How can I stop punching my head and its not normal?

Morphinexyzz wrote:The reason why I hit my head its because of a fight with my boyfriend. Why am I hitting myself? I'm so confused. When we're talking on the phone and bad topics suddenly happened. I will get angry spontaenously and hit my head using my right hand and ofcourse crying at the sametime. Small or big fights I get down so easily and if I don't know what to do? I will just hit my head.

Please advice me what to do. Thank you.

Dear Morphine,

Your post presents quite a mixed problem. Usually outbursts of Anger serve only to alienate us from our loved ones, but, since you take all your anger out on yourself, well, you have largely dodged that particular problem, that is, unless, your boyfriend becomes frightened that he has, well, become involved with an…. How should we call it?... an ‘unstable girl’ (colloquially speaking … “hookedup with some crazy chick”). But, yes, these manifestations of Anger that you describe are not good.

And this is where it gets complicated. Are your reactions at all justified? Is your boyfriend indeed talking about horrible and outrageous things that would make any reasonable person either want to slap him or slap themselves, or can you say you are over-reacting? Well, if you are over-reacting, then THAT is your problem, and to deal with it all you have to do is, well, condition yourself, by practicing and rehearsing your reaction to various troubling scenarios that you can think of, to NOT act in an Angry Way… not toward others, and not even toward yourself. Yes, Anger does involve getting all riled up on Adrenaline, as so it is ‘natural’ to go all berserk, but typically, before we get to that Stage where we go nutty on the adrenaline Rush, well, we almost always have at least a few seconds to ‘work ourselves up’ with various frightful and negative thoughts. If that is the case, then you need to learn how your body feels when you are getting ‘worked up’…. What you are thinking when you get ‘worked up’… and you need to learn how to back away… Real Quick. It does not take long to Explode, as you probably know. You really have to be ‘on your toes’ to catch it. That takes practice in being Self Aware.

But then there is the case in which your Boyfriend is really being outrageous, and that your Angry Expressions are understandably justified, and that reasonable and non-anger prone people would also act in drastic ways when confronted with such outrageous communications as those coming from your Boyfriend. If such is the Case, then you need to realize one of the Big Facts of Life, and that is that YOU wield all the Power in your Relationship. No matter what your insecurities may be telling you, the truth is that, as he more than likely sees it, that He Needs You more that You Need Him. If you do not like something that he thinks or says, then you are well within your feminine rights to absolutely demand that he immediately change his mind, and his Ways, in order to conform to what you think is decent and proper. You have got to tame him… train him… civilize him…. House-Break him. He is a man… a savage, really, if left all by himself. You need to take charge. And if he doesn’t like it and decides to leave you, well, you are better off without him.

Love is a strange thing. Usually one person will have all of the Power in the Relationship – and it is always the person who loves the least. The Person who has the power in the Relationship is the one most ready to walk out. The Fawner and Groveler has no power at all. The Fawner and Groveler will obviously put up with anything. Anyway, even if you do Love this Man to utter distraction, well, it would be best if he did not know this. You need to get back your Power. You have to be seen as being willing to End It unless you get your way about all of the Important Things. You can be kind and give in on small things, but ONLY if it is understood that you will get something significant back in return.

Now, I can tell you all this only because I have given up on Marriage and dating women. I KNOW I could never put up with such feminine tyranny. Nobody needs a woman that badly. But I am almost 70 years old. Young men need women more than Old Men. So make that Fact work for you… if that is the case.

Keep writing in. We need to clarify your situation a bit more, don’t we?

Thanks Mr. Volont for all you've said. Matured and explainable words from you. Well, the truth is imI have this "paranoid" and "trust problems" thing in myself so if I get filled with mixed emotions I'll suddenly blow up and boom! The reaso why I hit myself or head. And its because he didn't understand the way I want like some of girls or women has this kind of "girl instincts". He must understand my feelings like if I don't want him to do that, or do that, there etc. because I'm scared... Boys break promises... And the fact that he is still immature... That is difficult huh.. Also I can't even treat my depression easily myself.. These things trigger when I sees some reflections from my ex or past that my present boyfriend always did this or that.. Sorry hope you understand... I'm hopeless i guess.. Like i should look for some psychiatrist or i dont know..

Morphinexyzz wrote:Thanks Mr. Volont for all you've said. Matured and explainable words from you. Well, the truth is imI have this "paranoid" and "trust problems" thing in myself so if I get filled with mixed emotions I'll suddenly blow up and boom! The reaso why I hit myself or head. And its because he didn't understand the way I want like some of girls or women has this kind of "girl instincts". He must understand my feelings like if I don't want him to do that, or do that, there etc. because I'm scared... Boys break promises... And the fact that he is still immature... That is difficult huh.. Also I can't even treat my depression easily myself.. These things trigger when I sees some reflections from my ex or past that my present boyfriend always did this or that.. Sorry hope you understand... I'm hopeless i guess.. Like i should look for some psychiatrist or i dont know..

Dear Morphine… No No No No… you are certainly not Hopeless, but you DO present a rather challenging Case. Oh, and thank you for calling me ‘Mr. Volont’ (mostly, people, a fraction of my age, simply take off calling me ‘Leo’, and I have never complained about it, but I DO recognize your respect in calling me ‘Mr. Volont’ … it is quite charming and rather lady-like…. very endearing as a matter of fact …. I really can’t remember if anybody had ever shown me that kind of respect before. But this is one indication that you have Very Good Civilized Instincts. Our job now is to apply them where they will do you the most good.

Now the first thing we have to deal with is that you should ever expect a Man, any Man, at no matter what Age or Level of Maturity, to understand Things the way any Woman, even a relatively young woman, would understand. Boys simply are not brought up to understand Social Nuance. Listen to Young Men…. They can barely speak… their vocabulary is limited, and a great many Ideas, that Women like yourself have been dealing with for years, well, they simply never had occurred to the usual Boy. Boys, typically speaking, do not Think… well, they do not think until they are directly and explicitly ‘ordered’ to think about something. For instance, Boys can do relatively well in school, because the School’s Authorities explicitly order them to ‘understand’ certain concepts and facts. That is what it takes – Authority. If a Boy is not made to think about something, then he won’t. (Well, there is Me. I am a ‘Boy’, so to speak, and yet I do ‘Think’, but much of that is because I am over 40. Something happens to Boys over 40… suddenly they get ‘reflective and thoughtful’… but, until they are about 47 all their thinkings and reflections are mostly Wrong…. But at least they are trying, and by the time they are 53, well, many boys actually become Wise and Capable. But you cannot expect that of a Young Man. If you want a Young Man to think right then you have to explicitly tell him what he should be thinking. NEVER get upset because your Boyfriend just does not simply pick up on Things…. You can’t expect him too… in fact if he Did, well, then the Red Flag, or I should say ‘Pink Flag’, should pop up to make you worry whether or not he is really ‘gay’. So being a real ‘bonehead’ at his Age, is kind of a Blessing in a Curse… at least you know he is ‘Straight’.

Now, let us move onto “Boys Break Promises”. I can easily explain away why boys are thoughtless and stupid, but it is not so easy to explain why any ‘good’ boy would break a promise. Even when I was at my youngest and stupidest I kept my promises. Indeed, that is where I had my problems… not making promises I was not sure I could keep. In doing that, that is, not making promises expected of me by my girl-friends at the time, I was bringing to Issue the status of our Relationship. “If such a Promise is Necessary, than I think this Relationship may be at something of a Crossroads (not to say “at a Dead End, which would be rather blunt). Anyway, so your Boyfriends, by not keeping promises, and yet still by making them in the first place, well, they are simply drawing the whole thing out…. They like your Company… they like to be with you on their own terms… but they flout their promises, thus knocking the Ball into your Court. Whereas I used to be the one to bring up the Big Talk, well, in these cases, it should be you. Broken Promises are a Deal Breaker. No Boy Friend should step over that line. Any Broken Promise without a Valid, Proven and Believable Excuse SHOULD BE GROUNDS FOR A BREAKUP.

Now, yes, Couples break up and get back together all the time. But, if the Girl is In Charge, then the boy is required… literally required… practically, to crawl a mile through broken glass, crying and moaning the whole way, that he is sorry and that it will never happen again. This is, in fact, how Young Men can be made to mature. Indeed, this is why Second Husbands are always better Husbands than First Husbands…. While they may have been too proud to follow Orders from their First Wife, still, in the process, they have learned better how to behave toward the Second Wife.

This brings up the point that you must Never directly insult the Pride of your Boyfriend. You can break up with him for rational reasons, but Never insult him. If you actually Insult His Pride, then, well, that is often a Wound that will never heal… it is a Poisoning of the Well. It is like he Insulted you... imagine things that he could say to you that would simply make it ALL OVER! Well, you must never say the same kind of things to him. Many First Wives would have been fine, except that they crossed that line. Speaking Bluntly, a Man never ever wants to ever sleep again with a Woman who has ever insulted his dignity… well, not without getting really drunk first, and nobody wants that. Well, maybe if the Girl crawled a mile through broken glass… but typically, the pride of a Man is a bit flexible, but a woman’s pride seems to be like iron – have you ever known a Woman to admit she was wrong? It would save so many Relationships if a woman who caused all of the trouble would do a bit of crawling and apologizing, but they, well, a Woman Apologizing is like Unicorn… you might hear about them, and read about them in well-meaning books, but you will never see one.

And now we have come to the part about how you have to start reading some anger management books. You trigger very easily. It takes a great deal of thought and awareness to control a Quick Trigger, and this can’t happen unless your mind is practically jam-packed with all sorts of Anger Management stuff. Anyway, please allow me to cut and paste a list of Book Recommendations for you, okay?:

Book Recommendations:

All the personal skills required for successful Anger Management, well, they cannot be learned overnight. Of course, you can go to a Therapist, but even I have gone to therapists and the first thing they do is recommend that you read Anger Management self help books. It easy to understand why. If you do some daily reading of anger issue books… making it something of a ritual behavior, then it helps you to always stay aware of your potential problems with anger. Ordinarily we might do some intensive work on ourselves in regards to our anger issues immediately after we have had some serious episode, but then as time passes, we begin to forget that we have a problem, that is, until we explode again. So we need to keep Anger at the forefront of our attention, or at least to the extent that we have some daily reminder for ourselves that we must keep up our guard and maintain all of the good practices that we had learned.

Of course, you could find your own books. Go on line and just buy the ones with reviews that seem to show that the books would appeal to you. But I have a few suggestions of my own. One book I recommend, because I found I had given it a splendid review on that Big On Line Merchandizer’s Website is “Angry All The Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control” by Ronald Potter-Efron (my review is on the 3rd page of the 5 Stars). I had said that it is the one book most likely to bring anybody back ‘from the edge’. Also, check out “Rage” by Ronald Potter-Efron (the same author as the previous book). I think it is the best book on the subject of extreme rage. Then there is a book about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The premise behind cognitive behavior therapy is that when people are angry or depressed because of their negative thinking, well, it makes the most sense to address the problem by addressing the Thinking behind the problem. No, there is no churning up the past and talking about Mother and Childhood – all that is ancient history. The Idea is to simply learn how to turn off the negative thinking, or learn to think of something else instead. It also involves reevaluating your thinking in regards to whether you have been nurturing misconceptions or exaggerating generalizations. Anyway, the name of that book is “Cognitive and Dialectical Therapy Unleashed”, by James Ashley. It’s a good book and very affordable. And finally there is one book that is a bit of a favorite of mine: “Anger Management” by Peter Favaro, in that it seems to be more complete and organized than a lot of the other books.

Anyway, until your books arrive, or you go to the local bookstore and buy some, you should look over these pages. Especially, you should look at some of my posts here. I am relatively new here and so my catalog of posts is not all that extensive, and I have dealt with problems not unlike your own, using the knowledge that I have distilled from all of my reading, and also from my own experiences of dealing with my own anger issues. Good luck, hope to hear from you soon.

Hi Morphinexyzz!

As I was looking at the different topics, to search one on what I am looking help with, I came across your post as I use to suffer from this incredibly, to the point that I will have headaches for days, and as you, it would happen after the hubby finished arguing unfairly at times, I will go to the bathroom cry it out and start to hit myself till my head hurt. To me at that point it was the vehicle that I was using so I would not take things even bigger because of the emotions that I was feeling at that moment. And with a child in the house, sometimes you need to swallow your pride, let it calm down and then find a way to talk it out.

The day my 5 year old saw me do it to myself, when she walked into my room, saw me and started to cry, that was the it moment in where I needed to figure out a way to separate from this really bad vehicle that serves no purpose in my life or the life of others and all it will keep doing is taking me down an I could not let that happen. The more you let that vehicle control you the worst it can get, and the more anger and mixed feelings you build up, the more you explode even with the person saying hi to you.

This is when I knew that I had to find a way to make me feel, happy again with myself and my life with a huge purpose to make a difference and give me and my daughter the life we both deserve, as well as the time to spend with family.

On May 21st, it will be one year, since I took charge of my life, in order to stop hitting myself, get rid of stress, anger, be a better communicator, mother, wife and so many other areas, it has been 6 months, since I have not done that to myself and feel super happy, because I learned to control my emotions, reactions and actions before and after an argument.


How Did I Do That?

As Mr. Volont, mentioned you, to consider personal development and I second that by a billion and more %, because if taken seriously, by committing and working on every area of your life as the books, programs and coaches tell you to do, the changes and life transitions in any area of your life will improve, and it is proven that in order for something to be effective enough it has to be worked on daily and constantly and through the year, only that take those life challenges that you want to transform and commit to it for 90 days and you will see.

One of the main places you need to start, is with the connection with your inner-self, if you are not really connected in there, you won't able to connect with yourself or others, even communicate how it needs to, you won't enjoy life, won't be able to function and things will seem like they will never come out correct, and even take you to the point in where your faith in life and your purpose here seems so far away and you have no idea how to get it back, or even if you will get it back.

At this moment, you need to focus on starting to make the separation from hitting yourself after an argument, and the way you need to do that, is to learn to love and understand yourself and what is the message that you are trying to communicate with whom ever it is, your boyfriend, friend, mother and so on.

The next time, the thought of heating yourself comes up, change the thought with " it is not worth it, I am so much better then this", grab my hand and keep it down, this are the same exact words I used continuously for 6 months any time the thought would come to mind, and it worked like magic, while working on making me happy so I can make my family and others happy.

The Second 6 Months of my personal growth challenge, I have not hit myself once, do not even think about it, even when he gets mad or picks a fight for no reason from time to time. I know you can break free from that, because I did and if you need a friend to help you, and that understands where you are coming from, I am here.


You Are An Amazing Young Woman, with a bright future and bright husband on the way, you just need to prepare yourself in the best positive way, so you can face life and life challenges with a positive mindset and the will and commitment to make the change just like that, instead of crying over the wrong decision or that the world is going to end.... The world ends, the day we go to sleep and never wake up, till then we only have 2 choices in life, as my top Mentor Tony Robbins thought me " WE ARE EITHER GROWING OR DYING - THERE IS NO IN-BETWEEN"

Best of Luck to you and I know you can break through!


Have an Incredible, Safe, Healthy and Blessed 2015 and God Bless and Protect You and Your Loved Ones Always!


Katherinn Palacio

Wow.. Just wow. I was like "whoa". I am very speechless I don't know where to start Mr. Volont. I'm so grateful from the words you said and very thankful for the efforts to type by you. First of all I'm a kind of person who loves to respect people older or not than me. It was the right thing to do to respect people you didn't know but having a good heart if you sense it or not. So, welcome Sir! The way to discuss everything is impressive and excellent you have my respect all the time. You are very respectful man. So keep it up! I'm glad also because your wife is lucky to have you please don't change and love each other. Understand each other and don't hurt each other. I wish if I get old my love for him will never gone. I want to get old that is still inlove with my true love even if we challenge hard times. So thank you very much sir!

By the way, I'm 22 yrs old so I know that I still have some immature ways and the boyfriend too. All you have said Mr. Volont are very matured ways and its all correct and true. But I do hope my boyfriend would turn into a matured thinker someday. If I could turn back the time? I'll choose a man that is ahead than me and thinks mature things in life. My boyfriend is always biking, playing computer games etc. I hate it though! That is why I'm getting mad! Sorry but ugh. He should read books and stay in his house, think of his future and career. I know are both college student but I want to be matured as much as I can. He gives me headache and heartache.

Truth is, i'm always pray ofcourse we do have faith and i'm still hoping for it. Anger Management books? Or any other anger control books? I'll try to read one of them. I'll search.

Oh if I will have a husband someday I wish he is more matured than me and discipline me. I know myself that I can promise everything I said. I will promise to love him even if my death is near someday. That is me Sir. I'm not breaking my promises I swear. I'm honest, loyal, and true to people. I'm just being myself and oh yes I'm insulting him sometimes because I'm just mad or angry and I feel sorry for it.

I'm always giving him more chance and sometimes 3 out of 10 are the things that not broken and 7 are called "broken promises". See? He's always breaking his promises many times that is why I'm getting angry and I'm so full that is another reason why I hit myself.

I can't stop crying and pity myself. I'm always depressed and my parents are worried. I'm not a party girl or what. I changed myself into a lady-like. And I want him to be like me but he was not like that. See? I can't control things in my hand. I'm such a control freak. Sorry Mr. Volont. I'm just telling the truth.

Thank you so much again for your understanding and effort to reply on my melodramatic life. Have a good one sir!

To: Ms. Katherine Palacio

OMG thank you so much too. Thanks guys for helping me with these problems. You know how I wish I can manage all of this bad habits of mine. I'll try not to hit myself, think of positive things, never give up on life, and faith to God. I do hope for a good change because sometimes I forgot to change it and get angry again its so hard to control it so I wish I can work on it now. I must do it right? So thank you for all the inspiring words from you and to Mr. Volont.

Yehey. We are friends now? Happy then! Just to clear something... I'm 22 yrs old and my boyfriend too. So I admit that we have the same immature ways but part of me have matured ways. I wish too that I'd stop telling him "You die! Die!" I'm cursing him to die and its bad. Feeling sorry huh. My bad. This is caused by my anger. Uncontrolled anger.

Yeah I'll try to search those books and hopefully I can find them on my own. Thank you Ms. Kath!

Hi Morphinexyzz,

Good afternoon and happy to be of any help. You are so young, both of you. At the moment what you need to do is focus on you and what you need to change first, and at the moment we know, is getting you to depart from hitting yourself.

You need to stop pointing fingers at him, and trying to get him to change, by demanding, being rude, or anything else that a woman uses wrongly in order to prove her point (none of them have ever worked out for any good of the relationship). Stop saying you hate the games he plays, and that he dies (ohh no my sweet girl, no princess no matter the age we are, should never tell someone they should die) One thing I always, tell my students is, You treat and do to others, exactly what you want done for yourself. If you want him to change and pay more attention to you, then you need to do it first , so he can follow. In relationships, speaking from my own experience and I have been with my hubby for 15 years, is that Ego's need to be dropped by one or the other, if you want to make your relationship to grow more and together, in order to do that, one of the 2 needs to take the first step.

Once, you do that, is time to focus on you, and you making the life transformation, and once he sees the positive changes that you are making, how you are not communicating negatively or getting mad at him for no reason, he is going to start to notice all the positive changes you are making and how much you have grown, and either he will jump on board and make the changes too, as he sees that you have grown or he leaves (if he does maybe he was not meant to be and if it was he will come back - plus you are only 22 - a baby)

You have a whole life ahead of you, and God has the correct soul mate for you, no matter if it is the current one, or the one from the future, and in order to be ready for the best of your life, you need to spend at least a whole year committing to making the necessary adjustments to what you call habits, to a happier and more fulfilled life. So you can move towards the ultimate life you want for the next 80 years of your life.

The First important thing you need to do is, stop depending on others to do it, so you can do it to or together, each person is individual and faces challenges/Losses different ways, some are ready to make the change, because they have hit what is called rock bottom, the point of this is enough, it mus change or it can ruin my life. In this relationship is you, you are super ready, and do not let his ways of being now, stop you from where you want to go and transforming those bad habits, into positive ones.

Take the time now, to Challenge yourself to a full life transformation in all the areas of your life that you will like to improve, take at least 2 areas that you want to improve or change and challenge yourself by committing to a personal 90 days growth challenge and every 90 days re-start a new transformation challenge in 2 more areas and so on, you will see by the time you finish the first 3 months and you see amazing results (remember from constant and daily improvement), by reading self-help books (e-books, hard or paper pack copy), listen to audio Cd's (purchased or from YouTube) for the car and to listen to it, before you go to bed (to me the car is the best and till this day is the best time to listen to positive audios to help shift your mind towards positive solutions) Most of the time, you are driving alone, and no one can shift your mind from listening and learning, those audio CD's make you realize a lot of things that one does wrong, even if we do not do it intentionally.

I would love to send you an E-Book to read, to get you started. Remember, things are not going to change just by saying them, you need to learn to depart from those bad habits that are not taking you anywhere and are not making you happy at the moment, and the only way to really make it work for you - is because "YOU" are the only one that can make it happen.

Have an Incredible, Safe, Healthy and Blessed 2015 and God Bless and Protect You and Your Loved Ones Always!


Katherinn Palacio