Advice; clarity with my dad

WhatIs_87 wrote:Hi Richard,
I'm actually not afraid of his rejection. I'm afraid of his acceptance and having a relationship with him in the first place.

Fear of acceptance/rejection, there is no difference in your lack of “actively” seeking clarity.

Fear is normal. You acting like you have been trying so hard to gain clarity is where you are shifting the blame/cause on 8+ months of missed opportunities, messages, lost cell phones, unopened letters, etc. etc.

And you completely ignored the advice to send a certified letter, hire someone, or use a trusted friend to hand deliver a message. If you literally wanted to gain clarity it isn’t that difficult. It doesn’t take 8+ months.

This sending a message via X or Y and waiting several months to then explain away and create plausible excuses is doing you no favors.

Notice, I have gone from telling you to leave him alone to telling you to get it over with. You have used normal messaging, no response. You have used your step sister, no response. So if it is causing you such agony, send a certified letter or hire someone to deliver the message.

Hi Richard,

I didn't seek clarity for 8 months. I think the timeline is getting muddled. I should probably start using the reply editor function that you do to make my comments easier to understand.

It's been more of an on and off thing, where I earlier assumed he had received my messages, then I reconsidered and decided to use additional resources (my sister) only to discover that, at least she claimed, there was a likely chance she had not received my messages at all.

She volunteered to contact her mom to inquire and asked her mom to contact me, which I'm currently waiting for. One of the triggers was moving closer to my dad, which caused a series of what if's to spring up again.

I wonder if he doesn't want to hear from me because he thinks I want money, because his mom died and I'm letting him know about the funeral, because he assumes I want to yell at him, or because I need to be bailed out of jail.

Overall, I believe I've had a few moments over the past 8 months where I spent a week or two being terribly anxious and having to wait a handful of days to receive any feedback.

WhatIs_87 wrote:Overall, I believe I've had a few moments over the past 8 months where I spent a week or two being terribly anxious and having to wait a handful of days to receive any feedback.

Okay, so how much longer do you think is reasonable for you to have clarity? Another week? One month? Or is the latest step sister contacting her mother going to be yet another way for you to wait indefinitely?

And certainly the step sister has passed along the crystal clear message that you provided to her, that you don’t need bail money and that all you want is to say hello. Or have you been vague about why you want him to contact you? Why on earth would he think you might need money, unless you have not been clear with your step sister?

I look forward to a month from now you posting about how you finally gained clarity one way or another. If you haven’t gotten clarity a month from now it is you creating excuses. You realize that I hope.

I don't know, but hopefully sooner rather than later, as the stress has been unbearable.

The current plan is wait until after 4th of July then circle back if I haven't received contact.

my sister passed on that I had been trying to contact him. Any reason he hasn't responded is just conjecture.

I am diagnosed with OCD, so I suspect moral scrupulosity coukd be at play. One of my earlier requests was for resources on that topic. Perhaps you have some?

thanks for your engagement with this

WhatIs_87 wrote:...as the stress has been unbearable...is wait until after 4th of July then circle back if I haven't received contact.

So tomorrow you will do what exactly?

I am diagnosed with OCD, so I suspect moral scrupulosity coukd be at play. One of my earlier requests was for resources on that topic. Perhaps you have some?

Don't distract yourself. Stay focused on tomorrow.

Well I was asked to sit and wait until after the 4th of July and a great uncle's 80th surprise birthday party, haha.

I was thinking today I could construct a message for my sister to deliver to her mom. Perhaps a message that asked for some kind of direct yay or nay from my dad.

Do you have any evidence at all that your father wants contact with you? This thread suggests the opposite.

Why are you so determined to have a relationship with someone you've never known, and who is clearly not looking for you?

Nope, only evidence that he did at some point in the past. I can't shake the sense that maybe some level of contact could be good for both of us, but it's mostly personal. I feel like I owe it to myself to know my fear isn't holding me back, and that maybe I can have a fuller understanding of myself by interacting with him in some way.

I understand the concept of unfinished business between men and their fathers. Theoretically, contact with a (possibly shame-filled) father isn't the way. Therapy is.

I recently got a call from a woman who told me that her son had been diagnosed with a strange neurological condition—one the doctors hadn’t seen before. Patients with chronic or perplexing symptoms are often referred to me when inherited family trauma is suspected. The boy slurred his words and dragged his feet as though he were inebriated. The doctors consulting on the case postulated that the boy suffered from a mild cerebral palsy, but they weren’t able to agree on the diagnosis.

I asked the boy’s mother to tell me about the family history. Specifically, I wanted to know more about the boy’s father. “That no good alcoholic,” she said. “I left him as soon as I found out I was pregnant.”

Whether the mother made the right decision in leaving or not, the decision itself came with consequences—consequences she hadn’t connected to her son’s condition. As the story went, the boy had never met his father. Submerged under layers of pain were the vulnerable feelings that had once brought the couple together, and a child into life. As much as the mother had tried to eliminate the father from her world, his presence could be felt in the next generation. A strange symmetry now linked father and son together. The boy’s condition appeared to mimic the very alcoholic behaviors that his mother had rejected. The slurred speech and dragging feet of the drunken father—were now the only way the father and son remained connected. ~ https://www.markwolynn.com/the-legacy-o ... -business/

That's the most dramatic example of epigenetics I'v heard of.

I need to look up therapists to meet online. Do you have any recommendations, or categories I should appeal to in my search for one?

Look in your area and pick whatever feels right.

It's now July 6th. What actions have you taken to gain clarity?

Good morning,

I contacted my sister again on Saturday, and she offered to do a mass email but she said I may not get a reply. She said she needed to think about whether I could probe for a yes or no.

Sunday I meditated a bit and I realized I was conflating wanting a relationship with my dad and wanting to challenge him and me on some front. Based on that realization, my sense of obligation and stress level went way down.

Today, I'm still feeling some sense of a burden, so I'm going to pursue more therapy online and journal a bit to see what would be fruitful for me to do moving forward.

WhatIs_87 wrote:I contacted my sister again on Saturday, and she offered to do a mass email but she said I may not get a reply. She said she needed to think about whether I could probe for a yes or no.

So no email actually sent and she needs to "think". In other words, no actual actions or progress in contacting your father. Just more discussions with a sister that has made excuse after excuse for why this man is "forgetful" or "reluctant" or whatever.

When, specifically what date will you take action other than talking to this sister? When will you step up and send a certified letter or hire a 3rd party to deliver a message directly to this man?

On one hand you claim it causes you such agony and/or stress, but on the other hand you don't actively pursue clarity. Instead, you half-heartedly work at it and then distract yourself with "journaling" or reflection, or seeking out psychological concepts to delve into. Stop it. Focus.

Hi Richard,

I sent a text to my dads real number a few weeks ago, and it was marked as read. My understanding of mail services are that he coukd deny or accept and not actually read it anyways. Im unaware what a private detective could do outside of verifying his info action or address.