by wakinglife » Sun Dec 15, 2019 5:30 pm
Making it through the dark season -- life can be a struggle, but at least I don't add the unnecessary struggle of addiction
I live on an island off the coast of Western Canada. At this time of year, this far north of the equator, the days get dimly lit, shorter, and a wee bit more depressing. Truth be told, I have been fighting a virus the last week (some variant of cold/flu), and it has me feeling a little low. That being said, my intention here is to voice honestly how much better I feel (even during relatively low times) without the added burden of cannabis addiction weighing me down.
I am a person who gets a bit more introspective and withdrawn during the winter months. I'm aware that the decrease in daylight hours affects my moods, and I live with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) for this portion of the year. I have the lamp, and should probably dust it off and set it in front of me while I have my breakfast and coffee each morning (note to self). In my younger years, I would heavily self-medicate during the winter: lots of binge drinking, smoking way more weed, dabbling into other mind-altering substances (coke, MDMA, psilocybin, etc.), and generally putting forth a best effort at escaping the mildly-depressed existence I inhabited (within the confines of my own psyche). These efforts, to get as f***ed up as possible, gaining a few hours of blissful ignorance each week, did nothing to address the deeper underlying issues: mild depression, variable social anxiety, and negative self-talk (super-strong inner critic voice nattering away in my head). The thing is, ever since discovering substances in early adolescence, I thought they were my personal ticket to happiness.
I'm a bit older and wiser -- 46, acknowledging that my life is roughly halfway through. I still enjoy having a drink, and dabbling in mind-altering pursuits, but those methods don't really help me in the long run. I'm learning that isolating is not a great option for me during the dark months of the year. It gives me too much time to ruminate on my own thoughts. Socializing at this time of year, however, tends to include copious quantities of booze. I guess I need to find the balance: a drink or two during a night out does not really set me back the next day. The issue arises when I throw caution to the wind and start knocking them back like I'm in my early 20s. Hangovers, in your 40s, are no party.
Substances have their place in society. Some people can drink in moderation (as I can). Others are able to take it or leave it with cannabis (as I can NOT). I am grateful that after all these years free from the habitual smoking pattern of roll, blaze, high/crash, repeat, I CAN make conscious choices about what I put into my body. I have an awareness that smoking weed is not going to actually benefit me. Getting super drunk, also, NOT going to benefit me. This clarity of awareness (in part, due to the clarity that comes from not being stuck on the hamster wheel of problematic weed use) is a blessing to me. I can see my situation through clear eyes. I can acknowledge that dark times (in the past) have led me to poor choices. Here I am, taking a clear look in the mirror, and saying to the world: "Yep. I get depressed in the winter. But I know the things that will actually help me."
So, after I close the laptop I'm writing on, I will do some of those things that actually help me. I'm going to start a load of laundry and head to the gym. I'm going to get outside today while the sun's feeble rays are highest in the sky. I'll reach out to some pals and see if one of them wants to go for a hike, or grab a coffee. I will do the self-care practices (meditation, stretching, creative outlets) that feed me and fill me.
Thanks for reading. Posting here so openly helps me get back in touch with how far I've come. I know what is good for me, and I'm going to go and do those things now.
All the best to you during the holidays!
WL