Anxiety and Love

Hello! It's so nice to hear someone that has overcome this anxiety. So happy for you.

Soph123, would you mind sharing some of your story with us?

Yeah no problem. Basically I had this throught "do I even love him?" And I started questioning it. Saying to myself do I love him? How do I know? I don't feel anything for him? I don't want to be around him. Thoughts like that. I used a website to help me through the anxiety. Am I allowed to say the website on this forum that helped me?

Yes if you can, that would be beneficial for us all. Also, would you say it took you 2 years roughly to get over everything? And do you still get those thoughts?

Ok so what really helped me was a website called conscious transitions ran by Sheryl Paul. She is amazing and has a blog where she posts different things like relationship anxiety. If you google her name and website it should come up. if you want her article that explains relationship anxiety it is called "the initiation of relationship anxiety". Just type it into google and it should come up. She also has a course you can buy to help you work through the anxiety and understand why you have it, I would definitely recommend buying it. I would say when I think about it my anxiety lasted for 1 year and 4 months. It's is because I know how to deal with it now and don't let it control me. But it is different for different people. Her website and course is what helped me. Seriously take it into consideration. I randomly came across this forum and just had to write something to let everyone know!

Or another article she has wrote is relationship anxiety: fear eyes or clear eyes. It is a very good article as well. It really helped me see I wasn't alone in this.

That is really helpful, actually. I've been trying to cope with this on my own kinda. I think this could be what will help, I really hope so. Thank you so much!

Soph123 it's funny you mention that because I did purchase the course, but then I didn't end up going through it and just thought it wouldn't work for me. Sheryl talks a lot of you having to do your own work personally to come through it.. is that what you did? Maybe I should actually focus on the course.

Oh really that's great! Yeah so I did the course and was on the forum. I never really wrote anything but just read through older members posts. Yeah well I practiced mindfullness which helped and also really kept reminding myself the truth about love. Every time I had a thought come into my head I just said "right I'm going to focus on something else". Even like washing the dishes! I was just concentrating on other things. Try not to keep questioning yourself and every time you have a thought say so what?! And concentrate on something else. It takes a while to get used to but it really helped me get out of my head. You really need to get out of your head and don't feed the thoughts! Just remind yourself love is not a feeling. Sometimes you'll feel happy sometimes you'll feel nothing! Completely normal!

How often would you get those thoughts? I get them ALL the time and that's what makes me nervous that I'll never get better.

I feel like I may have been feeling a little better, just on my own as labeling this as anxiety. But when I start to feel better all I think to myself is "what if I'm just pushing down this feeling, what if it's not actually going away" and then I saw my therapist today and she asked me if I knew what the difference between anxiety and a gut feeling would be. And I really don't know, and I'm in a bad place again. I don't understand how to get out of this rut, if its real or not. I feel so terrible.

When you mean labelling it as anxiety. How do you do it? Everytime a thought comes up?

Yeah, I guess every time I feel it I just label it in my mind as anxiety. I’m getting discouraged because I don’t know how I’ll ever be normal again. I keep feeling this way, I wake up with a tight and painful chest every morning. When I finally feel a little better, I try to see if there’s any bad feelings left, and I’m always finding it underlying. It’s like I can’t be comfortable. My boyfriend has been away on army orders for this month and when I talk to him on the phone, most of the time I forget my anxiety. But I’m afraid that all of this has changed something in my mind, I think I’m scared of being close with him now. I really just want him home so I can tell him everything, that usually helps, but I’m terrified that this time it won’t.

Rnsm I used to have the thoughts all the time until I finally just started focusing on other things and basically resisted the urge to think about them. BriKH the fact you feel better when you label it as anxiety is showing you don't want to leave your relationship. The 'what if' thoughts are trying to draw you into to obsessively think again and spiral. Just ignore them it works! I had them thoughts too! Also you said when you feel better you checked to see if you had any bad feelings. Don't check to see if you feel anything. Sheryl talks about 'checking' and how it causes you to spiral. It's a classic symptom of relationship anxiety.
Overall just focus on loving your boyfriend even if you feel nothing for him. When you start to do that you will gradually start living in the present. When your always having these thoughts you are not present with him so your not going to feel good. It would be the same with anyone. It is relationship anxiety and you will get through it! Don't question the thoughts and spiral into them. Every time you have a thought stop it in its tracks!! Start counting up to 100, picture a stop sign, just take your attention away from the thought!

Hello! Anxiety bucket I know it’s been 7 years and I went through someting similar 6 years ago and I let my anxiety take over and broke up with this person. I’m not here 6 years later going thought the same thing again. Can you tell me if you were able to overcome that fear and anxiety? I’m planning on going on medication because I can’t sleep. My panic attacks are so much. And i fear and fear I can’t control my mind. Hope to hear a reply from you