So tired of being this unhappy.

**Posts:** 21 · by **heatqueen** » Thu Mar 10, 2016 8:28 pm

Hey there.

It's been a while since I last posted on this forum. The last (and only) time, I was in the middle of making career decisions and was struggling. Now, a year later, I'm struggling again, for similar reasons.

I spend nearly every day just trying to get through the day, finding little to no satisfaction in anything. My performance at work is affected by my confidence, and vice versa - it is a vicious cycle that seems to plague me. I spend a lot of time breaking down or trying not to break down, or generally feeling angry and/or indifferent. Sometimes it feels like I cannot find a scrap of happiness and when I do, I have to cling desperately onto it because such a feeling might not come along again.

I don't have depression or anything like that. My moods are not random, but very definitely affected by my job. I work at a place that I hate, in a destructive, disorganised environment. My only reprieve is that the rest of the staff are actually really nice. But the work itself is horrible and I can hardly bear it. A lot of the time I don't even see the point in coming in because I feel as though I'm going to accomplish nothing.

I know this is somewhere I need to get out of. Technically I'm supposed to stay until the end of the year but I keep considering the idea of leaving at Easter instead. It's actually past the deadline for handing in notice, but I doubt this place would care, people leave all the time because it's so horrible there. I keep putting off making this decision, and any other important life decisions (such as what I'm going to do next year to make a living).

I'm 23 years old and am supposed to be an adult and do adult-y things like making adult decisions, but I can't seem to live the adult life. I'm horrible at it and feel as though I'm letting people down, especially my family, who thought I was becoming independent having a job etc.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Thu Mar 10, 2016 8:38 pm

What career do you want to pursue? It is hard to make decisions, it is hard to get motivated if you don't even know where you want to go.

**Posts:** 21 · by **heatqueen** » Thu Mar 10, 2016 9:26 pm

My life ambition is to pursue music.

Let's go back a couple of years ago to explain. I did music at university, and graduated. And realised from that moment on that I didn't have a clue what to do next. For a while I felt stuck, but knew I needed to move forward in some way. So I got some work experience and applied for teacher training. I have since qualified and am now working as a music teacher.

Let me make this clear: Teaching has never been my long term ambition. But in a place when I was feeling stuck, making a decision on a job to pursue was better than making no decision at all, and remaining stuck. At the time, I figured I could at least make a salary while still remaining involved in music; and in the meantime figure out the rest of my life.

However, it hasn't worked out that way at all. Last year, while I was doing the teacher training, I found myself full of doubts. I struggled with the course as my lack of confidence made me nervous. I questioned everything and nearly dropped the course entirely. However I persevered and completed the training, and eventually got a job.

At this point things seemed to be getting better. But then I started the job. A short while in, my confidence started to crash again. The school in which I work is not an easy place to be. The kids are labelled as 'challenging.' They make life hell and give you loads of crap and then blame you for everything. Many of them are not nice to be around and I find myself dreading my classes. Not because I'm nervous anymore, but because I have simply lost any desire to put up with all of that stuff. A lot of the time, I wonder why I bother when it seems so utterly pointless.

Anyway, the fact is, any desire I once had to teach has now completely disappeared. I do not like my job and will definitely leave by the end of the academic year, though secretly I would love to leave at Easter and never come back.

The trouble is, I'm not entirely sure what to do next. I have thoughts and ideas but can't seem to form any coherent plan or make a solid decision. My thoughts grapple around the idea of composing for the screen, or music production work. But anything I think of seems out of my reach and I am frightened of putting myself out there; like I'm just wasting more time when I should have really accomplished a lot more at this stage of my life.

All of this has caused me to become a rather difficult person to be around. It's hard to fake cheerfulness when I feel dead on the inside, and all too easy to become snappy and irritated over small things. I feel as though I can't really talk about how I feel because no one will understand. For some reason whenever I display emotions about anything, it's my fault in some way or another. Either I'm being pathetic or childish or ungrateful, or I'm not thinking about anyone else but myself.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Thu Mar 10, 2016 9:42 pm

heatqueen wrote:The trouble is, I'm not entirely sure what to do next. I have thoughts and ideas but can't seem to form any coherent plan or make a solid decision. My thoughts grapple around the idea of composing for the screen, or music production work. But anything I think of seems out of my reach and I am frightened of putting myself out there; like I'm just wasting more time when I should have really accomplished a lot more at this stage of my life.

Life is not about how much you accomplish. It is about helping others and if you can do that through music then great. If your focus is on you and pleasing your own ears with your music then you will most likely continue to mentally find it challenging to be happy.

If on the other hand you honestly want others to enjoy your music, then you can be happy starting off as a street performer working for tips. If this frightens you, well that is the challenge for you to face. It is this fear that most likely becomes interpreted as you being selfish and childish. Note, I'm not saying you are selfish and childish, rather it is the perception based on your fear.

**Posts:** 263 · by **handheart** » Fri Mar 18, 2016 5:21 am

Well very nice because you have a job but lets tell you something ,ufortunately are many many people in this world with this situation and people hating these jobs.I think a major problem its that people work what they do not like .If you make something that you dont like you will get stresed and later on sad confuse etc.I would say to not disperate so much and analize very good your life ,and never be focused at only a job ,find somewhere else

So tired of being this unhappy.

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