I think i am going crazy

I dont know where to begin

Ive always felt different compared to everyone else. Ive tried the last couple of months to be a better self, by trying to be more social and getting to know new people, but it is way to difficult

I always get rejected. I ask people i havent met in a while to come and meet me. They always come with excuses later that day, or they just simply plan something else they want to do.

I also think very much about how other minds work. Why they reject me, why they dont reply, am i bothering them, how do i look, how do i make them feel, am i good enough, why do people think they can dominate, why is that person mad at me, why isnt that mad persons dead (i start to visualize the person burning/ being butchered and so on)

I feel like people just do what the **** they want. I just get sick and mad i just wish i could cleanse everything by killing or something else. Change..

Ive never been good at school, never felt like there is a point in doing it. Im just following the system of the goverment, why should i do that? I also have learning disorder, concentration disorder, writing disorders, bad resonated thinking

I feel like i have tried so many times, why does everything have to be so f***ing unfair? People think they can dominate me by looking mad, commanding me what to do. Why isnt there any punishment for hurting someone mentaly and not just psyicaly? It sucks!! Physicaly theres proof, mentaly there isnt.. Unfair!!

I dont have any point of life, i just do things even though i always get alot of sh** back. I just try and laugh at it, but it hurts me mentaly. It feels like it makes me more and more into a madman for every day passing by.

Life is so unfair, why does it feel fair to kill someone? The thought is so satisfying!

I have had a difficult time growing up, i was violent at young age at elementary school and high school. I had a difficult time at home. Never had someone to love because girls just wanted the *bad boys* hurting people mentaly.

Im 25 years old, i broke up with my first girlfriend 4 months ago. We were togheter for 5 years. Everything was great. There were times where i could become really mad if i got bills, i could many times yell or destroy furnitures. However i was never violent to her.

She broke up with me because she was tired because i wasnt helping her and because i sometimes act like a kid. When i say act like a kid, i mean really irritating and full of energy.

After we broke up, the first day was terrible. Then i tried to date new women just to forget her, but i found out pretty quickly that it hurts way to much to be able to forget her. There is no other girl like her, but she doesnt want me back.

When i meet new girls, they just want to have sex. I dont want that, because i know that thats all they want (espesially the tinder & happn girls).or they want to find the 100% perfect man. I get so freaking confused!! If im having days where i am happy, i lose my attractiveness to girls im dating. If i have days where im passive and a bit charming, girls love it!!

Im so freaking confusezd, who am i supposed to be?? The guy secretly dreaming about becoming a top world artist?? I dont know. Thats my dream. Becoming more powerful than anyone else, because money is everything today. Yes!! Girls in this town only like boys that have money!! Or look badass!!!

So, lately i have no motivation to finish school. Because i feel like everything i need now, is a smart drug.

Ive recently been diagnosed with depression, still waiting for more. Im fearing i might have some sort of social anxiety and general anxiety. As my thoughts on how i look and how people think about me seems to be something i think alot about.

I just dont know what to do. I try to be different by inviting people, not giving up on inviting people to do something
But everything people wants to do, is their own things. Things like watching a tv show by theirself at home, or going out with their own friends and not inviting me with them

I just freaking hate this place, i hate this town... i just dream about becoming something big one day, i just dont know how or what. I just want to become powerful, and show the world from secret what i can do. But i feel way to mentaly ill right now to be able to do such a thing..I cant work for other people, **** them.. They are douchebags. I need to work by myself..

I just cannot seem to find out how im supposed to live this life, with everything i am thinking about. Im overanalyzing everything. Because, usually it is the truth.

All i feel right now, is that killing someone would satisfy me, as i could get my years of revenge. The lust of dominance that ive never felt before. To see someone beg before me, someone that thought they were stronger, to see them suffer. My years of being bullied because my conentration and learning disorder kicks in, not being able to work like everyone else.

I dont know, my thoughts keeps on jumping. But i dont know what to do here. Why the heck am i here? What is my purpose? Where do i begin, where do i look?

I feel like my only solution is to move away from everything. From my family, from my fake friends. Start a new life in a town or new country with strangers, see if that helps.

Am i the only one? What can i do to ease all this complicated stuff after all these years of life being unfair, seing all my friends getting everything they point at.. All the girls, all the friends, all the money and vacations they want, all the popularity. Its unfair!! When is it my turn!!!!!?!?!?!?!

Maybe i should stop being the nice guy?!?!?!

Ohh and my medications are ecitalopram 20mg, also using wellbutrin 150mg. Messes my sleep with 300mg. Feels like my meds are no longer working

Im tired of feeling like i know the truth of human beings!! All the rotten and shitty things about humans..b