by admmck81 » Tue Apr 09, 2019 2:24 pm
Ok, so I have a rather irrational anxiety I have been trying to eliminate for years. That is that I'll be exposed as being a fraud, like I'm not who I say I am, that I'm trying to pull a fast one on people. I don't really understand this at all. It may stem back to when I really struggled with my own identity. I was always the boyfriend or the husband. My friendships were shared with my significant other. When relationships ended, so did friendships. I have to admit, even today I struggle to really know who I am. I don't even know what to say when I tell people about myself. I always feel like I have to make up a story, like anything I say can't possibly be true. Even when it really is true. This may be at least in part due to very low self esteem. There was a point that if I had to list words I'd use to describe myself, the negatives far outnumbered the positives. That may still be true to this day. The list fluctuates, but I've noticed that when I get stressed and start to veer towards depression again, you can guess which direction that list is fluctuating. There are times I'm fully confident in myself and my abilities, and others where, once again, I feel like I've tricked people into believing certain things about myself. Again, this is completely irrational, and the moment I realized that was a moment of tremendous personal growth. But here I am, years after having that epiphany, and I still feel the same way from time to time. I've always had anxiety about being seen for how I see myself, like people see the insecure little boy I still believe myself to be, even as an occasionally self-confident adult. It feels like they are prying into my very soul and seeing everything I hate about myself, and it makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. As you can imagine, it is very difficult to believe any positive things I tell people about myself when I think this way. I've seen therapists about this, and I have definitely made headway in countering it. I used to sink into despair when these thoughts entered my head. And as sure as the sun would rise tomorrow, those negative thoughts always showed up when I had the time to think. Even when I wasn't trying to think those things, the thoughts would always show up. I'm here because it's starting to happen again. I haven't started sinking into despair, but the negative thoughts are surfacing again. I don't know what to do. This anxiety has kept me from living the life I want to for so long. It has kept me from applying for good jobs. It has kept me from approaching attractive women. It has made me terrified to ever be responsible for the life and well-being of another. I don't know what to do. Therapy has only done so much, and I need more direction because my internal compass tends to lead me in circles.