Uncontrollable anger

Dear YRGgy,

Wow! what a Great Post. Usually we get such insufficient info from People. But you have really given us the Stuff we need to Work With.

But Working with even Great and Sufficient Info takes time.

So let me Cut and Paste your Post into a Word Doc and then I can read it over and 'answer, edit, answer, edit..' until I have something to post back...okay?

hang in there.

.... I'm Back... Now where is that PASTE key???

Dear Yrggie (may I call you that?),

First, I wish to say that it is so good that you KNOW that you have an Anger Problem, especially since you are still young enough to deal with it before it becomes a Life Long Career and Relationship Problem. You will certainly be able to learn how to handle it, if you apply yourself to the task sufficiently. It may take up some of your busy schedule, at first, but after a while Anger Management resolves into short daily awareness exercises just to keep you alert and on top of things.

You mention your father’s anger. Yes, genetics may play a part in it, but there is also the influence your father had over you as having been a Role Model for Adult Behavior since, well, FOREVER. It is GOOD that you see that HE has a problem. That is VERY important, and I can give you an example as to why. I know these two men – Identical Twin Brothers. One went into Anger Management decades ago, and now is TOTALLY Unflappable… Invariably Polite… congenial and smiling even when people are rude. This guy should be a Diplomat. His brother, on the other hand, is proud, opinionate, surly and continuously obnoxious. To him everything is screwed up, and everyone but him is stupid. Well, I talked to the Civilized Brother about this Contrast between their two patterns of Behavior, and he tells me that their Father was almost nearly as bad as his brother is now. He himself saw that his father’s behavior was bad, and when he found himself partaking in similar patterns of behavior, he sought help. The Bad Brother, on the other hand, thinks that their Father was GREAT… “He Taught Me Everything I Know”… Sad, isn’t it? Anyway, the Kind of Energy and Keen Thoughtfulness that Supports very Obnoxious and Critical People can be HARNESSED and be turned to GOOD. Look at the Behavior of the Good Twin – he uses his Energy and Insight NOT to Find Problems and Complain and Criticize, but to look at people empathetically to determine how best to put them at their ease. For his own comfort he has conditioned himself to ignore the kinds of discomforts that only become worse by Thinking about them. For instance, in a clumsy moment while walking backwards saying goodbye to somebody else, I accidentally stepped on this Good Twin’s foot. He YELPED in Pain! I turned to him quickly, horrified and aghast at what I had done. There were already, of the instant, tears of pain in this good man’s eyes. But HE saw what I was FEELING and instantly put on a smile and said that ‘oh, no, it’s not YOU… I had dropped an exercise weight on my foot the other day and bruised the toe nail and so it is still a bit sensitive… not to worry, not at all…” Wow! This would have been a Perfect Opportunity for an Angry Person to get angry, don’t you think? But after Years of Practice not even a Painful Surprise jumping out at him like that could shake a negative word from his lips. So, indeed, Anger Management does work.

Now, about your Boyfriend. Here we are conflicted. You see, when anything is Really Important, then it becomes reasonable to say or show how we feel about it. Of course, the Greater Wisdom is in Discretion in regards to the Little Things. People with Very High Aesthetic, Social and Moral Standards simply have to learn to have Patience with a Largely Imperfect World. So in regards to all the little trivial deficits – learn to Smile Bemusedly … to those in the Know, it MEANS the same thing as a FROWN, but it is so much more Civilized, don’t you think? But, that being said. Sometimes what Friends and Family DO does indeed Cross the Line. People we like may do Unacceptable Things. Now, yes, in regards to Anger Management, we must NEVER make a big Scene, but we CAN show our displeasure. The Etiquette Columnist Miss Manners used to talk about giving people “the look”. In many ways your Boy Friend is NOT treating you as you would expect to be treated. Personally I would suggest you dump him, unless you like Self-absorbed Men who treat you as peripheral and secondary. That IS why you are so annoyed with him, isn’t it?

But in all of the other Details that you described as indicating your propensity toward Anger… well, YES, you were right on! You DO have a problem.

And, yes, much of your problem can be traced to the Adult Role Models in your life as you were growing up. You see, in EVERY CASE you mentioned, you did not have to Think at All about how to behave or what to say, because, YOU ALREADY KNEW what to do or say – it is How you are Conditioned. I know that you are NOT an Angry Person in your heart of hearts, BUT you are simply Habitually Angry. It’s the kind of Behavior that you learned at the same time you learned to walk and to use the Queen’s English. You do it all out of reflex, no? Well, with proper application you can UN-Learn all of that. It might take a while, but look at how Young you are. You have plenty of time to become the Person you Should Be.

Well, if you have the time and money you can go to any highly recommended Anger Management Psychologist… they usually do Marriage Counselling too… maybe you could get a Two For One Sale… The Psychologists and the Insurance Companies usually recommend about 10 Sessions… one each week or two. But if you don’t have the Time or Money for that, well, the Self Help Anger Management books are getting better and better… they are nearly all influenced by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques – very successful protocols! Look On Line and read the Reviews. One of my favorites is Anger Management by Peter Favaro – detailed and well organized.

Anyway, good luck. Oh, and do let me know if I forgot to say anything that I should have…

Our experience of the world is massively influenced by our choices.

May I ask you some questions?

Are you eating the right amount of healthy food?

Are you drinking the right amount of healthy drinks?

Are you taking the right amount of healthy exercise?

Are you getting a good balance between work, rest and play?

Are you able to forgive easily?

Are you able to trust your intuition?

Are you grateful for the comforts other people bring to your life?