the love of my life is addicted to marijuana - please help

**Posts:** 14 · by **sad girl** » Sun Aug 14, 2005 11:38 am

As I sit here I am crying my eyes out in the middle of the night. So I am sorry if I don't make complete sense. I have been married to my husband for almost ten years. I love him with all my heart. Ever since we met he has smoked pot, lots of people around us do, it seems like the socially acceptable thing among the "cool kids." I don't smoke myself, I just don't like how it makes me feel. But I don't judge others who do. We have a fairly wonderful life, last night we had a romantic date and we were blissfully happy. But he was high, and he almost always is. When I read about what are the symptoms of an addict, he does not necessarily fit. He does not cause financial hardship on us with his habit. We both make a lot of money and I have seen him spend a thousand dollars at a time when there is really good stuff available, though usually a couple hundred. He is very highly functioning, even while smoking, he has a professional career and manages to fool everyone all the time. In fact he has a genius IQ and needs to smoke to get down o a normal level to slow down his brain, so he says. He never lets chores go around the house, he pays all our bills, takes care of the money and investments, there are no problems with his functions. So it is hard for me to tell him he has to deal with this problem. He smokes like a rock star, the best weed available as much as he wants all the time. But I think is brain chemistry is affected to the point that we don't know what's real. If I mention it he tends to be defensive or in denial and wants to know why I don't deal with my own problems instead of worrying about him. He smokes morning till night. Occasionally he will have a spell where he runs out when there's none available and he gets depressed and mean. Though he has also quit successfully for months at a time and seemed fine, it just seemed so easy to get back smoking in a social situation or when things get tough. I don't mind our friends smoking with him for fun, it's just that after they go away he keeps doing it by himself. They mostly have kids and regular jobs so they can't be high all the time. He works at home so there's no one watching. I think it is a coping and self medicating mechanism as well, so I worry about what will happen if he has to go without. He is the most loving, wonderful man and I love him. I just worry about his health. Should I be worried? It is hard to rock the boat when things are going well so I don't know what to do. Every 6 months or so we will have an episode where we get in a big fight and I am left feeling blindsided because I'm not sure what happened. Sometimes I think he is being totally irrational but then I wonder if it is something I did. I play it over and over in my head and try to figure out my fault in the situation. Lately I stood up for myself and said I wasn't wrong or that it was twenty percent me for my being defensive or sensitive to his criticism, then he gets in the "you think you're always right" or "you never admit you are wrong" argument mode, or that I'm a bad communicator. Or that I'm so difficult to deal with that he has to smoke pot. Don't get me wrong, I can be a pain, I can be a high maintenance girl, I am not perfect in any sense. I feel that I have been loving and tolerant though. To the point where I walk on eggshells around him and that just annoys him. We are going on vacation in two weeks and I am scared about whether he will be able to have fun, he can't take pot with him on the trip. Also I wonder about having kids together and whether this is something we can do given the situation. Does anyone have any advice? I have read about Marijuana Anonymous but that's wouldn't work because it's too God based and he wouldn't go for that stuff. It is also hard to say he needs to fix something that doesn't seem broken, he has said I am trying to create drama and be a drama queen. And most of our friends smoke pot too so I don't know where to turn.

**Posts:** 38 · by **Florence W** » Mon Aug 15, 2005 4:53 am

Hi Sad Girl,

Have you thought of going to a counsellor yourself, just so that you can explore the situation further? It sounds as though there is a lot of good stuff in your marriage, besides your husand's possible addiction. It might be helpful for you to be able to talk things through with a third party.

Al Anon might also be a place for you to start finding out a whole lot more about this, with people who's partners have a whole range of addiction problems. I 've heard it's a very supportive organisation that gives lots of insight, and I suspect after attending for a while you'd have a much clearer idea of what your partner's smoking behaviour means; and also your relationship to him & his smoking.

"He was high, he almost always is" doesn't sound too good....

All good luck in sorting this out.

Ancient Florence.

**Posts:** 98 · by **User061819** » Mon Aug 15, 2005 12:18 pm

Hi Sad Girl,

Yeh.. this is a hard one 4sure... Most people come on here and try to give up smoking because of the very things you say your man is not doing...

He pays the bills, gets on with life, he does not suffer from paranoia, lack of energy or any of the bad things/symptoms that can happen when smoking all the time – for a long time.

I did smoked alot, every day, all day for about 12 years... I managed to be fairly active, good to the mrs, clean up the house... Basically being active to a point where the mrs had no fight against the thought of me giving up.

All i can say is that things change ! It might be ok now, but surely things cannot stay cool and good... I Try to name one person who has ever constantly smoked and it never affecting them.. I can't.......

I feel you are doing him a favor by questioning it now, before it goes to far... Maybe he will be able to keep smoking without the negative effects, but its unlikely... but I feel we are not mentioning a hard fact (the thing that made me give up) is that smoking cannabis, with fags, is x3 damaging to the lungs and a single fag.. i.e. 3 joints = 20 pack of fags. I smoked about 12- 14 joints a day, minimum...

That worked out at like 60 fags a day... I know im about 30% more likely to get lung cancer (even more due to the fact that my mother died of it, this was due to smoking cannabis) that the normal person...

This is the "main" reason he should be giving up, health ! have abit of a research... But even if he is not smoking with fags, the mental aspects are bad aswell.. i know a friend of mine that smoked for about 35 years, he now has some serious mental issues...

Its going to be hard though, as he, in his mind, he no apparent reason to give up! why should he... he living a fruitful life smoking... Its just the health issue id be concerned with...

You take care,

And stick with him... there nothing worse than a fun, loving man, go down the drain because of cannabis.... He deserves you, and you deserve him.

Spence.

**Posts:** 14 · by **sad girl** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 6:34 pm

Thank you spence, everything you said makes a lot of sense and is helpful to my perspective. The cancer risk is really my only justification for my feelings right now. He smokes out of a water bong, and says that is healthier, but I don't know how much better it can be, smoke still enters the lungs. Can't he still get cancer? Pardon my ignorance, is a "fag" a joint or a cigarette? We use different terms over here.
As for the mental aspect, I can't quite put my finger on it, but something is probably going on. I think it is a shift in brain chemistry where he gets so dependent on the serotonin fix that he can't be happy on his own. The last time he stopped smoking for a while he called it "clarity" in a bad sense, where he saw the world as a hopeless land of idiots. That life is sad and pointless. He can smoke and deal with it or have "clarity" and want to leave the world.

He is a wonderful man. All I want is for him to be healthy and happy. Because I love him so much I don't want to nag him about one his favorite joys in life. It is probably the same way I look forward to a glass of wine with dinner. I just wish I could relate and understand the drive to smoke so much. Thank you for the reminder to stick with him. I will try not to let worrying about the future stop me from enjoying what we have now. I don't want to be a widow, I want him to be my partner until we are both old and grey.

**Posts:** 14 · by **sad girl** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 7:46 pm

Florence I appreciate your thoughts. I am afraid to go to any physical meetings in case it gets around, my town is small and my husband is respected and stands to lose a lot. I did go to counseling by myself a few years back and my therapist sent me home with a videotape on cognitive therapy, it showed cat scans of the brain and the effects of trauma, drugs, etc. on the brain. It showed that some parts of your brain are not active after smoking marijuana. And how other areas (such as anger, flight/flight) are more active. Or after repeated concussions. We watched it together and I think he came away from it thinking he will always wear a helmet snowboarding and never bungee jump, rather than stop smoking. I was considering counseling again, but sought out this forum first, since writing my posts out is therapeutic in itself, but I will see how it goes.

**Posts:** 98 · by **User061819** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 7:59 pm

Hey Sad Girl *Hugs*

Fag = cigarette

To a point its good that he does not smoke it with tobacco.. But its also bad, because he is smoking pure gear.... The last big of cannabis I had was abit of grass, skunk, strong stuff… I smoked this all in a bong, And it absolutely buggered me… My mind was mush.. But different people, different minds..

I know your in a hard position here… But howa bout we let nature takes its course… Sooner or later your hubby with take a dislike to cannabis.. Sooner or later the negative effects will over take the better aspects of smoking, or bonging it.. If there were no negative effects of smoking it, then we would all be doing it...

Up till then just be happy and enjoy life…

This is the exact same route my lovely women, Rachel, went.. she knew I loved smoking and did not mind.. She knew I was a fun loving, romantic, guy… And I was worth the wait/effort. With the outlook your hubby has about giving up its better to let him get on with it, and just be supportive.. Like you have said….

He’s a cool guy while smoking – he will be a cool guy after he’s stopped smoking… I wish you both the happiest of times, and enjoy the future… We are not here for that long.

Take care,

Spencer..

**Posts:** 14 · by **sad girl** » Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:26 pm

"This is the "main" reason he should be giving up, health ! have abit of a research... But even if he is not smoking with fags, the mental aspects are bad as well.. i know a friend of mine that smoked for about 35 years, he now has some serious mental issues..."

Hi,
Thank you again. I hope you don't mind my asking, what are some of the mental issues your friend has? Sometimes I get a feeling of a Jekyl Hyde thing that really scares me. Hair trigger mood changes. I would be interested in knowing what else can happen to the brain from long term smoking.

**Posts:** 98 · by **User061819** » Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:58 pm

Hi there,

Well, he just plain loses it..... Sort of like.. "The aliens are coming to get me" The next thing I know he's in a hospital. This has happened about twice this year... Oh, and he's got a masters degree, and he teaches Programming. I keep saying that the cannabis is causing it, but he wont stop…

But there are different ways of showing the bad effects of cannabis, as you know each person is different... But near the end of my affliction my moods changed, one minute I was happy with everything.. The next I hated the world and everyone in it… This “can” defiantly be a sign of cannabis… Think, when your straight and something pisses you off, you get angry, but soon see sense and calm down.. Cannabis on the other hand can take the smallest of things (that would not be annoying if you were not stoned) and turn it into a major thing, taking ages to calm down...

It did with me… I don’t wanna live life getting angry at the drop of a hat… I’m still not there yet… Exactly one month since I stopped and I do find myself getting angry, uptight… I just don’t like the fact that I’m getting/looking old at the age of 29, I look like I’m 35… Smoking cannabis has given me the droopy eyes look.. lool

Cannabis has effected near-on every part of my life… My looks, my brain, my overall health… I could go on… And the nasty thing about it is I’m 29 and have one more year to go at Uni, then i have to try and get a job.. I’ve spent the past 4 years indoors smoking/studying, when I should have been out working.... Now I feel that I’m not going to get a job because I’m told old, and have no work experience.. If I was not stoned for the past 4 years, maybe I would have realized that going to college and Uni was not the right thing to do, and would have gone out and got a job... Not taking the easy option and staying indoors.... Its like a monster, at the begining I stayed indoors smoking and studying, then the next thing I know that alll I wanted to do, stay in.. and get stoned.. Its only now I realise how bad this is/was.

Hehe, sorry gone off-topic here, having a bad day myself..

You take care,

Spence.

EDIT:

Couple of good sites, you may have already looked at them...

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=30105
http://homepages.poptel.org.uk/DrDrew/health.html

**Posts:** 38 · by **Florence W** » Wed Aug 17, 2005 6:35 pm

Hi Sad Girl,

If your husband is in denial then it's going to be hard for that to change.

Also we live in scary times, & the temptation to escape & get out of it for a while is pretty big. I'm sure the addiction rate across all sorts of compulsive behaviours is soaring.

For what it's worth, I'm sure Al Anon do some sort of literature that you could buy over the net. (Or maybe you could find a psychology book on the same subject.) More therapy might be helpful too, in giving you support.

I admire you for facing up to this stuff... It's not easy when you really value a relationship.

Spenser,

Well done for being clean for a month!

lol: It isn't easy...

I'm sorry you feel so negative about your degree! Maybe when you are feeling a bit more positive you'll see it in a better light? (If the cannabis got you to study enthusiastically that's one good thing - here in the UK the drop out rate from higher education is pretty dire. The fact you've almost completed your course says good stuff...

. Ah, I see you live here in the UK! Definitely a stickler...)

I hope you feel better soon. A lot of my friends feel bad about their age (& much more so when they were younger), when feeling a bit down. It's a good peg for sad moods to hang on.

Are you exercising more now? (Even just walking more...) It's a great mood lifter. (You obviously know this backwards :oops:

but I'll say it anyway...cos it's so brilliant.)

Best wishes,
Ancient Florence

Ancient Florence

**Posts:** 14 · by **sad girl** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 6:02 pm

I think you will be glad to have gotten the degree. You will be better qualified than many to get the job you want, and the education level you have raises the 'ceiling' on your pay rate. Sorry you are having a bad time though.
Florence I will start looking into the online stuff. Thanks for the suggestion.

We have entered the phase where my husband is stressed out and angry more often. I am starting to recognize a cycle of phases and there comes a point in each cycle where he is smoking so much that it doesn't always work or his mood swings are more apparent. Or maybe he has run out of weed, I can't tell and he doesn't tell me. Early this summer he went through a similar low point when he seemed to be annoyed at everyone and everything. Yesterday morning he was mean, Last night he was happy and loving, today he is angry at me for booking our vacation which leaves in a week. He is stressed about all he has to do, and apparently it is my fault because "I always get what I want" and I wanted to go on this trip. I stood up for myself and said he went into this with his eyes open and agreed and was even excited to go, but he insists that it is all because I get what I want and if I get something in my head it just has to happen or else. I don't know what the appropriate response is, because we are going, and I can't read his mind about how he agreed to go, if it was under forceful duress from me or what. Whenever we go through this part of the phase I fearfully begin to doubt our ability to stay together. Which is why I'm the "bad guy" or the less committed one for having threatened divorce when we have the blowup. But it seems to get worse each time.

I am overanalyzing it again to figure out if he is being irrational or if I am being unreasonable, it just maddening. I honestly think his erratic behavior is going to drive me mad. If I just step back and write it off as a symptom of his addiction, and keep my own peace, I fear I will no longer feel we are equal partners, as I will be detaching from the relationship (I already feel as if I am just to get through). I feel that I am always walking on eggshells around him to accommodate his moods, and if he senses that he gets annoyed at me, but what am I supposed to do? So then I have tried to treat him the same no matter what he is doing, being loving, or mean, but it is really just detaching. If I step in and try to fix it, or take a stand, we get into these fights where I am labeled as the princess who wants everything my way. I don't think there is any way to talk sense to a person in denial. And I'm not sure he is in denial, I think he knows very well what his problem is, but he doesn't want to change because "I want him to." Am I crazy? Can someone support his point of view so I can understand how to deal with it?

**Posts:** 5 · by **GrandmasterFlax** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 11:50 pm

It seems you dont have a problem with your husband smoking, but that he smokes it every day all day. The problem with the marijuana addiction is supply and demand, if you dont keep demanding it then it is harder to find. Most ganja smokers are only led to deal with the legal implications of using. In an ideal society like Amsterdamn, weed is not a legal issue but a personal one, meaning if your husband for instance faced up too his habbit without the societial pressures here in America, he would find it easier to smoke less or alltogether quit. People over there dont buy hundreds or thousands worth to keep up a habbit. If they want to smoke one day they spend a few bucks and do it, otherwise they know the optio is there. The problem here is its easier to buy a lot at once so too avoid hunting it down all the time. And therein lies the problem, with so much money and time in getting a big bundle, one is compelled to smoke far too much. (why am i buying this bundle? i must be an addict)

So first I reccomend sympathizing that your husband has grown up in a country that offers no education or tollerance on smoking. And when the time is right, try to reach him in a way that you dont build a resentment for his lifestyle. Try too show yours concern is coming from a concern for his health. I get the impression from what he says he dosent want you to build a resentment that hes doing something bad. Lucky for him you seem tollerant of his beleifs. Some will throw the book at you whether you smoke a joint or a 100 joints. Atleast your concern seems to be for his health, that hes smoking too much. Thats fair too say.

Im suggesting here that education is the cure, the only way to empower yourself in tollerance and for your husband to detour his habbit. Because only when you come to peace with it morally can you deal with it personally. It can be good or bad just like a fire, can keep you warm or it can burn down a house. But you dont always stop using fire because of its risks.

Dont misunderstand me, im not encouraging or discouraging the use of pot. Its different for people and there lifestyles. Just that the key is responsobility, to live and to learn and integrate what works best for you. And for some quiting alltogether is whats best, but the resolution of change dosent always have to be drastic.

**Posts:** 2 · by **truth_hurts** » Sat Aug 20, 2005 3:20 pm

Hello Sad Girl, I am newbie here. I am glad I found this site and especially your post.I am dealing with the same problems and I understand very well what you are going through. There is one big difference between your case and mine, which is my husband smokes behind my back and he won't come clean to me about it.

You see, I moved to the US 3 years ago following my marriage. I left all I had in my country and trusted my love and my life in his hands. Later I found out he's still smoking weed. He smoked in the past and he promised me that he quit a long time ago. I found the stash in our house several occasions and I ended up as the one to blame for invading his privacy. He even threatened to kick me out of the house. I could do nothing but cried and begged him not to do that. At that time, I had no money, no friends, no body else I knew. I didn't even have my SSN and Driver License since my immigration case took so long. It was the hardest time in my life. I lost so many pounds, got depressed and sick all the time.

Today, I have a reliable job, I have my permanent residence and good friends to support me. I went to see a psychiatrist months ago to help me mentally and I am still in sessions with him every 2 weeks. Trust me, it really helps and I believe you need one as well.

I have done all I can to help him. I've tried to talk to him several times to no result. He smokes cigarettes as well which makes it worse. I am so concerned of his health but he seems like he doesn't care or at least he's too hooked on cigarettes and weed that he won't let them go. I am tired of worrying that when I drive around with him I am also in legal risk, I know he has it in his wallet (he's been arrested 2 times for possession of illegal substance and one more strike, he's going to jail for years). He's a responsible husband financially but he's been abusive mentally because he always has mood swing. One minute he'll be sweet like honey, the next minute he'll be all snappy and very unfriendly.

I love my husband so much, but I can't keep living like this. There will come the day where he'll have problem with health or the law, you just don't know which one will come first. I have decided to sit and talk with him about it. It really all lies on his hands to make the choice. I am willing to give him one last chance if he's willing to quit and go through counselling and all things he needs to quit smoking weed. Otherwise, I will leave because he has violated my trust, he doesn't respect me and he doesn't want to help himself.

P.S. Pardon me for my English since I am not a native English speaker.

**Posts:** 14 · by **sad girl** » Sat Aug 20, 2005 7:03 pm

Thank you grandmaster for your insights. I need all the help I can get understanding his point of view. Truth_hurts, I feel the same way you do today. This morning he was very snappy with me and just said "stop talking! God I wish I could just keep my peace around you for one minute!" I don't know if it was me that annoyed him or some other external situation like his annoyance with people in general. I tried to explain myself and he just told me to shut up. It really makes him mad when I try to repeat a conversation we just had to attempt to explain that I didn't say or do anything that would cause a normal person to react the way he did. He just won't have it and chooses to stay angry and gets even angrier at me if I try to explain my point of view, as if I have no right to do so. I cannot be free to speak when he doesn't want me to. 10-15 minutes later he started talking to me, just regular conversation, and I thought "oh, now that you are OK again it's OK for me to talk?" He has no idea how unpleasant it is to live with his mood swings. I do not think he realizes how self-centered this behavior is. I can act normally now and have a peaceful day, or I can say something about it and cause a confrontation. Today I am just living in silent sadness. Maybe tonight he will try and be cute and loving and I just don't know how he can expect me to just switch gears as if nothing happened. Yes he can be sweet as sugar but we all have memories and hurt, but if I stay "mad" then I am bad for being unable to "let it go."

The problem is, I don't think an ultimatum to ask him to stop will solve anything. For all I know, without weed he would be even worse to live with, and the weed helps to keep him happy. It is easy in our situation to think that only if he would stop, everything would be OK, but it's not necessarily true. Maybe they stop smoking and then we move onto the next problem. I think if my husband stopped his brain is already so affected that we would have a long uphill battle against depression and other mood problems. The marijuana is acting as a medication, and to take it away could cause more problems. He did hide his last purchase from me, which is not right since I am paying for half of it. I also wonder if he would buy as much as he does if I wasn't working and making money. I am feeling hopeless today so I'll stop for now. I may have a different outlook tomorrow. Take care and hang in there.

**Posts:** 1 · by **tiffanyant021** » Sun Aug 21, 2005 12:16 am

Hi. I could really use some help getting off methodone. I am on atleast a 120mg a day. I am trying to stop on my own, but am afraid of the withdrawl. Can anyone help? Please tell me it is not that bad to get off of. I am trying to do mind over matter. Thanks. :cry:

**Posts:** 890 · by **indigo** » Sun Aug 21, 2005 10:32 am

tiffanyant021

Well if coming off methodone is anything like coming off SSR ( Meds ) your in for a tough time! as the withdrawals are HORRENDOUS! And if you feel suicidal at any time . Get help ! Ring someone !

the love of my life is addicted to marijuana - please help

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