by Leo Volont » Sat May 21, 2016 1:15 pm
Dear Nevermore,
Oh, yes, you got lucky… Betawarrior consistently comes up with excellent advice.
But let me take a shot. Let me start by saying that I’ve read in more than a few places (and experienced it personally on both sides of the equation) that when either a man or a woman is internally and subjectively dissatisfied with a Relationship, they express it through excessive, chronic and continuous irritability with their partner. This should be as much of a Message for Themselves as for their Partner. Consciously and on the Surface they may think they are in a Good Relationship – that they do not want to ‘blow it’, that they can’t imagine finding anybody else ‘better’, BUT, as every conceivable opportunity presents itself they belittle and insult the One They Supposedly Love.
Now, yes, of course, it is entirely correct for Betawarrior to entirely support YOU in all of this… afterall, you were the one who wrote in. But aren’t you at all troubled that YOUR Feelings are saved only at the expense of your Fiancé’ s – the BLAME is all shifted to Him – it’s all his fault for not validating all your feelings… as though you were bending over backwards to validate his feelings. And then, by supporting you so fully, well, doesn’t that rather serve to Justify you and thus to Enable you in your continued irritability… which Betawarrior does address… but there would always be the Reservation you would carry away with Beta’s Advice, that since it is ALL your Fiancé’s Fault anyway, well, he deserves what he gets. It just seems that your Behavior is being Enabled and the Relationship Supported and Condoned.
What is my advice? Well, I would FULLY ENABLE YOU, but in the direction of your True Feelings toward your fiancé -- you should do hims a BIG FAVOR and break up with him. As far as your Inner Feelings go, you honestly kind of HATE HIM, don’t you? I know, you THINK he is a GREAT GUY, or whatever, that Somehow he came to fit some Conscious Criteria for Mr. Right, and you couldn’t find anything ACTUALLY WRONG with him. And so you let this Relationship Go Way Too Far without ever giving it a Heart and Soul Reality Check. Yes, you have gone too far with it by now for a breakup to be either easy or painless, BUT, it will only get harder the longer and farther you keep going in the Wrong Direction.
Just tell the Poor Guy that your Insults and Slights are chronic and will only get worse… that you are not Hateful toward Everybody, but there is just SOMETHING about the Chemistry between you two… that although he seems PERFECT in EVERY WAY, still, it just seems that EVERYTHING HE SAYS and DOES just gets under your skin and annoys you… and that sooner or later this will inevitably lead to your finding him physically repulsive (many marriages culminate in this problem). There is no future there. He may at first be in DENIAL about all of that, but after a few days of Thinking… and maybe a little Drinking… he will come to SEE the LIGHT.
You two can Separate on Good Terms. There do not have to be any hard feelings on either side. When you are Free of the Subjective Impediments of the Relationship – something in you Must have felt terribly Threatened by the Relationship, and once the Relationship is caput, then you might feel free enough to relax and un-clench. You might actually become a GOOD FRIENDS under less imposing circumstances.
Anyway, I wish the both of you the best of luck.