Flipping out over nothing!

It sounds to me that the source of your anger is feeling invalidated. It's very common in relationships for the woman to feel as if her opinion or feelings don't matter to her partner. If this happens enough, then women will tend to resort to behavior that looks "irrational" (to men at least) in order to get the attention and understanding she's seeking.

My guess is that you constantly feel invalidated by your fiancé's remarks. Perhaps you feel he is someone who dismisses what you have to say too quickly or talks over you or corrects you when you express an emotion. Or tells you to "calm" down or "It's not a big deal" when you get upset about something. All of these comments, if they happen frequently enough, can build up frustration in you and create that explosive anger that you're talking about.

Now you haven't given much information about you or your fiancé or what your relationship is like, so please take the following advice with a grain of salt. If you want to control your anger, you have to realize that its stemming from an internal need that you have. That need is validation. You need to be able to express your opinions and feelings in a safe environment where you don't feel like you'll be judged or criticized. This becomes even more critical in a relationship, where you are very sensitive to the comments and opinions of your partner.

What I'd recommend is for you to make sure you have that environment where you can freely express your opinions and feelings. First, it's important you establish that with your friends. You need a healthy network of friends that can allow you to talk about your feelings and not be criticized. Doing this will help take the edge off when you interact with your fiancé.

Next, you need a safe way to express your feelings and opinions with your fiancé. To do this, you need to tell your fiancé beforehand that you're not looking for any feedback or response on his part. All you want to do is vent your frustration or feelings.

But don't assume that he will give you validation. He needs to know that you need validation, so you should communicate that to him. If he does say something that you feel invalidates your opinion or feeling, then just correct him and say: "Look, I'm just venting. I just need someone to listen."

Again, I don't know too much about your relationship, so there might be more advice to give. But my guess is that invalidation is the source of your anger and once you resolve that issue, you should be able to deal with the anger problem.

Heh, thank you very much. This actually is pretty accurate when I think about it. Your input is appreciated and will be taken to heart.

Dear Nevermore,

Oh, yes, you got lucky… Betawarrior consistently comes up with excellent advice.

But let me take a shot. Let me start by saying that I’ve read in more than a few places (and experienced it personally on both sides of the equation) that when either a man or a woman is internally and subjectively dissatisfied with a Relationship, they express it through excessive, chronic and continuous irritability with their partner. This should be as much of a Message for Themselves as for their Partner. Consciously and on the Surface they may think they are in a Good Relationship – that they do not want to ‘blow it’, that they can’t imagine finding anybody else ‘better’, BUT, as every conceivable opportunity presents itself they belittle and insult the One They Supposedly Love.

Now, yes, of course, it is entirely correct for Betawarrior to entirely support YOU in all of this… afterall, you were the one who wrote in. But aren’t you at all troubled that YOUR Feelings are saved only at the expense of your Fiancé’ s – the BLAME is all shifted to Him – it’s all his fault for not validating all your feelings… as though you were bending over backwards to validate his feelings. And then, by supporting you so fully, well, doesn’t that rather serve to Justify you and thus to Enable you in your continued irritability… which Betawarrior does address… but there would always be the Reservation you would carry away with Beta’s Advice, that since it is ALL your Fiancé’s Fault anyway, well, he deserves what he gets. It just seems that your Behavior is being Enabled and the Relationship Supported and Condoned.

What is my advice? Well, I would FULLY ENABLE YOU, but in the direction of your True Feelings toward your fiancé -- you should do hims a BIG FAVOR and break up with him. As far as your Inner Feelings go, you honestly kind of HATE HIM, don’t you? I know, you THINK he is a GREAT GUY, or whatever, that Somehow he came to fit some Conscious Criteria for Mr. Right, and you couldn’t find anything ACTUALLY WRONG with him. And so you let this Relationship Go Way Too Far without ever giving it a Heart and Soul Reality Check. Yes, you have gone too far with it by now for a breakup to be either easy or painless, BUT, it will only get harder the longer and farther you keep going in the Wrong Direction.

Just tell the Poor Guy that your Insults and Slights are chronic and will only get worse… that you are not Hateful toward Everybody, but there is just SOMETHING about the Chemistry between you two… that although he seems PERFECT in EVERY WAY, still, it just seems that EVERYTHING HE SAYS and DOES just gets under your skin and annoys you… and that sooner or later this will inevitably lead to your finding him physically repulsive (many marriages culminate in this problem). There is no future there. He may at first be in DENIAL about all of that, but after a few days of Thinking… and maybe a little Drinking… he will come to SEE the LIGHT.

You two can Separate on Good Terms. There do not have to be any hard feelings on either side. When you are Free of the Subjective Impediments of the Relationship – something in you Must have felt terribly Threatened by the Relationship, and once the Relationship is caput, then you might feel free enough to relax and un-clench. You might actually become a GOOD FRIENDS under less imposing circumstances.

Anyway, I wish the both of you the best of luck.

Leo,

First, I'm not advising the OP to shift blame from herself to her partner. It's not her partner's fault (or her own for that matter) that she needs validation. All I'm advising her to do is take responsibility for fulfilling her own needs by creating a safe, judgment-free environment where she can express her feeling and opinions.

Second, I don't think the situation is that drastic to merit a break-up. A relationship involves a relationship - not simply the feelings of one person. If the OP changes her behavior, able to get her needs met and to control her anger, then I see no reason why she shouldn't stay in the relationship. If she changes her behavior, but her partner refuses to validate her feelings and the situation gets worse, then I think we have a problem on our hands.

But it takes time. Advising a break-up with her fiance when she hasn't even tried to make things get better would be, in my opinion, more damaging to her (and him) in the long run.

betawarrior wrote:Leo,

First, I'm not advising the OP to shift blame from herself to her partner. It's not her partner's fault (or her own for that matter) that she needs validation. All I'm advising her to do is take responsibility for fulfilling her own needs by creating a safe, judgment-free environment where she can express her feeling and opinions.

Second, I don't think the situation is that drastic to merit a break-up. A relationship involves a relationship - not simply the feelings of one person. If the OP changes her behavior, able to get her needs met and to control her anger, then I see no reason why she shouldn't stay in the relationship. If she changes her behavior, but her partner refuses to validate her feelings and the situation gets worse, then I think we have a problem on our hands.

But it takes time. Advising a break-up with her fiance when she hasn't even tried to make things get better would be, in my opinion, more damaging to her (and him) in the long run.

Hi Beta,

Its always so nice to talk with you, but, well, I don't think we should discuss THIS in front of the Children, so to speak. But to give the readers a sense of what I am thinking about all of this, well, my Reply was crafted in order to have an Effect on the Original Poster. I really did not intend to open up a Helper's Discussion, which might not HELP the Original Poster at all. And our Purpose IS to help, isn't it?

But, I would be more than pleased to discuss these kind of issues privately...

Leo Volont wrote:Hi Beta,

Its always so nice to talk with you, but, well, I don't think we should discuss THIS in front of the Children, so to speak. But to give the readers a sense of what I am thinking about all of this, well, my Reply was crafted in order to have an Effect on the Original Poster. I really did not intend to open up a Helper's Discussion, which might not HELP the Original Poster at all. And our Purpose IS to help, isn't it?

You are entirely right. I apologize for calling you out in front of the OP.

But, I would be more than pleased to discuss these kind of issues privately...

Let's do that.

betawarrior wrote:

Leo Volont wrote:Hi Beta,

Its always so nice to talk with you, but, well, I don't think we should discuss THIS in front of the Children, so to speak. But to give the readers a sense of what I am thinking about all of this, well, my Reply was crafted in order to have an Effect on the Original Poster. I really did not intend to open up a Helper's Discussion, which might not HELP the Original Poster at all. And our Purpose IS to help, isn't it?

You are entirely right. I apologize for calling you out in front of the OP.

But, I would be more than pleased to discuss these kind of issues privately...

Let's do that.

Oh! Splendid.... (an hour and a half passes),,, Check your Box!