Can't accept my past and who i am..

**Posts:** 1 · by **taiyou** » Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:53 am

Okay.. I have fianlly decided to change and try to love myself for once in my life. All my life Ive been quite alone, because Ive never been too interested in people and if I am, it's because I will grow dependent on them... Right now I have had to take a break from my relationship with my boyfriend because I grew too dependant and envious and jealous of him, just like my previous (and first) relationship, and I am focusing in 'finding myself' and being more independent. But right right now, there is one thing that worries me and upsets me like nothing else- How I lived my past, that is, never partied nor made out nor had that much sex or had cool drug experiences (only having them now,kinda which is cool but... I wanted those cool high school stories but now it's impossible, I'm in my first year of college btw. And yes, I find makind out the coolest thing, idk if thats ok, i want to change it really, Ive always searched or hoped for someone to kiss me but because of my shyness never met anybody until my first partner, and have kissed 3 other ppl since then..) and knowing my boyfriend made out with LOTS of people during his teens, makes me incredibly envious and like, makes me see him as another person (maybe because he's not meeting my expectations?), I don't know, it really upsets me. And if he makes out with someone else, I want to make out too, to feel validation you know. I know he used to make out with his close friends and stuff and I find that so cool. I never did that because I never even did have close friends during high school... well I'm just rambling now
The thing is I talked about this with him today and he just said that I should accept my past (and who I am) so I stop suffering and regretting about this. The jealously I would feel if he made out with someone if we were dating is another issue, right now the envy I feel because I haven't made out with so much people as him (or the majority of ppl I know right now) is making me feel like I'm the lowest and lamest. Please help? If you didn't understand something or want more details just say so... Thanks for reading. I fing this issue very rare and specific for some reason..

**Posts:** 1158 · by **TheCloud** » Wed Jan 06, 2016 8:55 pm

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/

People fall into nine different categories of personality, according to the Enneagram. There are an enormous number of variations within those categories, but only nine primary categories. A common problem can occur when someone who is in one category rejects their type, thinking it lesser than other types.

That is what I think your difficulty is. You have rejected the type of person you are, and idolized a different type of person. But your type is not something you can change. You can evolve and adapt, but short of brain damage, you can't change it. And there's no reason you should have to, because all types can succeed. My suggestion is that you explore the enneagram and figure out what your type is (there's a free test, but you have to make an account. You can also try reading the types and figuring out which one fits you best), so that you can clearly understand what is good about being you. It's not a panacea, it won't solve all your problems to do this, but it's a way for you to start on the path of loving yourself.

**Posts:** 24 · by **manifestmillennial** » Mon Jan 11, 2016 7:50 am

Dear Taiyou, thank you for opening up to us! I can relate to you as well. All throughout high school I was chastised for being a Virgin. My classmates made a Facebook group called "Get AJ Laid" (my name is AJ obviously) so it was a pretty traumatic experience.

I went to an all boys private school which was even worse - there really was nothing worse to "not prove yourself as a man" than to be a virgin and not demonstrate your ability to be able to "procreate" (in a primitive/social outcasted kind of way).

But anyways - less about me, more about you.. I believe that the issue lies within some sort of FOMO - fear of missing out- however it applies to the past, which you cannot change (out of your locus of control). The question here is basically what you can do moving forward to deal with these feelings - If you really are feeling inexperienced and want to become more in tune with your pleasures (especially if you feel like this may be a long term relationship) - maybe you need to take some time to like you said, find yourself (but you also run the risk of having your boyfriend do the same - so be prepared for that as well)

I believe that it's obviously easier said than done but I had a very similar experience in college - I was so worried about "finding myself" that I overexerted my energy into it as if it was one definite answer.

The thought I leave you with is this - If people were able to "find themselves" in college, what fun would be life worth living? Life is an adventure - every situation (even me typing this reply to you) is an opportunity to learn a little bit more about yourself (or see something from an outside perspective). Looking back, the answer was under my nose all along. I suggest taking it easy on yourself - instead of overthinking the philosophy and getting inside your own head - go out and find activities that you have never experienced before and do those.

You will learn a lot more about yourself expanding your horizons than if you sit under a tree and over-analyze your life. Trust me. I've been there.

Would love to talk!

AJ
Founder of Manifest Millennial

**Posts:** 6 · by **Qumran Taj** » Wed Jan 13, 2016 2:29 am

It is quite obvious you have decided that your life up until this point has been some sort of tragic mistake. You feel like you've missed opportunities that can never be had in your college years.

It is not for me or anyone else here to decide that your way of thinking is right or wrong. What I CAN tell you is that your life experiences have made you who you are today. ACCEPTING yourself "as is" with all your dents and scratches is a healthy thing. You will make much better and quicker progress if, instead of lamenting what you believe were wrong choices or shyness or whatever else you characterize as being defective and twisted about you, you ACCEPT who you were and are now. Why? Because only by accepting the reality of today will you be able to make tomorrow different.

It sounds like you're doing a great job of gradually growing into a better version of you! The process is well under way. :-)

But take it from someone who knows a great deal about regrets, guilt, lost opportunities and many, MANY wrong turns; regrets, guilt and being down on yourself does NOTHING good for anybody. Accept the past- it can't be changed anyhow. You survived your own past which means you are learning lessons only YOUR life path could teach.

**Posts:** 24 · by **manifestmillennial** » Thu Jan 14, 2016 5:09 pm

Qumran Taj wrote:It is quite obvious you have decided that your life up until this point has been some sort of tragic mistake. You feel like you've missed opportunities that can never be had in your college years.

It is not for me or anyone else here to decide that your way of thinking is right or wrong. What I CAN tell you is that your life experiences have made you who you are today. ACCEPTING yourself "as is" with all your dents and scratches is a healthy thing. You will make much better and quicker progress if, instead of lamenting what you believe were wrong choices or shyness or whatever else you characterize as being defective and twisted about you, you ACCEPT who you were and are now. Why? Because only by accepting the reality of today will you be able to make tomorrow different.

It sounds like you're doing a great job of gradually growing into a better version of you! The process is well under way. But take it from someone who knows a great deal about regrets, guilt, lost opportunities and many, MANY wrong turns; regrets, guilt and being down on yourself does NOTHING good for anybody. Accept the past- it can't be changed anyhow. You survived your own past which means you are learning lessons only YOUR life path could teach.

Very valid point Qumran, I also agree with what you are saying. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum and am ecstatic for all of the mistakes that I've made because they've made me who I am today, and more specifically, helped me to be self-aware about who I am today!

**Posts:** 653 · by **Introspectah** » Thu Jan 14, 2016 5:13 pm

Please help? If you didn't understand something or want more details just say so...

I understand your struggle but would like you to go into more detail, if you will?

**Posts:** 3 · by **selfimprove84** » Fri Jan 22, 2016 7:55 pm

I would suggest a good book to read that has helped me and other people I know. search for the book called "I'm Limping Very Well, Thank You" by Dr., Nick Abraham

**Posts:** 10113 · by **JuliusFawcett** » Sun Jan 24, 2016 10:18 am

Acceptance, forgiveness and gratitude are the most beautiful gifts that only we can give ourselves. Letting go of jealousy allows happiness to flow more easily.

**Posts:** 6 · by **Qumran Taj** » Sun Jan 24, 2016 2:17 pm

Very well put! :-)

**Posts:** 42 · by **PalmaNova** » Sat Jan 30, 2016 4:19 pm

I would recommend you a book THE SECRET OF LETTING GO by Guy Finley.

**Posts:** 5 · by **moonwalk_hi** » Sun Mar 13, 2016 7:49 am

Be calm. I wish you happiness and being more and more confident!

**Posts:** 263 · by **handheart** » Fri Mar 18, 2016 5:13 am

Well let the past and focus on your prezent time .Try to corect your thinking and dont focus on your timidity because if you think too much at it you will atract the same .Be pozitive ,think only at good things and how will life want to be

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