One more stupid angry episode

Hi angrywife.

Well one thing is for sure, you cant carry on feeling the way you do. Do you talk to your husband about the affect that this has on you? Is there no way that the pair of you can move out and be on your own? If not, could you move in with your family or even friends for a while?

The trouble with harbouring resentment is it doesnt go, it just festers until something errupts. If they are not helping you TELL THEM! If they are being intrusive TELL THEM! You must speak up or it will continue and your situation in this house will continue to be unbearable.

Certainly you should sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him that you love him but this situation is going to destroy your relationship unless you both move out and have your own space and in the interim - he gives you more support, both emotionally and physically

Thanks, Megan.

I have talked to my husband about a few such episodes, and you know what happens? It weighs on his mind, and then when he does say something it makes him look bad in front of his family. I know he is trying to improve my situation, but I feel like I am the villain, making him the bad guy to make things better for me.

Anyways, here's what happened yesterday. My brother-in-law's wife(SIL) is the one trying to drive a wedge between me and the whole family, particularly wants MIL for herself. She always talks about me like I am at fault about something in front of one and all(make me look inefficient, unfeeling or irresponsible in some way). Even worse, she claims credit for the things I do.
We just moved to a new house, and we are still trying to figure out the area and whereabouts. So yesterday, I found out the number for Pizza Hut, called them, ordered, went 10 miles away to pick it up, and returned after paying a hefty $60. Now, for anyone saying that the pizza is good, or that they are glad there's enough to go around for everybody, she said again and again, "Thats why I(operative word!) ordered so many!!)"

And I am going, in my head, like, "Hello, what did you do?" At this point, for something trivial like this, if I said something like, " You mean you ordered or I ordered,"...Everyone would think I am petty and I am the one trying to claim credit, even tho its the things I did do.

I don't know if I am making sense here. Its just that my SIL has a lot of tact, and she will say anything without looking like she is trying to put me down. And when I try to say something, being the tactless straightforward person I am, I end up looking like I am trying to insult someone!! My MIL has always sided with my SIL, for whatever reason, and will even lie in front of the family to make sure I take the blame and SIL is free. If she does make a mistake in front of everyone, they just shoo it off, human nature after all. And if I do, they remember it for decades.

Anyways, thats it in a nutshell, I live in an unfair family, and I don't seem to be able to defend myself and live in perpetual anxiety, sadness and anger. I believe I might have said something similar in another post, and I thought I had my emotions under control, but every now and then, I am SO bugged by the way they behave! Everyone just looks on, while my SIL says stupid things, does stupid things, she's a friggin politician! And then my MIL backs her up too! Hate them both!!

I want so much to move out. but we just bought this house with the intention of living together(My MIL's idea of us buying a house for the brother -the day we signed the papers she said, you never know, hubby and I might have to move elsewhere - so basically house is all there for BIL and fly. while we pay mortgage! SICK, I tell ya)

All along, SIL asks if I need help with something in front of everybody, and when I am actually working, she will pass me by without lifting a finger to help. I hate them all bcos with them its all talk and show and it certainly doesn't reflect in their actions/behavior.
Now having a huge stake in the house, and bound by tradition to this crazy family, there are no prospects of us moving out at this time. Unless I leave my husband, which I have decided I don't want to do, I love him.

Just nice to vent here, and more importantly, was wondering if anyone could tell me how I can cleanse my resentful heart!

Megan, I do remember you telling me that I need to TELL THEM! You are so right, no one knows whats going on in your head until you speak up. But, I just can't summon up the courage. SIL's parents are here to visit, husband's parents, living with us, BIL's family, all 24-hrs around me, and I am afraid to look impertinent or disrespectful, even tho thats not what I am trying to do. Just need some space and some fairness here!

Megan, I am going to tell myself everyday to be a little more brave, and maybe I 'll be able to speak up for myself. Thanks for the advice again.

hello there,

i feel it might be a good idea to put yourself first for a change before this gets worse. it sounds like you are being put upon, i'm sure anyone in your situation would feel the same way as you do now, it is unfair what is going on but until you stand up & realise that your own happiness has to come first, not theirs i don't think things are going to improve for you. i have had similar experiences to you & it is very difficult to put yourself first but there comes a time when you have to stop kidding yourself. have you considered counselling, i think you need some where to go where you can be yourself or let off, not just here but in everyday life as the anger will not go away until you have addressed what is really going on here. i think you are far too giving & they are taking too much from you, it sounds like you are suppressing your anger, trying to be something that you are not which is not healthy for you. i think it is also wrong of your husband to put you in these situations, he is being very unfair to expect you to put up with his families shitty behaviour. i understand that you love your husband & don't want to leave but i think you deserve a break to get your head in order. do you have any family or friends you can go stay with for a while?

take care of you xxx

Thanks, changing. You are right. I do relaise there are times when I will not even defend myself, and give up the name of the real 'offender' or person to blame, only because I instantly think of how the other person will feel, even tho they are responsible for what happened. Like my hubby was dismayed to see that his precious crystal glass set had one missing. I couldn't speak up and say that his brother had broken it, along with some others! Now everyone thinks I broke it bcos I didn't pack it well enough when moving...

I just feel that I have been seasoned to put others first, and even if I do think about myself, I just don't have the guts to do anything about it! One scenario from yesterday( I have several things for every single day!): I had gifted my BIL/SIL a big food processor for them to use when they were in another state for a short-term project. She broke the jar, threw away the whole box, and when it came up in conversation yesterday, my MIL knew nothing about it. My SIL quickly changed the subject. We have done so much for them in the past, monetary , moral and every other way. We have supported them when money was tight, when they had health problems, took them in when they were out of a job for a year and a half. Plus everything we do as a bigger family now - its a whole household we run together (And let me not forget, for some reason, we are paying all the bills, except the mortgage that we split!!)
Now, I am not one to say ' I gave her this, that, and the other'. But surely she shouldn't be trying very consciously to avoid letting anyone know. After everything we have done and given them. My MIL rigidly stays by her side, for what reason, I do NOT know. Because she is a lazy, conniving, mean lady - I don't know how I can go on living with these people knowing every minute that I cannot trust anything they say or do!

Yesterday, I was at work from 6.30 to 6.30. I cooked dinner, cleaned out the kitchen, did the dishes, while managing my laundry on the side, going up and down the stairs, and she is out in the garden just talking to her parents, on the swing, pretending to keep busy watering the plants( we have sprinklers, for god's sake). Then my MIL says she wants to go out, and she tells me cos she knows only I would take her at 8.30pm! They USE me!! They HURT me! Anyways, active me, takes them out to store, returns at 10.00. Husband walks in now. I am busy trying to lock all doors, windows, etc, brush my teeth , change, get ready to go to sleep. Of course I dodn;t even have the time to take a short walk in the whole day. And even as I get some food ready for lunch the next day, now my SIL is busy playing with her kid(awake till late due to vacation). SO its not like I can say anything here bcos she is busy doing something, but I am doing all the hard work here! And then she will place her words carefully to squeeze her name in wherever she can to say she did something, etc.

Today in my lunch break, I go to the Post office, the bank, get milk, bread the basic stuff from a grocery store. Then when I go home, same old story, and I am dead tired at the end of the day. Of course, I have no time for my husband or myself. Nials/Hair done, shopping, exercise, etc are all part of another world!

My fault is I have never dealt with stubborn lazy, biased people before, and I have never felt the need to toot my own horn, ever, don't know how, and I am a generally quiet person. So I wouldn't go around the house complaining about a little backache, etc. If I could tell you how much my MIL has hurt me with her words, and her treatment towards me. She wants to "Divide and Rule". Makes sure she gets what she wants from each one of us, with us trying to be in her good books.

With every lying, taking credit, twisting/omission of facts event, I am shocked at the extent to which my SIL will go without any regards for my existence or my feelings. How anyone can be so self-centered is beyond me.

My husband just took up a new job close to the new home, and its with a heavy heart that I accept the fact that I am stuck in this house for the longest time. I am such a timid person(and I am not proud of it) that I can only cry about something or the other everyday. I also hate thinking that I am in this position where people manipulate me and attack me all the time. I don't have the guts to speak up to defend myself. I always decide in my angry moments that I will speak up the next time. But its only later that I even know what I could have said, etc. At that time, I am speechless. I used to crave their approval and their acceptance, but now I just want to be able to live in peace.

Sorry this is so long. If you did get so far, please tell me what kind of counseling I should seek, as in who should I see - a therapist/psychologist??
By the way, I am also seeing a doctor because I am having trouble conceiving, been married seven years now, and I think thats just making me feel even worse.

So, thanks for letting me unload, and as I have promised before, I shall try to summon up the courage to speak up for myself. I have always been very confident and a real go-getter. I hate this family for making a mouse out of me. I know a lot of you must think I must have done something to have incurred their disapproval. The truth is I don't flatter or sweet-talk, and I don't sit down and bitch about the world. I can do any amount of work, I am always enthusiastic about everything, no matter how tired I am. I am always ambitious about getting the most out of every day. And I know who I am and what I want, I just can't express it well. And for that they have out-lawed me!

Well, thank God this post is done with for today. Of course, I could write a whole new novel, but I am tired, and I gotta get back to work, break's over!
Thanks for listening again.

hey you,

i never thought for one minute that you had done anything wrong to warrant that kind of treatment from those selfish people. i am amazed you are still standing, where do you get all the energy to do all those things for all of those people. i think may be stress can prevent you from conceiving, not 100% but i'm sure it won't help. i admire your determination to not let them get you down, its wonderful to see how much love you have for your husband to put him & his family first but i still feel it would be very beneficial for you to makes steps to summon up the courage to put yourself first. you are number 1, you are important, you are a strong, kind, caring, loving (i could be here for a while writing down what i can see positive about you) woman you deserve more than this. i'm not really qualified to say what counselling/therapy you need but i thought may be anger management would help you because you mentioned that you had been experiencing it a lot lately. i think a self-confidence course could help or a course where you could learn to assert yourself, making sure you get what you want & need. there is a free self confidence course on this website, i will go look for the link for you. i'm sure one of the mods or more qualified members of the forum might be able to recommend alternatives for you.

if you don't feel comfortable taking time out may be try getting yourself pampered, you mentioned that you don't have time to do nails etc, would it be possible for you to get to a beauty salon & go get a massage, manicure, may be a haircut, so as to focus on you for a while? i think some time on your own treating yourself will boost your confidence. i can't tell you how great i feel when i've had a haircut it does wonders for me, gives me that little lift to help me on my way for a while.

the things you speak of again are very familiar to me, i've been through a lot in my life & was a 'yes' person for a long time. for me eventually something had to give, i was extremely unhappy & became very ill. if you want change you can have it but you must want to change, only when you are ready & it takes practice, it took me a while to get used to it & others got grumpy with me because i wasn't running around sorting out their needs, i was taking care of myself for a change. it must be real nice for these people to have you around but it is very obvious that they are taking advantage of you, you wouldn't do it to them so why let them do it to you?

i apologise if i am being blunt but i now how it feels to be constantly put upon, you deserve so much more than this, you are a good person, remember that. whatever you decide to do you know this place is here for you to come & express your feelings, people will always pop by to listen & support you when they can.

take care of yourself, thinking of you, love&peace xxx

You have so much going for you as you have described in the posts above, everything you need is on the inside. There are groups where you can talk to like minded people about things that are bothering you, and there are also people who can set out maps for you to follow which will slowly help build the confidence you need to stand up to the other family members. A good husband should be very understanding and open minded to your issues, so i think he is the one person you need to convince and all others will follow suit. Have you looked around the internet for any particular advice to do with this subject as you may find it helpful. I set myself little targets for each week as a way to build my confidence, i find it is amazing how much better i feel if i achieve at least some of them. Just talking about it helps or even writing in a diary each day is very soothing. Good luck.

Yes, its time for me to think about myself for a change. And you are so right, its gonna take time and effort.

I actually used to keep a diary of everyday events, bcos I thought that would be a good way to vent. But turned out writing was difficult cos I would be mad, sad, upset about something that day, and while writing it down, my thoughts would take me so fast thru the day's events, my feelings towards those people and then lead me on to past experiences and the amount of hurt and distrust I feel. Of course, I end up not being to express all of it on paper, so it doesn't read right. And because the diary isn't "alive", it doesn't respond in any way, I started to feel like its not making much of a difference.

However, when we moved recently, I took my diary and read thru it. I was horrified to see that my life was nothing like I had always imagined it would be. Instead of being a young, carefree, happy, twenty-something gal, I am actually like an old, tired, defeated woman! I felt hurt, at the same time, I felt like my mind was so drowned in this daily rubbish that there was nothing good left in me. Except for the few times I mentioned how much I love my husband( the reason I have continued with my marriage) and my mom(who always loves and supports me), I was nothing but a whining loser!
I hated that diary and the person in it so much that I tossed it.

Since then, I haven't had a daily diary.

But thanks for the input. I will keep you posted on future events and my progress I am going to look into the self confidence course right now. Again if anyone knows of counselor websites, or other places that can help, please do let me know. I have taken up a few yoga exercises in the morning - that is time I have for myself, and makes me feel good. I am also going to try and squeeze in a manicure/pedicure or beautician appmt. into my work day as soon as it becomes possible. So much I want to do, lets see how it goes...

Maybe you should go on strike. Leave the dishes in the sink and see if anyone else does them. Don't run errands or act chauffeur - say "I prefer not to." Don't offer any reason or excuse except that. Cultivate a Mona Lisa smile. And then see what happens.

Shirls wrote:Maybe you should go on strike. Leave the dishes in the sink and see if anyone else does them. Don't run errands or act chauffeur - say "I prefer not to." Don't offer any reason or excuse except that. Cultivate a Mona Lisa smile. And then see what happens.

yep that sounds like a good idea shirls, its about time they started to pull their own weight. still its easier said than done. i look back now & see how much better my life is, how more fulfilled i am in putting myself first, if you stick to your guns eventually people come round to the idea as they can see you mean business & they can't play with you like that anymore. heres that link for the self confidence course -

http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/self.html

take care of you & let us know how you're doing, love&peace

Here's the thing: the strike action should make things uncomfortable enough for the others to be jolted into negotiation. Then maybe family meetings could be held where the tasks are agreed on and rostered. After all, with so many people living together by choice, they should see it is necessary. That way no one need feel guilty or put upon.