I cant control my anger with my boss/family member

Dear Tenacity,
Yes, you do have an Anger Issue. It would have been nice if we had more basic information – your gender, your relationship to the Boss/Family Member, your age. You see, all those details help to add up the Big Picture. But, I can work with bare bones for a while. Probably the best thing that can help you in the short term is to learn how to control your Adrenaline Rushes. I have been writing a lot about that lately (perhaps the best exposition is what I wrote to Daisyclose). Just check my First Responses to a lot of the Posts… advice on Adrenaline seems to be good general Advice for any degree of Anger above that of mere annoying Irritability. The essence of my Adrenaline Advice is that immediately before a Blow Up, if you pay attention, you will notice that your Jaw Muscles Clamp Down – you grit your teeth. That is the Very First Physiological Sign that Adrenaline is being released. When you notice this, you should IMMEDIATELY just relax – take a deep breath through an Open Mouth and shake it off. Apparently Evolution had built in this Adrenaline Shut Off Switch, but nobody seems to know about it. It must have come in handy with Primitive Man who was always getting one Scare after another, and many of them False Alarms. There has to be a way to shut down Adrenaline, which is Nature’s ‘Panic Button’, when it has been activated hastily by mistake (mistaking the village dog for a wolf, or a stick on the ground for a snake).

If you need to practice shutting down your Adrenaline Rushes, you can practice using a Pin. I used to think that I would need to stab my hand with a Pin in order to set off an Adrenaline Rush, but it turns out that all you need is a Pin and then GET READY to stab yourself. Usually just the Intent of stabbing yourself is enough to start the Adrenaline flowing and you will feel your Jaw Muscles constricting. Then IMMEDIATELY relax them – Open the Mouth and take a deep breath and literally shake it off. Once you have practiced this a few times and can remember to Do It in Real Life Situations, you will save yourself from a lot of Grief.

Well, THAT was easy, but your Problem seems to be of an overwhelming nature. From what I gather, you are Working at Home and Living in the same house as your Boss. You NEVER get a break! The Way Anger Works is that any Significant Anger Episode, where you lose your temper, cuss and swear, and basically act in a way you deeply regret, will cause you to have Mental Turmoil and Anxiety for about 3 days, which seems mentally overwhelming at first but quickly tapers off. For instance, you would likely lose some sleep on the first night and perhaps lose your appetite at meals. The second day you will be preoccupied by the Episode, but you will seem to outside observers as being able to do your Job. You will be able to sleep that night. On the 3rd day the Anger Episode will be floating in the back of your mind. In Anger Management that is called the “Leaky Bucket” Effect. Time takes care of Most Anger. But, if you are Repeatedly and Continuously Provoked to Ever New Anger Episodes, then the ‘Bucket’ effectively always stays Full. I don’t know how you can Sleep or Eat! You must feel absolutely horrible. I am afraid for your health.

…I had just taken a few minutes just to think about your extraordinary situation. I have nothing ‘solid’ but let me share some of my thoughts. First I thought that nowadays a lot of people advise ‘never lending money to a friend that you are not willing to just forget about”, and that means either the ‘money’ or the ‘friend’, because you don’t want to have to choose between the money and your Friendship. Next I thought that Traditionally in the Old World it had often been quite common to have Businesses run out of the home. But these were Extended Family Homes, with typically more than Two Generations being represented, and in those Traditional Cultural Spheres the Authority of the Patriarch was already Fixed and Understood. The Patriarch had always been the Boss in regards to Everything, and so Business was really no different. Also, the Patriarch of the Household was not as Approachable as in today’s World. Grand Dad had his own Office or ‘Library’ and to talk to Grand Dad you had to knock on the door and wait to be told to ‘come in’.

This is where I begin to wish I knew more about the Family Relationship you have with the Boss. Unless she has ALWAYS been an Imposing Matriarchal Figure in your Life, I can see that you can have trouble with being her lackey now. But let’s try to positive and productive and go over the Details of your Work Place layout. Does She have an Office and does she stay there? Do YOU have your own office or are you allowed to go off and do your Job in secluded isolation. You know, separation between the Boss and Workers has always seemed important. As far back as you go into European Workplace History, the Bosses have always KNOWN that No Work Gets Done if they DON’T Walk Away from the Workers and leave them to Do Their Jobs. You see, Bosses only make Workers nervous. Also, whenever Bosses are present, they always seem to feel they are entitled to give advice and directions on how Workers should be doing their jobs. Well, in some isolated Cases where the Boss had worked his way up off the Floor over a great number of years, such Advice may well be worth taking, but generally the Person Doing the Job Knows What they are Doing, and the Boss is only Guessing. That is why in Modern Society it is Universally Accepted that all Bosses are Complete Idiots and need to stay in their Offices and let the Employees just do the Jobs they are paid to do.

So that is why I am curious about how your Work Place is physically laid out. If you are working Shoulder to Shoulder with your Boss, then I don’t know what to tell you. That would just be Too Much, wouldn’t it?

But let’s assume that you don’t have THAT problem but that you are simply just some kind of uncontrollable Hot Head. Well, yes, we can address that Problem, but it will take a while. You will have to learn how to Identify Bad Behavioral Habits and how to plan and rehearse to use Better Behaviors instead, and to do the Same in regards to your Negative Thinking. You can get a great deal of help from this from Self Help Anger Management Books. There are Good Anger Management Books – written by Psychologists and Trained Therapists and then there is all the trash written by touchy-feely New Age opportunistic money grubbers. My favorite Anger Management author is Ronald Potter-Efron, who has a number of books published, treating anger issues across the spectrum, from Irritability to dangerous Rage, and he even has a few College Textbooks to his credit. You can go to that Big Online Book Retailer Dot Com and search up Ronald Potter-Efron and go over the descriptions and Reviews and pick the books that most appeal to you.

Basically all of the most effective Anger Management Therapies are based on the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy model. Basically that consists of Review and Revise. You Review your thoughts and actions for bad habits and negative conditioning and when you identify ‘problem areas’ you Revise by deciding what to do and think instead of what you had been doing and thinking.

The Books help you by giving you Ideas and Reinforcement. I found that if I just read one chapter a day, or about 20 minute’s worth, it would “keep my head in the game” and I would be more On Guard about losing my temper.

In Ronald Potter-Efron’s recent book, “The Angry Brain”, he deals with the notion of ‘Mental Plasticity’ and how we can fundamentally change the way we Think and Behave. But he acknowledges that it is a Process that takes time. While adopting a Committed Attitude is of course very important, just having a Good Attitude will not basically change anything. What Needs to be Done is that you have to Weed out the Bad Conditionings and the Bad Habits one at a time. A Sailor with a Tattered Sail has to mend each tear one at a time. You can imagine that that might take a while if you have been chronically Angry about a lot of stuff.

With people in relationships I often ask if they are free to take a Relationship Break for a while. Angry People sometimes just need some Time to begin to get their Act Together. With Work Place Anger of course the first question is whether they can get another job if the Work Place ‘Chemistry’ seems to have gone too sour.

Now, I should tell you that I had myself been an Angry Person, and here is some Bad News, that even if you become an Absolute Saint, the people who remember you as having been an Angry Person will NEVER EVER really trust you again. Or maybe after a few Decades, but I haven’t gone that long yet and don’t know. But even if only just a few years go by, THEY will always be tense, anxious and waiting for you to Blow Up again. You can see it in their eyes. There is nothing you can say or do to fix that. Your Anger had already ‘Poisoned that Well’ and often times the best thing you can do is Move On.

So, you should have a heart to heart talk with your “Boss” and discuss this issue, but you need to bring up the distinct possibility that the Damage has already been done, and that even if you become a perfect model of peace and serenity you feel there will still inevitably be tension, caused by simply ‘muscle memory’. The Subconscious Never Forgets. I give the same advice to people having Relationship Anger, that sometimes if certain Lines have been crossed, then there is no going back. That is how Destructive Anger can be. That is why it is important to address your Anger Issues, if you have any at all. Life comes with enough Problems without sloppy thinking and stupid conditioned behaviors adding to them.

Anyway, let me know what you think.

expectations you have from oneself and others sometimes could be too far and lead to unneccessary disappointment and escalate to anger/aggression/ bulling : its like you may want 20% more of what you are already paid and forget that what you earning is already good and worth: that can become frustration

The negative experiences we have can also create frustration and we may panic and become too defensive for even small things

it can also be bad habits how we learn to solve our problems and we may not know better ways: like more intellectual less emotional

These are the reasons they say;

Be thankful: they say be thankful because you always expect more and you are disapointed and forget all the goodies that people have done for you

Forgive oneself and others: forgive because you dont want to keep the hate and frustration within you why someone did something on the past

Face your fears: because your fantasy that something is extreme bad you want to see the reality that it isnt and convince oneself it isnt

laureat wrote:
....its like you may want 20% more of what you are already paid and forget that what you earning is already good and worth: that can become frustration

...............

Dear Tenacity,

See. This is what you are up against. Laureat, who is really a nice sweet person, goes into this assuming that the Parasitical 'Boss' Exploiters are entirely justified in all of their gouging of your salary where they themselves pocket the Lion's Share of all YOUR Value Added contributions to the Business. If there was any SENSE for Social Justice in our Societies then Businesses would have to become Partnerships where each Partner would receive Full Value for the Value Added he or she contributes to the Business's Final Products. the Way it is now is simply Predatory and promotes a Class Society which divides the People between those who are Entitled and Privileged and those who are Destitute and Dependent -- the Haves and the Have Nots.

Tenacity, maybe you need to talk to the Boss about making This Thing of Yours a Partnership, and that you can't Live and Work in the Same home while being treated like some Slave that came crawling off the Street Begging for a Job. Family Members should be allowed to preserve their Dignity and Self Respect, shouldn't they?

We asked career and HR experts how to handle angry, volatile co-workers, and they suggest several steps you can take.
1. Remember the problem is them, not you.
2. Don’t try to fix them.
3. Stay cool.
4. Focus on their behavior rather than arguing.
5. Don’t try to intervene in a physical altercation.

Shahronak wrote:We asked career and HR experts how to handle angry, volatile co-workers, and they suggest several steps you can take.
1. Remember the problem is them, not you.
2. Don’t try to fix them.
3. Stay cool.
4. Focus on their behavior rather than arguing.
5. Don’t try to intervene in a physical altercation.

HR has a list for Everything. But what they really mean is "Stay out of it, and let us deal with it."

Everyone who has had Anger Issues at Work knows how HR really deals with Anger in the Work Place. and it is not with a tidy little list of platitudes.

I am feeling your pain because I know it hurts to pour your frustration on your loved ones.
Who else than your family and friends is closer to you. One take Care of you at home and others make you feel home at other places.

I wanted to overcome such behaviour.I have recently read a blog about how to stop targeting your loved ones when angry on carryongarry.
In this the author said that, we are most awful with our loved ones and hence hurting them breaks us a lot.
So, all you gotta do is: don't accept this mean behaviour as your reality.
People generally say I am this way, I can't hold anger
This is not true, stop seeing your self in bad light. You can be a better person.
Secondly, avoid situations where you might vent your anger on someone innocent.
Whenever such situation arises, just walk off.

Garrythegreat wrote:I am feeling your pain because I know it hurts to pour your frustration on your loved ones.
Who else than your family and friends is closer to you. One take Care of you at home and others make you feel home at other places.

I wanted to overcome such behaviour.I have recently read a blog about how to stop targeting your loved ones when angry on carryongarry.
In this the author said that, we are most awful with our loved ones and hence hurting them breaks us a lot.
So, all you gotta do is: don't accept this mean behaviour as your reality.
People generally say I am this way, I can't hold anger
This is not true, stop seeing your self in bad light. You can be a better person.
Secondly, avoid situations where you might vent your anger on someone innocent.
Whenever such situation arises, just walk off.

Dear Garry,

I believe you are probably kind of new to Anger Management. For instance, your first advice regarding not accepting Anger as one's Reality, well, that constitutes an Attitude Change, or rather a reorientation of the Attitude. Yes, that is essential for Change, but it will not Create the Change in and of itself. The way my old friend the Psychologist put it, the Attitude Change is First Order but implementing the Change is Second Order. First Order is like Wishing one were Bilingual. Second Order is buying a bunch of French Books and Instruction CDs and signing up for a French Class. But some people Wish they were Bilingual all their lives but never do anything about it. This is what your Attitude Change about Anger often leads to, that people only Wish they weren't so Angry all the time.

Your second piece of advice is to practice Avoidance of Trigger Situations. That is good advice at the elementary level. For extremely angry people who have not yet had the time it takes to learn and practice advanced control and de-escalation techniques and stratagems (until they are internalized and second nature skills), Avoidance may be their only realistic option. But "Walking Out of the Room", "Walking Out of Meetings", "Getting Up and Walking Out on Thanksgiving Dinner".... these Acts also do some Damage, don't they? Yes, not as bad as freaking out and screaming at people, but one is still making a 'Scene'. You are still causing 'Drama'. You are still raining on everyone else's parade. A person skilled in Anger Management has the ability to withstand triggers without causes Scenes. In fact, if one gets good enough as a de-escalator then one can even help with keeping other people from creating scene.

Garry, do you want help? You know, you are a member, and you are allowed to post asking for advice. Many of the Members here are willing to help, and have a lot of experience and knowledge in helping with Anger Management.

You're going to have to learn how to control your anger. Work in general can be pretty stressful. Take a deep breath, walk away and be thankful for the opportunity your boss has given you. Me personally, my bark was always worse then my bite. Never been into fights and never had any altercations of any kind at work or outside as an adult. As a little kid I was in 1 to defend myself.. That was it.. You want to present yourself as a professional and not a loose canon. Try to embrace your boss and make the relationship prosper. I always count my blessings and I'm extremely thankful for all the opportunities all my bosses have given me. You have to respect them