This is really long and my english is bad, so I apologize.
I met my wife 9 years ago, we are in a relationship for 6 years now and married for a little over 2 years.
I guess I need to introduce myself before getting into the details of the problem.
I am living with my mother since I was 6 years old ( and my grandparents).I have always been the "nice guy" since I knew there's somehting called "girls". I was always shy, always hesitant to make a move, and instead always opened up to girls verbally and expected a reassuring answer. When I look back, I realize that this was so obsessive that I couldn't do any move before making sure that the girl is also liking me back. Probably because of this behaviour I have never got the answer that I was waiting for, because I could never to the things that really matter to get a girl like you (body language, courage to make a physical move etc.)
I've told many girls that I knew just for a couple weeks that I liked them, and consistently got negative responses, which I think is not surprising. Until I met my current wife.
I have met her when we were both 22 years old (we were both virgins, as far as I know), I saw her a couple of times and boom, I was in love (or I thought so
).After a couple dates, I brought her some roses, and told nothing, she was surprised. I was usually nervous around her, but we were also having fun. The same day after we said goodbye, on my way back home I texted her that like her, and as usual I was subconsiously waiting for a negative response, but she sent back a playful response, which wasn't stating anything positive or negative, but sounded positive at least, I was extremely happy.
We kept on seeing each other, and every single day I was texting her how I love her, sending her poems, and always asking her to tell me how she was feeling towards me, I never got a solid answer, she always said that she needs some more time or she might be liking me but needs to be sure etc.
I was obsessed with an answer, all of my focus was on hearing that she also likes me back, through text messages. When I was with her I didn't even have the courage the talk about these or hold her hands. Trying to kiss her was like impossible for me, yet sex was even unimaginable. She invited me home for 3 times during this 2 month period. I went there but again, I couldn't even make the slightest move, I both wanted to be with her but I was also scared as hell at the same time. Maybe only one time our hands touched for 5 seconds, and that was it. I am living in Turkey so here girls making a move isn't so common.
One day when I was telling here how I love her through text messages, (as usual) she told me that she probably doesn't feel anything towards me , I was devastated, I argued with her and we stopped seeing each other.
I saw that she has a boyfriend after a while on facebook, which was the most painful thing ever because I knew if I was not mentally troubled she would have been with me. I always accused myself for everything happened after this. I suspected that maybe she was also seeing him when she was dating with me, and chose him because obviously, I was weird. If I had the mental state, I was relaxed, I would have been with her, would have made out with her, but I failed, and ruined everything.
I remember masturbating to her pictures many many times, It was immense pain for 2 years gradually disappearing.
2 years later, in a time where I was taking care of myself, my appereance, going to the gym, wearing stylish clothes, and probably was at the peak of my self confidence, a girl noticed me. I didn't have any intentions with her at the start which made me not ruin things, she was the one holding my hands, she was the one sleeping on my shoulder.
I lost my father 2 weeks after meeting her, and guess who texted me? my current wife. She wanted to see me. I started seeing her, she was all over me now except physically, I could tell that she was totally into me, I went her house like 10 times, she wanted to go to vacation with me, but guess what? My obsession started again, I couldn't do anything, I couldn't even touch her even though she did everthing she could to create the moments. But I was still trying to make sure that she liked me, and I was obsessed with hearing it. After a while she probably remembered how weird I was, and I started to pressure her again to express her feelings, which made us argue again, and I went back to my relationship with the girl who was already liking me. I didn't have any hopes with my wife now and believed that she doesn't like me (for some weird reason)
The relationship went for 1.5 years, I was 24 years old, and had sex for the first time in my life with her. I was a premature ejaculator which i was totally expecting
We never argued, it was always good, she was too careful to keep me happy. She was jealous of me. I didn't like her appereance as a girl in general, but the relationship was good as far as I recall, until , 2 years later, my wife sent me a text message saying that she loves me. At first It felt great for a moment, I felt like I finally got what I needed, but at the same time I didn't want to ruin my relationship so decided to talk to my wife by meeting her. When we met, we didn't talk about love or anything, we just had a great time talking about random topics, she was looking at me with teary eyes and a smile all the time, It was like she was regretful of not also telling me that she wanted me as well in the past years. We both went home, and I decided to not text her again, because I didn't want to go through the same hell again.
5 days later she playfully texted me back again, asking why I didn't write her, wanting to meet again. This is the breakpoint, the tought of her conquered my mind, and I started seeing her. She was telling me that she didn't want to carry the burden of ending another girls relationship, I had no backbone and told her that it is already ending, told her that I was already breaking up, and she intentionally bought it
I had a 1 month period of breaking up with my current girlfriend which was extremely painful since I had nothing to blame her, It was all my wife who took over my mind, and I couldn't give this as a reason to my girlfriend.
Finally I was in a relationship with my current wife, I liked her body, her face, her everything, she had a bad temper and lack of empathy most of the times but it was nothing for me to hold back. I had a car, had money, had confidence. I held her hands the first time in a movie, which was a divine moment for me. We started making out, using our hands, kissing, everything but sex for a while. She was telling me that she is ready when she is aroused but since she told me that she's a virgin I was kind of hesitant, wanted to find a good time and place to do it. During one of these make out sessions she asked me if I ever had sex. I told her yes, I did. She asked how many times, I gave her a number which was far less than the truth, I don't know why. Next day she was a bit cold to me, I thought maybe she wanted to be my first, or maybe she thought that I didn't want to have sex with her because of her virginity. I remember calling her and asking her why she is cold to me and crying , asking her to not leave me.
For a period she was also obsessed with me previous girlfriend, since I just broke up, maybe she was afraid that I could go back to her. But this always caused aggression on her side instead of caring.
One day we finally had sex, I didn't even search for a clue (like blood) showing that she is actually a virgin, I didn't have any doubts, she was the one always letting me know that she is, I never asked, maybe didn't need to. That day I don't even remember if I seen blood or not, she told me that she bleeded in the bathroom a lot after the intercourse, I said ok. She couldn't sleep that night, she was having tantrums by herself, I didn't understand why.
This all happened in the first 2 months of our relationship. During this time period, she told me that she has an ongoing law case. One of her colleagues ( a man 11 years older than her) liked her. He was a guy with fetishes and stuff, kind of a psycho, also liked taking photos of everyone. One day he opened up to her, and my wife rejected him also making fun of him because of the age difference. After a while he started threatening my wife, photoshopping her photos with adult images, her feet photos, cutting her from pictures, her legs and creating dirty images. Threatening to put them on facebook, which he did after a while. And one day he also tried to strangle her in the street, after that my wife started a lawcase. His PC and electronic devices were taken away from him, and the case was ongoing. I was kind of furious but didn't want to interfere, I only told my wife to get rid of the guy as soon as possible. Stop the case. After that I heard that the guy was sentenced to some money penalty and restricted to contact my wife.
Our relationship was going on , we were fighting frequently and having a hard time resolving this by talking, always swept every fight under the rug, my wife had some bad temper and can be quite aggresive when things didn't go the way she wanted. I am the type who stays silent and explodes after some built up tension, which also made things worse once a while. But we had the chemistry so never broke up, decided to marry. And married after 4 years of relationship.
After our marriage she was always complaining that I didn't see her as a part of my life, I was too individual, though i didn't have a social life apart from her, even playing 3 hours of video games was too much for her, she was always acting like a victim and accusing me of my behaviour, but when I explode, she turns the other face and tries to calm me down. We never had sex issues apart from my periodic premature ejaculations which I was covering with 2nd round and foreplay.
After 1.5 years of marriage we started to fight too frequently, and the intensity of these fights climbed up significantly. I couldn't talk to her anymore, all she was doing was either going mad or acting like nothing happened, she never likes to solve problems by talking, instead she likes to sweep them when she feels ok again, her mood could change a lot. I couldn't bare this anymore and left home after a while especially when she started to harm my belongings in fights and gave me antipsychotic drugs without my knowledge ( I was a bit depressed and this was her solution), telling her that I can't do this anymore and I didn't also want to cause problems in her life. And I gained an enemy. Lawyers kicked in, no communications, families were involved, everything gone bad. She was aggressive but she also didn't want to divorce, she was showing her love by attacking me
We have turned back from the edge of divorce 3 months ago, after I decided to stop the lawyers and talk to her, somehow we have decided to move on again.
I have never looked at my wifes phone or pc, always thought it was private and I didn't need to. Contrary to my belief, she always looked at my phone during our marriage, and caused problems from many things that she saw (no cheating or anything, just regular talks with friends sometimes mentioning her etc)
A couple weeks before we moved back in again, I had to use her old pc for something, which was still in our old place. There I found a file named "lawyer", I opened it up, and saw 2 images. It was 2 pages of an indictment prepared by prosecutor. It was the case that she told me 6 years ago. Her name and that guys name was written on it, My wife was the litigant and he was the suspect.
The page said that my wife and the guy had an ongoing relationship, which ended after a while due to disagreements, and after this the suspect threatened my wife with videos, recording and images which were taken by her own consent. Putting some of them on a facebook account which he created on behalf of her. Due to this, all his electronic belongings were taken away.
I was devastated, 6 years of lies, deceptions, she was an angel to me, never touched, this is what she made me believe all these years. I called her crying, telling her that I found this page. She immediately told me that things will never be the same again, and she wished that we divorced instead of talking about this subject. I told her that it is not important anymore, all that matters is the truth now. She says she told me everything already and starts to accuse me of being rude, she told me she didn't lie to me, and only kept 1 detail from me which also won't change anything. She told me that the paper was written that way to end the case quicker and started to tell me bs excuses which made no sense at all. I knew that she was lying but she wasn't accepting it and was aggressive towards me whenever I told her that her story doesn't make any sense.
This isn't something like finding out an ex boyfriend, or learning that she lied to me about her virginity, this is way beyond, court papers, recordings, threats, possible disgusting things between them, made me lose my mind. I didn't eat properly for 40 days and lost 9 kg, and she kept lying and lying all through this time even everything was obvious. She was seeing that I was slowly melting down but she didn't even care, her secret was more important than anything else, even me, this is what broke my heart the most.
These didn't stop me from going forward with her, she also didn't want to break up with me because of this secret, I collected all my strength and got her back to our old house, to start living together again.
I noticed that I can't get my mind off thinking about what actually happened, if she is still even in danger, if there are any recordings hidden somewhere, and what kind of a trauma she went through, if it was. So I decided to dig the case by going to court, and as her husband, got the information that the guy was never sentenced, the case was abandoned after my wife made sure that his electronic devices were swept clean.
I told my wife about this, she didn't even move a muscle and looked at me with pity.
One day I talked with her sister where I finally got the truth, the paper was true, but she didn't want to give me details, I don't know how far they went or what exactly happened, why the guy was so mad , how my wife agreed to get her videos and pictures taken (private ones, maybe even sex or other activities). After drinking a bottle of wine I told my wife that I roughly know what happened, and she still didn't want to tell me anything, she told me that I can leave her if I want and accepted that she lied. But she was angry to her sister, and that was more important than me, this secret was way more important than me. I cried all night and she didn't even care.
As of today, if I don't bring this topic up, she acts like nothing happened and she is really good to me, loves me, we have great sex life. I convinced her to see a family and relationships professional consultant which she said ok, this is what we are doing now. I think I lost my mind, everyday I am thinking about this one thing, picturing scenes of her videos, pictures, I even called the guy to talk with him. My life stopped completely and this thing took over my mind, I don't know what to do...
