Manage Anger or Substitute It?

Dear Mr. Davidjones,

I wonder what kind of Anger Management Books you have been reading. You describe them briefly in terms of “Do I really need to know where this came from, what is causing it? Does it really matter if I have unresolved childhood issues?” Well, that would seem to indicate that you have been reading either very old Anger Books from the old Psychoanalysis Days (reasons why and childhood issues) or Anger Books by Predatory Self Help Authors who write incompetently on many subjects. But Most New Anger Management Books written by Psychologists and other Trained Professionals are based on some kind of Cognitive Behavior Therapy model – that is You should learn to refrain from Bad Behavioral Habits, and Bad Modes of Thinking, and should learn to Substitute Good Behavioral Habits and focus on Thinking in a more Positive, Productive and Beneficial Way. It is all about Practice. It is like what you said about Andrew Carnegie’s “Make Friends and Influence People” – he presented Positive Behavior and Thought Patterns and you Practiced Doing and Thinking that way and it Helped. Good Anger Management Books work the same way. My favorite Anger author is Ronald Potter-Efron.

I used to be chronically irritable too. You just have to give it up one bad habit at a time. You can start by Not Cussing. Most people swear. But irritable people abuse it. It is one of those things you do not need, and it would be beneficial if you gave it up. It will be interesting to notice how often you continue to cuss even after you resolve to give it up. It shows the importance of Practice. Next, you must learn to be Even Tempered while driving. Here is a Story for you --When I was a Sergeant in the Army once upon a time, I would not allow a soldiers the privilege of driving if he showed any negativity – why should everyone in the Vehicle be subjected to his Drama? Well, the soldiers were embarrassed about being Relieved from Duty and so they All learned to drive Calmly and without Drama. It became a good Life Lesson even for myself. For years afterward I was still chronically Angry, everywhere but inside a Car! It seems that Anger While Driving just happened to be the First Anger Zone I was able to get under control. Next, one must learn Not to Make Grumpy Negative Comments, particularly to Strangers. What good does it do to be Grumpy and Judgmental with somebody who doesn’t know you and couldn’t care less what you think? Also, you Must have Experienced the way that Your Mind becomes Embroiled by what you Say and Do, and soon lets go of What you Didn’t Say and what you Didn’t Do. So when in Doubt, Don’t Say It, and Don’t Do It. Reserved and Quiet People are generally far more peaceful and serene then Active and Querulous People.

Do you watch TV. A good practice is to evaluate the Characters for Good and Bad Habits. What are they doing Wrong? You see, most people are effectively Brainwashed by TV – they seem to be programmed into being like the TV Characters – Role Models simply by exposure. You can counteract that by watching TV and Movies with a Critical Eye. And in Evaluating Their Behavior, you learn to Evaluate your own Behavior and Thinking. It’s a good habit to get into.

Anyway, Mr. Davidjones, you wrote a good post and seem to be a thoughtful person. I hope that you should see if you could put this Forum to use for you. Whatever Therapy or Practice you adopt for resolving your irritability, you could share your experiences with us here. Also, checking in regularly with the Forum helps to keep one focused on one’s Anger Management Resolve. You see, most people Give Up On Anger Management before it has Time to Work for them. They need Reminders to keep up on the Practice, whatever their Therapy or Goals are.

Thank you for your encouragement Leo.
I have read many books and articles on self-development and they were all great! I took a lot from all of them. But I have got to the stage where I feel I have been doing this long enough to know better. I have been telling myself "enough reading, start acting"! I need to start being the kind of person I want to be, not reading about it.
I say that people irritate me, like people are the problem. People are not the problem, people are the solution! All of the inspiring, uplifting and happy experiences I have had in life have come from people. I need to connect, to interact with my fellow humans, instead of being a loner, always withdrawn (bordering anti-social).
That is why I am here, to engage. A great way to learn is from each other's experiences.
Thank you again for taking the trouble to comment

Hi Dave (oh, where did I get “Davidjones” from?)

Wow! Now I see It so much clearer. Now I know what you meant. You have really become resolved! I don’t think I ever had That Moment where I became Super Resolved. I got more and more resolved incrementally with no big dramatic moment. I suppose if the Hollywood Screenwriters ever did a Movie about me, ‘based on the Truth’, they would give me that Big Moment in Time where I Finally Decided to Deal with My Anger. Yes, I did have some Dramatic Moments where I thought I resolved, but they all lead to slips and back slides. My Actual Resolve was probably as much a part of Practice as anything else in Anger Management – I kept Trying to Resolve and got better at it each time. It is sort of like Quitting Smoking. I think I gave us Smoking 13 times in 3 years until it finally ‘took’.

But all THAT is why it is important to have an Anger Management Activity every day, because one Needs to be Reminded that one Tends to Anger and Irritability, because, once we Forget, well, we become Angry and Irritable again.

Oh, you are Very Well Spoken in regards to your Resolve. If they ever DO do that Movie about me, well I hope the Screenwriters make me talk like YOU.

Hi David,

I learned something about myself from your post.

Thank you