Partner with depression pushing me away

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Postby Somebodysomwhere » Sat Jun 24, 2017 9:06 pm

Hello guys, I am a British guy who met my girlfriend when I was in America 9 months ago. And our relationship is currently long distance. I know this is stereotypical to say, but we are pretty much the identical person in nearly every aspect and because of this get on so well. In our 9 months we have never had a single falling out, and only on extremely rare occasions found ourselves annoying each other. Because of this, despite only have being met twice in person (4 weeks together) over the 9 months, we probably spend more time which each other than most couples, as we constantly play video games together, or watch stuff online together while in Skype calls, that can sometime last up to like 12 hours, without either of us getting bored.

We have often spoke about marriage and have a realistic plan in place on how we can live together.

Throughout our relationship she has always struggled with depression, and early on she made it clear that being with me seemed to cure it.

So it was a massive shock when she told me the other day that she needed a "break from us" as she thinks her depression is making her grow to hate me. In this time we have still been texting about random stuff, but never anything serious or couple like.

I admittedly over reacted at the start as I suffer from anxiety and had convinced myself she was doing this to break up with me, to which she assured me she still loved me very deeply and has no desire for us to finish.

I snapped out of it after that, and have tried to be more respectful of her wishes, but after asking her to try and explain what was going on, and how she felt the break was going as the week is nearly up she replied. "Throughout this week I have not craved to call with you once like I used to, and I don't want to speak to you about this anymore so let's stop messaging for the night"

I really don't know what to do. I see two options, keep sending her little messages reminding her I'm always here for her, or to completely ignore her and hope it will help her deal with this quickly so we can get back to normal.

I don't know which option will be best for her, all I know is not speaking to her is killing me inside, but is something I have to be prepared to do to help her.
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Postby hopefulcheese » Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:21 am

Hi Somebody,

Sorry you're going through this, but you're not alone. We are sort of in a similar situation, especially because of the relationship being long distance. My bf has has "disappeared" on me twice -- the first time was two months without any type of communication, the second was five months with him responding to my texts rarely and far in between. I read that when a person is depressed, the best thing to do to support them is to be physically present, and help them out with things like cleaning up.. basic things that they most likely wouldn't have the energy to do. If they let you anyway. Since they're far away it's difficult for us to do that. I know our position it's hard and of course you have the option to walk away, but if you want to support her, you need to have all the emotional/mental energy to be there for her. If she says she needs a break, then you need to give it to her otherwise you may just push her away. Sending her little messages to let her know you are there is okay but don't expect her to respond, because she may not. Do things that you enjoy so you are not relying on her to be happy.

I have been depressed in the past and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was ruminating all the time and it felt heavy deep inside. I was not hanging out with people and it felt like a burden to have to explain why I was being reclusive. This may have been why she said "I don't want to speak to you about this anymore". She MAY also be having anhedonia, which is why she said "I have not craved to call you". The thing is, anything is possible. They MAY end up leaving even if we stay there and support them so that's up to you to decide if you want to stick it out. Not saying it will definitely happen but I've read a lot of stories of depressed people breaking up with their partners. It's out of our control. Either way, you need to take care of yourself and know that this is not about you.
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