osenych wrote:Do you think that discussing the change in your behavior first with your partner would help? What if Wolfie actually told his wife that he learned this new technique and would like to implement it? And only then started practicing it?
Just curious what your thoughts are on this) Because that's how my husband and I started doing it. But we never had any serious anger episodes in the first place. For Wolfie and his wife things might be different.
Oh, Yeah! IF our Angry Friend can Maintain Control, then it would be Excellent if he could say to his Wife "Sweet Heart, I've been talkin to People and readln stuff, and I want to try something, and YOU are going to like it.... I promise! This is what I want us to do -- first I'll talk soft and won't raise my voice and I will come up and get close to you and we can sit down and hold hands and then I'll talk nice about the weather or whatever, and nothing bad will happen. This will get us used to talkin without anything bad happenin. Sound like a good idea to you?..."
But it takes control and our Angry Guy has to Deliver on his Promise. Also, if the Wife is skittish and nervous, and prone to sarcastic comments, then our Angry Guy has to be able to take that in his stride.
But, yeah, when I was working with Animals, I did not have the Benefit of Exact Verbal Communication. I had to work exclusively with Safe and Secure Repetition of Beneficial Actions -- they learned to trust me from Pure Experience. So, yes, Communication CAN speed up the Process.... but it takes some Solid Control.
It is Almost Like the Guy has to NOT CARE Anymore What his Wife does or says. I was able to work with Animals so well because essentially I was in a place where I didn't take Anything Personally. I was happy with "Win Some, Lose Some". But Wives! Then there is the Matter that Wives know how to 'Push their Husbands' Buttons' ... they may Want some Drama... they may Want to start a Fight, and they know exactly what to do or say that will cause trouble. It is not nice to say so, but I feel that a lot of spousal abuse is intentionally provoked by the 'injured party', who may not know that their Spouse's Reaction will go Too Far, but if you could study the Dynamics of the Situation you would find that the subsequent Violence was Reactionary and Responsive -- that the Injured Party was the one who was Controlling the Situation up until the Point of Civilized Breakdown.
Anyway, it is a Formidable Task for an Angry Guy to attempt to reach a détente with a leery, cynical, defensive wife, who is probably an Angry Person herself. But what else can a Married Angry Person do? They have to try.
I wish that Angry People could just Report In somewhere, to take an Official Break from Career and Relationship Responsibilities so that they could first have a chance to Unwind and Reflect, and then to have a chance to undergo Active Therapy, replete with Evaluations, Repetition and Practice. And then, finally, When They Are Found Fit for Human Society, they could be released to go back to their Careers and Relationships. but as it is, People have to Try to Act Better, even when they have hardly Any Idea what that means, and they have Zero Practice trying to achieve It.
It took me years to achieve significantly good results with Anger Management, and the whole time up till then I was still cutting 'a mile wide swath of destruction' -- no, I wasn't that bad, and I was getting better all the time, but it doesn't Take Much to lose credibility with the people you are trying to Impress. If a KNOWN Angry Person is Completely Okay for Six Months, well, nobody remembers any of that if he has even has One relatively Minor Blow Up.... it is all "Look! he hasn't changed a bit!". So I wish People had more Options, but we are stuck with everyone at least trying to do their best with very few resources.
You know, maybe it would be better if Husband and Wife could agree to Keep their Distance for a while. Make an arrangement. The Angry Man could tell his wife that he just needs Time and Space to get used to being Un-Angry, and he can't deal with her at the Same Time. and She could probably use some Space too. Then Cut the House in two. There could be Family Dinner -- not to exceed 45 minutes (anybody can Stay Nice for 45 Minutes). There would be Rules. Everyone Dresses Nicely and promises to be on Best Behavior and only use Proper Language -- this is for Guaranteed Safety and Calm. But the Angry Couple CAN'T go on just like it is still Business as Usual, because their Anger is Part of Their Established Pattern.
Wow, Olga, it really gets Complicated, doesn't it?