Hello everyone.
I'm a 22 years old boy, I'm virgin, and I had my "fist long term story" months ago. I mean, it was just for 2 weeks, but the way was that.
I have been alone in my life, no many friends, no girls that are really interested in me; i read many articles for Lookism and i understand that my value is poor.
Except for this one. Now it is end and I don't mean to have her back. Just let me say: She looked for me and she was really determined to know me; for 2 weeks I was really happy, even if she was a little bit strange and annoying, but I was fine.
Then I kissed another girl. I told her this fact and She dumped me up saying "I'm not ready yet. let's be friends" but I didn't want friendship from her. For a month nothing, I tried with another girl but this wasn't really caught, and then I saw she again. The next day we talked a lot, and She said that she still have something for her Ex (an ugly oldman, she is 20 ) and she was confused on what she wanted. I asked to try again but She refused 'cause she had a lot of problems.
The next day her friends told to me that She came back with her Ex, probably for money (She was in trouble), I was mad, I let her to see me with another girl, but then I called her to tell that it was clear that She didn't give anything about this.
She said that wasn't a true story with her ex in that moment (not true, but then she dumped up him too) and she says that I confirmed that she can't trust me anymore. I throwed away my pride and prayed her to give me just another chance, She said that I could do whatever i want, but she was cold, so I gave up after 2 days.
One day she said to my friend that i just disappointed her really much with that kiss with the other girl. Then i refuse to have a friendship with her, and I tried to humiliate her with a pun, but i don't succed. Then I said the pun to her, in private, and she really get mad. She said that my pun was on about a serious thing (i didn't know), that I'm nothing, I'm a jerk and it is her fault to spend time with me. Now she doesn't even say "Hi" to me. I said that she was exaggerating 'cause nobody heard what I said (even if before i tried) and that she knows that I care about her and I didn't want to hurt her so much, but she is mad and said "let me calm down"
This really hurt me sometime. I really care this girl sometimes, but sometimes I'm really angry with her. I don't know why, maybe because she didn't give me another chance, but i can't blame her. it's just my fault. I hate myself to do not show her that she can trust me, I hate myself to throw away my pride to say sorry (so she sees me like a white knight, a poor little kid), I said horrible things.
But sometimes (by someone) I think that she was just trying me, probably she doesn't care much like me for the start, and this make me angry but with less guilt feelings.I don't know, I'm so confused; probably I care so much because she is the "first", i'm so immature and emotional. Or maybe I'm envious 'cause she don't want me anymore and I don't really care... I don't know, I'm so sorry to have done these things, but she made me so angry.
Can somebody told me what the hell is happening?