by Leo Volont » Mon Jul 24, 2017 2:19 am
Dear Undia,
Welcome to the Forum. Let’s see what we can do a about your Anger. First, we can put it into perspective. Maybe you already know that Growing Up, that is the Time before going off to College, is often the worst Time in people’s lives. The Seemingly Arbitrary Demands of Parents and the Unrestrained Annoyances and Provocations from Siblings can make Life a Virtual Hell. In your case you have a Sister who is apparently perceived by your Parents to be Significantly more Worrisome than yourself. You might Think that your Parents are Favoring Her, but they are actually Favoring You, by placing their Trust and Reliance in you, and that means they think you are Capable of Living Up to that Trust. They see you as the Good and Solid One. You should appreciate that. They certainly do not Trust in your Sister. With your Sister they are only trying to Limit the Damage, and Bide their Time until some Miracle gets her out of the House or her Craziness gets her killed somehow, God Forbid. So I am Sure that your Parents are all Stressed out too. But it is difficult to expect You to be somehow automatically Grown up, Philosophical and Mature about it all. Really, we can expect your reaction to be one conditioned by Stress and Animosity – that you would be Angry and act out of Rage. That being said, You Really need to Learn NOW how to deal with this Anger. That is Because the Anger Patterns you set up now will follow you through the Rest of your Life . Every Time you Act Out and Throw a Tantrum, you are in effect Teaching Yourself to React to Any Stress in Life with a Tantrum. Although it is Worst for you Now, you DO Realize that Life will Always come up with its Stressful Moments, and you can’t simply just Flip Out all the Time. Yes, a lot of People DO flip out all the time. That is why we have This Page (Yes, it takes A Lot of Work, but Chronically Angry People can learn how to Re-Condition Themselves to be Calm). Anyway, this Mass of Angry People, who Aren’t Crazy, and who are deemed within the Parameters of Normalacy, end up being held back by this Habit for Getting Angry. Their Detriment is most easily seen in their Career Prospects. They either Get Fired from Jobs, or they are significantly limited in their Careers. You see, Leaders, Administrators, Supervisors, that is, all the people who make Five Figure and Plus Salaries are in effect Filtered for their Temperament. Yes, Being Smart and Capable also Figures into the Equation for Success, but What Nobody but Me will Tell you, is that Temperament is Perhaps the Most Important Ingredient for Getting ahead in Life. “To Go Along you have to Get Along”. I forget who said “The Secret of Success is Just Showing Up”, and that is True, but it only works while you are effectively Allowed In with the Group. If you show Any Sign of a Bad Temperament, the Door will be slammed in your Face. And your Social Life and Relationships Life is the same as for your Career Life. As soon as you are Known to be a Hot Head – even if you just Flip out Once or Twice a Year, your Social and Relationship Options are severally curtailed. You get Dropped from Invitation Lists because people are afraid you will make Scenes at their Parities. You might get some Idiot Man to fall in love with you, but any Man that you would Really Want, will ask around about you and when he learns you are a temperamental Hot Head he will write you off because he ‘has already had enough of crazy chicks’.
But, all That being said, I realize that there will be One Stressor after another, with such a sister and parents leaving you on your own to deal with it. My Situation was not exactly the same as yours, but comparable. What you Need to Know and Do now, until you are Liberated by that effective evacuation off to College, is Realize that your Anger Is Bad and that it is Not Right, and that you Shouldn’t Indulge it. Now there Is a Distinction between Angry Emotions and Angry Behavior. Yes, You have Every Right to Feel Insulted and Annoyed at times. But you need to Realize that in Building a Good Temperament for Yourself, that will be a Lasting Treasure throughout the Rest of Your Life, you need to Develop a Perspective about such Things. Most Importantly, LEARN TO PICK YOUR BATTLES. First Try Not to Flip out about simply Everything. You see, once you learn to Walk Away from one Confrontation, deeming it More Trouble than It is Worth, the Easier it gets to Walk Away from Other Confrontations. After a while you Realize that Explosive Anger Creates so much Painful Turmoil in Your Mind (doesn’t it?) that Nearly Every Provocation is Not Worth Getting Angry Over. Once you Learn how to Pick your Battles, eventually you get to the point where you Don’t Pick ANY Battles. And now I will explain how this is True.
What Fuels your Rage is an Adrenaline Reaction – your Body Pumps out Hormones or whatever they are that make you Grit your Teeth, Cuss and Swear, and Kick and Swing your Arms. In Evolutionary Terms such behavior would be Appropriate when a Big Cat or a Wolf or something came into your hut and tried to snatch your Baby – THEN it would be Entirely Appropriate to Completely Flip Out and Go Berserk. Equally, there were occasions back during Primitive Times when our Species was Evolving, that different Tribal or Clan Groups would see each other as Enemies, and if any of THEM came into your Encampment, then they were there to either Kill You outright, or Steal your Food Stores, which is the same as Killing you, so AGAIN the Appropriate Reaction would be to Completely Flip Out and Go Berserk. Anyway, you probably can pick up on how your Sister Wearing your Jeans is NOT the Same Thing as a Wolf trying to snatch your Baby…. Not the Same as Enemies coming to Rape and Kill you. Indeed, you can probably Discern that Getting Enraged over Just About Anything that you may encounter while Growing Up is simply a Big Over-Reaction.
BUT, Often It Seems Like You have No Control Over It. Most People who Write In about Raging Anger complain that it ‘Just Happens’, that it takes them by Surprise. That is True, up to a Point. You see, that Adrenaline Reaction is Somewhat Automatic. Yes, we can Prime Ourselves for an Adrenaline Release by ‘egging ourselves on’, by ‘stewing and fretting’ and just by constantly Focusing on the Negative, BUT, that being said, the Brain Processes that Turn on the Adrenaline Valve are Subconscious. I read a book about Anger and the Brain (“The Angry Brain” by Ronald Potter-Efron, the Best Author out there for Self Help Anger Management Books) and it states that Adrenaline will have about a 2 or 3 Second Lead on Pumping Adrenaline before we become Consciously Aware of our Raging Anger. WHAT YOU CAN DO about this is Learn to Recognize the Very First Sign of an Adrenaline Rush, so you can Immediately Shut It Off before it gets Going Full Blast. THE VERY FIRST SIGN OF AN ADRENALINE RUSH IS THAT YOUR TEETH WILL CLENCH. One Lady writing in said that She experienced it as Having to Close Her Mouth. WHEN THIS HAPPENS, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS RELAX YOUR JAW MUSCLES, or as that Lady wrote in and told me, all She had to do to Shut Down an Adrenaline Rush was to Open Her Mouth. Some people say they Take a Deep Breath, but as they Do That they Open their Mouths to take the Breath. So Opening the Mouth is What Really Does it. Well, How does that Work? Nowl, remember what that book said, that Rage is set on its Tracks for 2 or 3 Seconds before it Hits Consciousness, so I suppose the Body built in an Emergency Shut Down Switch controllable by the Conscious Mind. It is the Jaw Muscles that are first to React to Adrenaline because they are Closest to the Brain and the Arterial Blood Supplies. If You Perceive that Teeth Clenching, Mouth Closing Reflex as the Onset of a Rage Episode, and Consciously Decide You DO NOT WANT a Rage Episode, simply Opening your Mouth or Relaxing your Jaw Muscles sends the Conscious Message to shut down the Fireworks before they Get Started. Take this Advice Seriously, a Number of Posters to whom I have given the same advice, have written back saying that It Works and that it Works Great!
The only thing you have to do is Catch that First Sign. If you let Adrenaline Pump freely for more than 3 or 4 seconds, then you are lost – you are in that state where you really don’t care if you break the other hand, you know what I mean. So it would be good to Practice with Adrenaline to see what that initial Jaw Tightening Feels Like, so you Know what to look for. I used to practice with a Pin. If you Stab your Hand with a Pin THEN you will experience an Adrenaline Reaction, BUT then I found out that just Preparing to Stab Your Hand with a Pin is Enough to Do the Trick – that it amounts to the Same Thing. So you don’t Really have to Stab your hand with a Pin… you just have to Seriously Threaten to Stab your Hand with a Pin, and then FEEL the Jaw Muscles Tighten Up…. You will See that before you can Jab Yourself with a Pin that YOU HAVE TO CLOSE YOU MOUTH. Once you notice that, then you can practice, relaxing your jaws and opening your mouth and Feel the Adrenaline fade away.
Oh, by the way, Adrenaline is not All Bad. Studies have shown that a little bit of Adrenaline actually Helps in Taking Tests. So when you need to take an important Test in school, well, put a Pin in your lapels and before the Test, Threaten to Stab yourself Really Hard, and feel those Jaw Muscles Tighten Up. NOT TOO MUCH. A Little Adrenaline goes a long way in this regards. Too Much Adrenaline, as you know, fires up an Unthinking Rage. But a little bit of Adrenaline puts you in a State of Mental Alert, and that is where you Want to Be while taking a Test.
One would think that Adrenaline would be Helpful in Sports. Well it Is and it Isn’t. You see to Win in
Sports you have to Score. But Adrenaline is All About Defense. Adrenaline can Keep the Other Team from Scoring but all that Fuming, Cussing and Swearing and Blind Hatred gets in the way of implementing a good Scoring Strategy. In that same book mentioned above, I learned that there are Two Forms of Aggression – Defensive Aggression (Adrenaline Driven) which is sort of Crazy Excited Blind Rage, and there is Predatory Aggression which is characterized by Intensity of Focus and which is actually Calm in the Emotional Sense – like a Leopard in the Jungle stalking up on a Deer;, it is crouched and focused, with eyes on Target. You might see the Same Thing if you go to your School’s Sports Events. The Winning Team will be Focused and Calm, scoring Point after Point. The Losing Team, put on the Defensive will become Excited and Emotional… even the Coach might begin Cussing and Swearing! Now in Football, where you have One Set of Guys for the Offence and Another Set of Guys for the Defense, you can Get the Best of Both Worlds – put the Calm and Focused Guys in the Offensive Squad, and all the Hot Heads on the Defense.
Oh, one last Piece of Advice. I am sure you are a Perfect Lady, BUT at times you may be So Stressed Out that you yourself are tempted to Cuss and Swear. DON’T. For Some Reason it is Almost Impossible to Get a Good Rage Going if you don’t whip yourself up by Cussing and Swearing. Also, when it comes to Other People Knowing that you are Angry, the Greatest Tip Off is that you begin to use Fowl Language. You could be as Mad as Hell, pacing back and forth and Red as a Beat, and People will still think that you are Calm and Controlled, until you let Fly with the Dirty Words and start Punching and Kicking things. This Becomes Important in the Career Field where People get “Written Up” for their Anger (which they call “Hostility or Violence In the Workplace”). They Have To Look for Certain Objective Criteria in order to Write Anybody Up, and one of those Criteria is Foul and Threatening Language, SO if you Learn Never to Cuss, you will Never go over THAT Line. Also, remember what I said before, that while an Adrenaline Release is Subconscious, we can Prep for It by riling ourselves up with Negative Thinking, and the Worst Negative Thinking is Done with Cuss Words. By Using Cuss Words you are in Effect Signaling your Subconscious Mind that you are Ready To Go, Ready to Flip Out and Go Crazy, which you really don’t want do, do you? SO, actually BE a Perfect Lady, and Do Not Cuss and Swear, and don’t even use that Language in your Thinking. And, yes, I tell the Guys the Very Same Thing. Cussing is Low Class. Most of your Top Salaried People don’t cuss and swear. They get the Big Bucks because they are Known to be Calm and Focused… like that Leopard in the Jungle. And there is no Big Cat more beautiful than the Leopard, is there?
Anyway, Undia, let me know if any of this Advice seems to ring true for you.