken and someone who is truly worth their salt so to speak is open, willing and able to use feedback given to them in order to reflect, evaluate and learn from the interaction. Be it professional or not, aren't we as humans evolving emotionally and mentally because of feedback especially when conversations don't go the way we had hoped or expected?
This is my response to your message Richard, and I truly hope that if nothing else, it gives you a moment pause to truly evaluate this thread of conversation to understand if like me taking away lessons that I need to learn and implement in myself there is also lessons for you to learn from this interaction:
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Because of the format, advice is always given based on very limited information
alexandra wrote:In all honesty Richard, I believe that your intentions in being here and replying to peoples posts are to help them, and I completely understand that the information given to you per post is limited, we all make judgements, tone is hard to read etc.
My feedback about how I felt about our interaction was already from a place of "balance" or giving you the benefit of the doubt so to speak. I'm not new to the forum and have worked in this field for a number of years Richard, regardless of the format of information from a person seeking help, we are always limited in information, which is why our response needs to be broad, tactful and one where dialogue is encouraged. How can you help someone when your position is to harshly categorise someone as weak, inferior or stupid? Rather than encouraging someone to evaluate themselves from a place of empowerment, you take a person who is already vulnerable, potentially depressed and clearly struggling and beat them down more and that too with such limited information as you've already stated!
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:In the years I have been providing advice you are not the first nor will be the last to complain about judgments being made without getting the whole picture or a better understanding.
Criticism, feedback, complaints will always happen and I'm well aware that I am not the first nor will I be the last, but if the complaints you are receiving are about the same theme, I would hope that you would use these opportunities to evaluate how you are presenting advice to the people, again, people who are already in a position of diminished power, and if the delivery of that advice is helpful or harmful?
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You have a problem that you decided to post in a public forum. I took the time to provide you my honest opinions. And instead of taking whatever advice is provided for what it might be worth, you complain about the advice. How has that worked out for you in life?
It was this particular comment Richard that solidified my stance and reasons for my stance on how your messages have been delivered and how I perceived those messages. I have mentioned quite a few times through my thread that I'm essentially trying to dismantle and reconfigure this whole expectation in interpersonal relationships that everything is "fine" as long as I shut up and don't implement my boundaries, speak about my needs or expectations. And this very statement by you is a prime example of it.
I haven't once shown dis-appreciation in you taking the time to read and respond to my thread and in terms of the opinions you made about me, namely,
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You don't know your boundaries, because you are too busy try to please everyone else and thinking by pleasing others that somehow that will lead to you being happy. It won't.
. In fact, I said this about you taking the time to read and respond to my thread with the added bonus of stating my boundaries:
alexandra wrote:...thanks for your time and again you're welcome to give your feedback, but that up there ^ is my thoughts on any further unfairly negative judgements you have about me without first asking for that information.
In terms of me apparently not taking your advice for what it's worth and instead complain about it [How dare I question and complain about your advice and how wretched of me for being ungrateful of the time you've taken to respond to my thread at all!!
)..... Ok let's rewind this a bit:
Situation 1:You're Advice: Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:My advice is for you to reduce, reduce, reduce. It will give you peace of mind as you move away from complexity and towards simplicity. Focus on you and what you can control. Focus on developing a foundation of low level personal boundaries and build from there.
My Response: alexandra wrote:Anyway, I hope this gives a better explanation of my situation. I understand that I need to keep things simple, be surface level with everything while I figure out how to navigate stuff. I just need guidance in how to best navigate things with my wife given this new info I've written now and how to prepare myself to handle this arranged meeting whenever my wife and this friend decide a suitable day.
Summary from my perspective: You gave me advice to reduce and move away from complexity towards simplicity. To focus on me and what I can control. To focus on developing low level personal boundaries and build from there. My response to you was to
acknowledge[/b ]that I understand that I need to keep things simple and be at a superficial level with everything while I figure out how to navigate stuff. I actually went into detail about all of the mess happening in my life, and [b]acknowledged on more than one ocassion the mess I end up putting myself in interpersonal conflicts and
how I am trying to navigate boundaries and self-expression through a process, but admittedly, this is an area that I strongly struggle with because my sense of self has been built on and developed as being deserving of abuse and
I am seeking guidance to continue to help me dismantle these incorrect and damaging thoughts and processes so that I can continue to work towards healthy thought processes. Evaluation: So was this me being unappreciative? Was this me criticising your advice and essentially throwing it back at you? No, It was me acknowledging and showing that I understand what you are advising me to do. I furthered this by going into detail of how I have been implementing this advice over the course of the year and how it helps with most situations; however, this process isn't working well for me in other areas hence the purpose of my posts and wanting guidance in how to navigate said situations. I expanded on the factors at play, my being confused and stuck with two relationship issues in particular with the intention to provide you with more information to give you a better understanding of my problem.
This leads to
situation 2 where you're following message left me confused:
Your Response: Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Reread your last post. How much of your last post is keeping it simple? How much of your last post is reducing instead of increasing the complexity? My advice is to simplify and instead you start trying to add layers of complexity with your thoughts regarding the UK, PTSD, bullying, etc. etc. etc.
My Response:
alexandra wrote:The purpose of my posts so far has been to given relevant information regarding my situation and significant events that have happened or are taking place that are important factors. Perhaps this is where you are misunderstanding me?
Again, have I criticised your advice or complained about your advice? No, I'm clarifying my intentions as I perceived us being on two different pages so far and asked if this is where you are misunderstanding my replies to your messages.
Another example:
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You do not do yourself any favors.
alexandra wrote:I don't understand what you mean by this?
Situation 3:Your Advice:Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Here is a simple exercise that helps define my boundaries. Starting from scratch, what makes it a good day? For me:
-1- I wake up as it starts getting light out.
-2- I enjoy a nice cup of coffee.
-3- I get some fresh air, enjoying a walk or some fitness.
-4- I clean things up, including myself.
-5- I pack up my office and walk to the cafe.
-6- Along the way I grab breakfast (usually some fruit, peanuts). I really enjoy mango.
-7- At the cafe I enjoy a hot beverage while pursuing my professional endeavors, learning, sharing, creating.
-8- I take a break, grab another bite to eat and relax a bit.
-9- I continue my professional pursuits, but typically in the afternoon it is more about the social aspects, networking, etc.
-10- I pack up my office and walk back to my place.
-11- I take a siesta and then read for a bit, or work on language.
-12- I enjoy an evening meal.
-13- I go for a walk to the city center (the park), go to the market, enjoy some entertainment, relax, talk with friends, etc.
-14- Once home I check messages and then decide my priority for tomorrow. Then I disconnect.
-15- I reflect and wind down.
-16- I go to bed.
The above is not complicated. The above is a chronological, very simple process entirely under my control. The above is extremely simple and makes a full and rewarding day. Repeat these sequence over several days and I have a great week. There are plenty of people in my life, but those people don't dictate my boundaries. No one else controls the above sequence of events. If the sequence is altered, it is by my choice.
What everyone else does with their day in my world is up to them. Whatever my partner does with her life, whatever her daily sequence, more power to her. Her routine and my routine can exist together. I respect her boundaries and she respects mine. Whatever my neighbors do is also up to them.
Notice my daily routine is all about me, me, me. Is it selfish? No. I have plenty of time in my day to interact and help others, but it is on my terms, not theirs. And I expect my partner to do the same.
My Response:
alexandra wrote:This list isn't a list of boundaries though is it Richard? It is a list of your daily routine. Your boundaries are in you not allowing external factors to affect your routine. I don't get the purpose of you sharing this routine with me? If you had shared your boundaries regarding interpersonal relationships with family, friends etc, that would have made sense and perhaps given me a take away of where I did to reflect on where my boundaries are with interpersonal relationships and how you implement them etc.
Up until this point, it has been clearly raised by me that we are on completely different pages in terms of what I am asking for and what you are taking from my questions. My above response was also influenced by further comments you made about me as a person such as:
-
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You are trying to make it complicated.
-
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You probably don't even know what will make it a good day for you.
-
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You don't know your boundaries, because you are too busy try to please everyone else and thinking by pleasing others that somehow that will lead to you being happy. It won't.
I think any person who has taken the risk of sharing personal and vulnerable information about themselves in the hope to gain perspective, advice and support is hoping to be met with empathy, kindness and a true willingness to help the person feel empowered to handle whatever situation is present in their life.
It is from that very position of vulnerability, that when instead of empathy, kindness, mutual respect and acknowledging the numerous attempts to clarify the question they are asking they are shamed and belittled for coming on the forum in the first place that is supposed to be a place for things like this.
Up until now, I truly do not understand the purpose behind your suggestions as they are so completely different from what I am seeking guidance on that trying to find a correlation between the two is very difficult. I came to this forum with this question:
alexandra wrote:So the point of my post is to seek guidance from you all about how to differentiate between setting healthy boundaries with others and compromising or refraining from expressing my feelings etc as it's unfair, a wrong reaction etc to the other person.
From this, you made the above judgements from I don't know where and you're advice to me is:
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Write out step by step what will make it a good day for you. Imagine yourself enjoying every moment. What would that look like? Focus on you. Once you have established such a day, then you know your boundaries, then you have something to work towards.
Had I been asking advice on how to know what my own boundaries are and how to implement them then your advice, minus the ridiculously hostile judgements, would make perfect sense. However, that wasn't my question. My question was how do I find the balance between expressing my boundaries and not expressing my boundaries when certain interpersonal relationships arise. It wasn't about me not knowing what my boundaries are, what my routine is or knowing what a good day represents or means to me.
So what I responded with in the end to your advice was critisim yes, because instead of you reading my posts, trying to understand what I am asking for, you've gone and labelled me as such and such and gave me advice that I don't know how to use while insulting me throughout your messages to me. Instead of going over our conversations, looking at where the discrepancies are, you continue to attack me for 1) Standing up to your uncalled for, hostile insults, 2) For stating that your advice is confusing and I don't understand the correlation of your example to what I am asking and 3) For thanking you for your time and accepting your feedback/advice with the condition that I request for my stated boundaries to be respected??
Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Keep wasting your time trying to make life more complicated than it is. Good luck with that.As for me, I will move on to other threads and continue to give the advice to those seeking an honest opinion. As always, some will appreciate the advice, others will not. That’s life. Pretty simple.
[/quote]
And again, you start and end on being condescending, insulting and patronising when someone as knowledgeable and experienced as you should've been able to reevaluate this whole exchange, looked at what your role was and responded from a stance of professionalism and resolution. You give one advice and then completely contradict the advice by insulting and belittling the person by sweeping judgements that come absolutely from no where and then when that person stands up for themselves, gives you the benefit of the doubt despite the insults, and puts in place the very boundaries that you have been encouraging from the onset it's very confusing isn't it??
Like I said in my last post, I understand and respect that everyone has different ways of handling situations and granted one way doesn't work for everyone. Perhaps your methods work for some and they don't for others, my only question to you is, do you truly feel that everything you say when advising people on this forum is from a place of help rather than harm? If you feel it truly is from a place of help, then I hope you take the feedback from people such as myself who have "complained" and evaluate if your stance of help is honestly being received by the very people you are saying that you're helping.
Thank you for your time and for the advice you have given me, regardless if advice fits in at a particular time in my life or not is irrelevant, I take on board comments, feedback and advice given to me and try to evaluate myself in regards to that advice. My purpose in this life is to understand myself and the world around me. In order to do that, I need to understand how mentally "healthy" individuals handle situations that trigger my ptsd and other trauma related issues so that I can find better strategies to gain steps towards that mentally "healthy" life and sense of self that I have spent my life to attain.
I wish you well and hope that you can take this exchange with a grain of sugar and take from it any lessons that you may find in it. I know I have, and I thank you for helping me reflect and I guess practice those lessons. I'm sorry if I have offended you, this is very much the exact reasons for me posting on here. I'm learning and perhaps I could have worded my message to you better and I hope as I continue this journey, I will really hone how to navigate such conflicts better.
Take Care,
Alex
