by BigBrotherGrimm » Sat Apr 27, 2019 2:59 pm
Okay! So tomorrow I'm off heroin (clean and serene- no weed or beer even).
After about 13 visits to Narcotics Anonymous, meeting other recovering addicts (short and long-term), starting the program in my life (reading the basic text, daily prayers/meditation) and keeping close contact with my sponsor (a guy who has been sober for over 4 years now after about 20 years of active addiction- including heroin, which is very rare these days where I'm from), I have already achieved a lot of understanding about myself.
I have explained to my ex what it was that broke us up (I steadily denied anything being wrong for about a year) and finally we can talk to each other in agreement again. That's such a relief. And it's also very sad. Because she had been asking herself for the last 10 months that we were together what the hell was happening... and I lived from high to high and moodswing to swing.
It's special this time... because I am not alone in this, and I am also not to blame for my addiction. I am however, responsible for my recovery. And if my literary hero Jim Carroll could do it at 28, I can!
During my active addiction, each time when I stopped using, which was about twice a month the last year, I was steady and happy for one or two weeks, after which I became tired and bored again, and relapsed, and then again was angry and unhappy because it felt like failure, lack of discipline, unwillingness, or even a reason to commit suicide.
Now it is time to finally launch my life and face my inner traps in ways that I have been avoiding since age 12 or 13, but actively and full time since 14. I am an addict. And I can finally understand and acknowledge what the hell has been wrong with me for all of my life. Nothing helped. No doctor, no psychotherapy, no religion or yoga could prevent me from succumbing to the urge to use- or being in a using mindset- Mr. Hydemania is what I might call it.
But now I finally know what has been my problem, and I understand now that ALL of my problems- even long before I started using- have to do with my addiction.
Thank you all for being welcoming again. I will keep this thread going I guess.
Let you all know how my recovery is going from time to time.
And as they teach me in NA, Just for Today - I won't have to pick up the first drug.
And in case that I do.. I will sober up and head back for the program.
Everything is better than being an active addict.
The way it was going, I wouldn't have much time to live left, I believe.
Below a history of my addictiion.