Morphinexyzz wrote:Thanks Mr. Volont for all you've said. Matured and explainable words from you. Well, the truth is imI have this "paranoid" and "trust problems" thing in myself so if I get filled with mixed emotions I'll suddenly blow up and boom! The reaso why I hit myself or head. And its because he didn't understand the way I want like some of girls or women has this kind of "girl instincts". He must understand my feelings like if I don't want him to do that, or do that, there etc. because I'm scared... Boys break promises... And the fact that he is still immature... That is difficult huh.. Also I can't even treat my depression easily myself.. These things trigger when I sees some reflections from my ex or past that my present boyfriend always did this or that.. Sorry hope you understand... I'm hopeless i guess.. Like i should look for some psychiatrist or i dont know..
Dear Morphine… No No No No… you are certainly not Hopeless, but you DO present a rather challenging Case. Oh, and thank you for calling me ‘Mr. Volont’ (mostly, people, a fraction of my age, simply take off calling me ‘Leo’, and I have never complained about it, but I DO recognize your respect in calling me ‘Mr. Volont’ … it is quite charming and rather lady-like…. very endearing as a matter of fact …. I really can’t remember if anybody had ever shown me that kind of respect before. But this is one indication that you have Very Good Civilized Instincts. Our job now is to apply them where they will do you the most good.
Now the first thing we have to deal with is that you should ever expect a Man, any Man, at no matter what Age or Level of Maturity, to understand Things the way any Woman, even a relatively young woman, would understand. Boys simply are not brought up to understand Social Nuance. Listen to Young Men…. They can barely speak… their vocabulary is limited, and a great many Ideas, that Women like yourself have been dealing with for years, well, they simply never had occurred to the usual Boy. Boys, typically speaking, do not Think… well, they do not think until they are directly and explicitly ‘ordered’ to think about something. For instance, Boys can do relatively well in school, because the School’s Authorities explicitly order them to ‘understand’ certain concepts and facts. That is what it takes – Authority. If a Boy is not made to think about something, then he won’t. (Well, there is Me. I am a ‘Boy’, so to speak, and yet I do ‘Think’, but much of that is because I am over 40. Something happens to Boys over 40… suddenly they get ‘reflective and thoughtful’… but, until they are about 47 all their thinkings and reflections are mostly Wrong…. But at least they are trying, and by the time they are 53, well, many boys actually become Wise and Capable. But you cannot expect that of a Young Man. If you want a Young Man to think right then you have to explicitly tell him what he should be thinking. NEVER get upset because your Boyfriend just does not simply pick up on Things…. You can’t expect him too… in fact if he Did, well, then the Red Flag, or I should say ‘Pink Flag’, should pop up to make you worry whether or not he is really ‘gay’. So being a real ‘bonehead’ at his Age, is kind of a Blessing in a Curse… at least you know he is ‘Straight’.
Now, let us move onto “Boys Break Promises”. I can easily explain away why boys are thoughtless and stupid, but it is not so easy to explain why any ‘good’ boy would break a promise. Even when I was at my youngest and stupidest I kept my promises. Indeed, that is where I had my problems… not making promises I was not sure I could keep. In doing that, that is, not making promises expected of me by my girl-friends at the time, I was bringing to Issue the status of our Relationship. “If such a Promise is Necessary, than I think this Relationship may be at something of a Crossroads (not to say “at a Dead End, which would be rather blunt). Anyway, so your Boyfriends, by not keeping promises, and yet still by making them in the first place, well, they are simply drawing the whole thing out…. They like your Company… they like to be with you on their own terms… but they flout their promises, thus knocking the Ball into your Court. Whereas I used to be the one to bring up the Big Talk, well, in these cases, it should be you. Broken Promises are a Deal Breaker. No Boy Friend should step over that line. Any Broken Promise without a Valid, Proven and Believable Excuse SHOULD BE GROUNDS FOR A BREAKUP.
Now, yes, Couples break up and get back together all the time. But, if the Girl is In Charge, then the boy is required… literally required… practically, to crawl a mile through broken glass, crying and moaning the whole way, that he is sorry and that it will never happen again. This is, in fact, how Young Men can be made to mature. Indeed, this is why Second Husbands are always better Husbands than First Husbands…. While they may have been too proud to follow Orders from their First Wife, still, in the process, they have learned better how to behave toward the Second Wife.
This brings up the point that you must Never directly insult the Pride of your Boyfriend. You can break up with him for rational reasons, but Never insult him. If you actually Insult His Pride, then, well, that is often a Wound that will never heal… it is a Poisoning of the Well. It is like he Insulted you... imagine things that he could say to you that would simply make it ALL OVER! Well, you must never say the same kind of things to him. Many First Wives would have been fine, except that they crossed that line. Speaking Bluntly, a Man never ever wants to ever sleep again with a Woman who has ever insulted his dignity… well, not without getting really drunk first, and nobody wants that. Well, maybe if the Girl crawled a mile through broken glass… but typically, the pride of a Man is a bit flexible, but a woman’s pride seems to be like iron – have you ever known a Woman to admit she was wrong? It would save so many Relationships if a woman who caused all of the trouble would do a bit of crawling and apologizing, but they, well, a Woman Apologizing is like Unicorn… you might hear about them, and read about them in well-meaning books, but you will never see one.
And now we have come to the part about how you have to start reading some anger management books. You trigger very easily. It takes a great deal of thought and awareness to control a Quick Trigger, and this can’t happen unless your mind is practically jam-packed with all sorts of Anger Management stuff. Anyway, please allow me to cut and paste a list of Book Recommendations for you, okay?:
Book Recommendations:
All the personal skills required for successful Anger Management, well, they cannot be learned overnight. Of course, you can go to a Therapist, but even I have gone to therapists and the first thing they do is recommend that you read Anger Management self help books. It easy to understand why. If you do some daily reading of anger issue books… making it something of a ritual behavior, then it helps you to always stay aware of your potential problems with anger. Ordinarily we might do some intensive work on ourselves in regards to our anger issues immediately after we have had some serious episode, but then as time passes, we begin to forget that we have a problem, that is, until we explode again. So we need to keep Anger at the forefront of our attention, or at least to the extent that we have some daily reminder for ourselves that we must keep up our guard and maintain all of the good practices that we had learned.
Of course, you could find your own books. Go on line and just buy the ones with reviews that seem to show that the books would appeal to you. But I have a few suggestions of my own. One book I recommend, because I found I had given it a splendid review on that Big On Line Merchandizer’s Website is “Angry All The Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control” by Ronald Potter-Efron (my review is on the 3rd page of the 5 Stars). I had said that it is the one book most likely to bring anybody back ‘from the edge’. Also, check out “Rage” by Ronald Potter-Efron (the same author as the previous book). I think it is the best book on the subject of extreme rage. Then there is a book about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The premise behind cognitive behavior therapy is that when people are angry or depressed because of their negative thinking, well, it makes the most sense to address the problem by addressing the Thinking behind the problem. No, there is no churning up the past and talking about Mother and Childhood – all that is ancient history. The Idea is to simply learn how to turn off the negative thinking, or learn to think of something else instead. It also involves reevaluating your thinking in regards to whether you have been nurturing misconceptions or exaggerating generalizations. Anyway, the name of that book is “Cognitive and Dialectical Therapy Unleashed”, by James Ashley. It’s a good book and very affordable. And finally there is one book that is a bit of a favorite of mine: “Anger Management” by Peter Favaro, in that it seems to be more complete and organized than a lot of the other books.
Anyway, until your books arrive, or you go to the local bookstore and buy some, you should look over these pages. Especially, you should look at some of my posts here. I am relatively new here and so my catalog of posts is not all that extensive, and I have dealt with problems not unlike your own, using the knowledge that I have distilled from all of my reading, and also from my own experiences of dealing with my own anger issues. Good luck, hope to hear from you soon.