How do you get aggressive?

**Posts:** 42 · by **Skip** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 10:25 pm

I need to figure out how to get pissed off. Not pissed off verbally (I have no problems letting people know how I feel) but physically, when I am in a fight.

I realize that I'm just absolutely not aggressive and this is kind of a problem. I know that there are most of the times ways to solve the problem differently but that’s not what I want to talk about now.

I guess I have been lucky (or perhaps unlucky) in a way that I’ve always been bigger than most kids at school and also now, as an adult I am in much better athletic shape than most people. So that keeps most idiots off my back. But every now and then a situation occurs where I find myself in a fight. I never start it but I don't run away from them either. A fight starts when someone takes a swing at me. But even at that point I still don’t feel the need to punch or kick people or hurt them otherwise. I would simply get them to stop doing that without hurting them (throwing them off me, holding them down, that sort of thing). That would be ok, but I’m not Jackie Chan so I do get hurt sometimes during a fight. So at the end, even when winning the fight I oftentimes end up more hurt then the other guy, which I think is kind of unfair to myself.

The worst part is that I do know how to fight. I am fine with sparring because that’s sports and the object there is not to hurt your opponent but to train. But in regular life situations I just can’t get myself to do that. Any thoughts?

**Posts:** 67 · by **diana** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 10:33 pm

Hi Skip, I saw your post. and I think you are just being "the bigger person", pardon the pun, but you are a better person for not wanting, or needing to hurt someone else; and the fact that you can feel that way toward someone who is fighting you, is amazing; it means you are a kinder , more advanced spirit, and you should not stoop to the level of those neanderthals who think with their muscles!!!!

Diana

**Posts:** 42 · by **Skip** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 10:51 pm

Hi Diana, thanks for the comment (that was quick).

I understand your point but you see, I think it is unfair to myself. I think being a good person is important but I am not about to bring myself a sacrifice for someone I don't know and actually dislike (obviously, since I end up in a fight with them).

As I said I don't look for fights, but when it comes to that point I don't want to have the disadvantage of being "the bigger person"

**Posts:** 84 · by **mrsmith** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:23 pm

I think I know what you mean, I think I'm the same, I used to get bullyed loads as a kid, and never fought back once really.

Always just seemed to just "take it", I can usually talk my way out of trouble, I never look for it, but think I sometimes have one of those faces that Chavs love to hate.

Anyway, perhaps its just fear with me, ie fear of getting a good kick in as I know I'm not a good fighter (well I dont know cos I cant remember the last time I actually "flipped" and lost it with intent to hurt someone back)

Perhaps some people just dont have it in them. I tend to find tho I get more annoyed when someone I love is being hurt, I always seem to be the first in there trying to sort it out - usually by talking.

**Posts:** 42 · by **Skip** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:23 am

Well I have thought that perhaps the fear of getting hurt could have something to do with it, but after giving it a lot of though, I'm pretty sure it doesn't.

First of all, I'm talking about situations when you are already being in a fight. Secondly, I don't mind sparring because it's for a different reason (competition). Thirdly, the last time I was in a fight (2-3 weeks ago) I could not care less for pain or getting hurt - there more things on my mind at the time. I just needed to get those guys off my back (literally and figuratively) to carry on whatever I was doing at the time, which I did. It did leave me with a fair amount of bruising though, which I really didn't care about at the time. It's later on, when I was thinking about it I just felt like I was being totally unfair to my own body and my ego. Because days after the fight it doesn't matter any more who got his way - it's about who looks better.

**Posts:** 67 · by **diana** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 10:02 am

Hi, Skip, I was reading the posts and was thinking that perhaps you have trouble with confrontations, it something that stems from childhood, I learned in psychology, that if a person in their childhood had parents who they could never ever confront about anything, it carries into adulthood, not abusive parents, but you know, the kind that you can't get a word in edgewise?

Perhaps your father? In some cases a guy can be affected in his adultlife from not being able to connect with his father in childhood.

Was your father that way??

Diana

**Posts:** 42 · by **Skip** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 12:00 pm

Nope, not that. My parents have always left choices open for me as long as I can remember myself. So I don't think I was a traumatized child

Neither do I seem to have trouble confronting people to defend my point. Any more ideas?

**Posts:** 42 · by **Skip** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 12:21 pm

One thing. I am not so much looking for analysis of why things are this way (I pretty much know why) but rather trying to find a motivation to get pissed off. But since we are on the topic, I can explain why I don't feel aggressive:

I have always defended my ground but 99 out of 100 times I would not have to use physical force. When I am right (and no, I'm not always right) people would accept things either out of respect or because I am bigger than them. So basically I am simply not used to getting my way through force. I have also noticed (just to confirm my point) that the skinny little dudes are always the most aggresstive - they are the first to lose their mind completely and charge at you with whatever they have at their disposal. Again, I don't think force is the way to go, but sometimes it's not your call.

As I said, I have the capability to use force but I need to figure out how to get myself to do that. Perhaps I'm wrong and you don't need to feel anger towards the person to hurt them - just do it because they deserve an donkey kicking and that's what should be done..

Anyway, motivation is mostly what I am seeking advise for.

**Posts:** 67 · by **diana** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 3:38 pm

Hi Skip, Here is what should motivate you: You don't have to be angry with the "charging" person, just love yourself enough to knock him out of the map, so he won't think twice about coming at you again., and I say love yourself, because you said before you ended up with bruises, and you're not small enough to really get hurt, but you do get bruised, well tell yourself you are not deserving of ANY bruising, and put the other guy in outer space.

This is my view, from a girl's mind, I kind of have a basic, animal admiration for a guy who can whip another one physically, not that I approve of hurting, or killing, its just a female instinct to like the one who can protect you.
The drive that makes a guy do that is the testosterone hormone, its the hormone of aggression, and what I think is maybe you have a super abundance of that, and you know if you really act on it, someone might end up dead!

I think you're afraid of the really letting your self get physically strong with someone because you deep down know you will really hurt someone bad, so you kind of snuff it, and keep it in control (which is a good trait) but sometimes if someone is really, really asking for it, they need a good whop.

do you see what Im saying??

diana

**Posts:** 42 · by **Skip** » Wed Aug 03, 2005 12:00 am

Hi Diana. Thanks! I think that's exactly what I needed to hear. It's nice to know that even a maturely-minded and smart girl like yourself (note for others: it's not a flattery - I know that from our previous discussions) still admits, that asskicking still receives a portion of admiration from a girl's prospective.

I do not have an abundance of testosterone, and this is what I need to make up with motivation, which I think was fairly simply laid out in your post.

I'm not about to go proving anyone that I'm the man but at the same time I don't want people to take my not being aggressive as a weakness either and, most importantly, I'm getting a little tired of being the bigger but nicer guy with bruises

...not that it happens often but is't a matter of a principle.

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